Catching up.

It's the ups and the downs. And the courage to pick yourself back up again. Yes, things still are not going as planned back home. I have had no luck in the job market. I have been within grasp of my perfect job and denied because they hired an "internal" candidate. However she said I interviewed well. UMMMMM I do NOT want to hear that I "interviewed well" BUT you chose an internal candidate. I don't have a job lady. . . . So frustrating. So the search is on. I have had an interview and second interview with a place in Indianapolis (not in my professional career) and an interview tomorrow with a job in Columbus (also, not in my professional career), but we have to get back to making money. It's amazing how the world revolves around money. It's one of those things that just makes the world turn, and will never go away. And unfortunately for me, money seems to fall out of my hands quicker than it seems to fall into it.

Luckily for me, I have expanded my social circle back home. I have reconnected with a few old high school friends and have gotten out a bit. It's fun to see people and have them say "You look familiar." I never visited home much during my 8-9 years in Columbus, so I really have been gone. It's almost like I'm a newcomer to Mercer County. No one remembers me from high school. I don't know if that means that they just didn't care, that they were too wrapped up in their own lives to look around, or if they don't remember my wonderful presence back in the day. So it's nice to get out, meet people, have a few laughs on the weekends. It's not as planned out as I would like, but I'll take what I can get.

I have mentioned this person before . . . . lets call him . . . Bob. Bob has returned to my life yet again. There are times in my life that I feel as though I'm really over Bob, and there are times in my life where I think that this cannot possibly keep continuing to resurface if it wasn't meant to be given a proper chance. The first time he fucked up, the second time I fucked up. I'll be honest, I wasn't ready to be in a relationship still in June or July after Arron. I guess my heart wasn't ready to be put back into a situation where I would be used again, and taken for granted. But Bob is back. There is definitely a conversation that needs to be had about how serious he is about us not being in one anothers lives. Because eventually that will happen, when one of us moves on. Which is sad to think about.

And as always Mister Why Not (this is such a clever nickname I love it). Mister Why Not continues to play the idiot card. He continues to know that being with me would be the smartest decision he could ever make but continues to choose not to give this a concerted effort. I was informed today that Mister Why Not has put many girls in this position. The words were "I have seen many girls fall into your shoes." And to be honest, I will always maintain that I'm "different." Which we all know is a crock of crap. But, I feel as though this process 2 years in the making has been a little more thought through. But then again, not so thought through. I am starting to develop very angry frustrations within me about the situation that given one too many alcoholic beverages, and a little lack of consideration, if running into him, I'm likely to blow up. Sooooo with all of those things given good probability this weekend . . . we'll see how it goes.

Continue to keep your fingers and toes crossed for me to first and foremost find a job. I would really really appreciate it! :)

Frustrated

Well . . . I'm not having so much as a good night. This whole moving home thing . . . just not what I had planned. I try so hard every day to make the right decisions, to weight the pros and cons, to look objectively at life and make the correct choice. Always to find that I've made the wrong decision. I look around at the people around me and everyone is so happy. And I am lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life with such optimistic attitudes about where their life is headed. Yet when I display this same amount of optimism towards my life, all I end up, is disappointed. It sucks. What am I doing wrong? All I want is to be happy. I don't think that's a lot to ask. Maybe I'm throwing a pity party who knows, but it's so hard to be happy when you have no one to share anything with. I'm not talking about even a male companion, I'm talking about anyone. Mercer county is like putting me in a box without windows. All of my friends who I have grown to know and love and care about are in Columbus. No one is here. And it's not the same having a phone friendship with people. I can't talk to my parents about the same things I talk to my friends about. And my vision of how everything was going to work out is not happening in the least. I think the most frustrating thing is to be alone. And don't get me wrong I love my alone time, and I don't mind being single. It's the aloneness. The feeling of having no one to talk too. The feeling of no one being there when you wanna break down. It's the feeling of when things go wrong and you have no understanding why.

What we all saw coming, but didn't want to happen.

I think it was more like an asteroid heading for my life, we all saw it coming, no one wanted to admit it though. The thought of moving home, back in with my parents at the age of 25, is by far the most credibility devastating thing I could do. However, it was by far the smartest and only option I have. I am in the deepest whole beyond all imagine with debt. It's not even conceivable. It's hard to even understand how I got here, but I look around and I see all the wonderfully nice things I have, and I think about all the memories I've made and I have my answers. However now I'm paying for it, literally. This move back home has more pro's than con's. The move back home has allowed me to recenter myself on work. I really do love counseling. I wouldn't have spent so much time learning, thinking, questioning what it is I believe in, if I didn't love it. I think MST may have jaded me for a while, but if I could find my right niche, I have no doubt in my mind that counseling is what I want to do. I do believe it needs to deal with students/children in some capacity. And hopefully my wonderful internship site remembers how much I loved doing the two programs I did while there and will hopefully hire me for a school-based position. I just hope this happens sooner than later before someone comes to my door and takes me away.

I have also recently became a Mary Kay Beauty Consultant. While there are many product lines out there that I have come to love, Mary Kay is by far the most flexible. While I do not see myself doing this forever, I do see thing launching a fabulous artistic side to me of doing make up for weddings, proms, homecomings, special events. I love helping women look and feel beautiful. When a woman feel's beautiful she exudes a confidence that no dress or clothing item can substitute. If anyone would like to book a party or just get some ideas on make up as far as color I would love to help!

While moving home was a tragic event to my self-esteem, the pain has been eased. While I don't want to speak too much on this subject as I don't want to jinx it, the awkward stage is sometimes fun. However annoying and frustrating at times. I would like to think in this day and age as a 25 year old we no longer play games, but honesty is not something that can be revealed easily. I find it hard to open up to someone I barely know, and I find it harder to get to know someone who doesn't run in the same social circle. It's nice to have my time to do my own thing, however it would be even more nice to have more questions answered.

It has been WONDERFUL to see more of my nephews and niece. I have gotten to see them fight, get ready for bed, help with homework, play soccer, and just play. It has been so nice to see them. I realize more and more through them how dramatically short life is, and how every moment is an opportunity to build a memory with them.

It has also been nice to spend time with the few friends that I do have back home. Taking walks, catching up over lunch (soon). I hope that the friendships from the past will quickly become old hat as I become more of a staple back home.

My post was very sporadic, just updating anyone who reads on what's been going on. Hopefully there will be good news of a new stable job soon! Keep me in your prayers!

Ever evolving

So as this blog set out to serve one purpose, it has become a chameleon of sorts, transforming into whatever it is that I so need it to be. It has changed from a personal outlet, discovery center, and into a platform for my current adventures. My life has been in a mixed up place the past couple of months. As many of you have read and found out, life has been unsettling, volatile, and even at times, a bit scary. But I've made it. I've made it to the other side of the great divide that I was on, and I'm unscathed on dry, flat land. I'm embarking on a new journey. A journey that I never thought would encompass my life as much as it's about too. When I was younger, I believed by the age of 25 that I would have a husband, house, and 2 kids. My oh my, how that is not the truth.

First things first, while I would like to believe that I just haven't found "him" yet, I think it's a combination of my ADD and my unwillingness to settle. While other people have found their mates and quickly settled down, I see the opportunities that they have missed to go out and experience them self. To truly be ALONE. To see what it's like to spend mass quantities of time with YOURSELF. Spending time with myself has become a great solstice for me. I find peace and serenity in rejuvenating my energy. Now don't get me wrong, my eyes are still peeled. But I am in a new found place of allowing it to happen on it's own, rather than searching for it.

So what will I do with my time now that I'm not the male searching version of the crocodile hunter. Career. That's what I'm doing. Re-prioritizing. Following my dreams. My dream truly is to just be successful. I just want to be good at whatever it is that I'm doing. I want to make a difference in the world of course, but I'll have plenty of time for that once I become successful (vague yes I know).

Youth University. . . . wow. What do I have to say about Youth University. First off I will say, my boss took a gamble on me. I have small to no sales experience but am adamantly passionate about the cause. I feel as though kids need something to work for, a carrot in front of their proverbial goat noses if you will. With this opportunity kids can focus, create, and very importantly STAY out of trouble. No more MST kids!!!! I feel as though Dwain and Elijah are probably two of the most brilliant and genius men I will ever meet, and hope to someday learn all there is to know from them. This will however, take a majority of my adult life. But with this being said, I want to work for it. I want to know what it's like to pour my heart into something and watch it flourish. I want it to grow, and I want it to grow bigger and better than anybody else's. In order to do this, I need to continually remind myself. Angie . . . what is it that you want in life? How will you get it? . . . By working hard. Harder than you've ever worked in your life. And while Dwain would say, "Don't work hard, work smart." I need the hard work reminder in order to keep me motivated. That this will not come easy. That this will take my serious dedication.

With all that said, I would say the same of myself. I'm taking a huge risk with this company. Many of you all know my financial situation and it gets more and more stressful every day. I never thought I would ever be to this point. But I am. And I have to remind myself that the only way out of this is through my hard work. Therefore, I must again, work harder, stronger, smarter, faster, than anyone out there, if I'm ever going to achieve stress relief from money. I'm gambling on this. I'm putting myself in a very dangerous position to do this, and I'm praying that all works out as planned.

I am looking forward to the new adventures I'm about to embark on, I'm looking forward to the new challenges I will see, I'm also looking forward to the many new people I've already begun to meet. I think it's been very healthy for me to purge myself of some toxic people in my life. I think it will be very necessary to return to those people who have always been there for me. I think the summer is always a time to find many new friends who will only be around for a while. So it will be good as the summer begins to wind down to see who pulls through in the end, who I can put stock into, and who will be here when the snow rolls in.

Happiness

They say happiness is not a destination, rather a journey. I don't think I quite believe in this. I feel as though happiness is like a real nice vacation. I feel as though we often have to discover what makes us happy, spend a long time traveling to that place, and then just relax there for the rest of our lives. I have spent a LONG . . . . VERY LONG . . . time in the discovery phase. I've spent many years, hours, long talks with good friends attempting to discover where it is that I needed, wanted, destined to be. And I don't know how I traveled to where it is, but I think I've found my island in the sky. I'm in essence arriving at my destination, I'm getting off the place, I'm in the taxi on the way to my beautiful wonderland. It's so close I can touch it. And being so close excites me. I've never been so thoroughly excited about the direction my life is taking than right now. I see my life becoming, evolving into exactly it is that I've wanted for SO long. The ME I dreamed of being, is about to be a reality. I see the whole picture. While, yes, I am waiting for a few more puzzle pieces to fall into place, I can see where the pieces go. I think luck, God, and hard work are going to need to be on my side for these pieces to come together, but I really think that for once in my life, I just might be ok. Better than ok. I think the people who know me the best, would say that I"m cautiously optimistic, in all arenas, especially job and relationships. But I'm OPTIMISTIC. And I'm ready to work hard, harder than I've ever worked in my entire life, to get that taxi to the destination I'm meant to be at. I think God has put me through some tough times as of recently. Lets me honest, we all know the reason I started this blog was rough on me. The 7 months of looking for a job took an excrutiating toll on me, my life, my sanity, my liver. But it all happened for a reason. I knew that the way I treated my life so wrecklessly the past two months was because I knew once something great came along, I had to be ready to focus. I had to be ready to give all else up to pour my heart and soul into whatever it was that came my way. While there are some minor set backs in my life, I'm not worried about those. I'm ready to focus on the positive, focus on the fact that in a few short months, I'm positive that those set backs will not be an issue.

I've met some wonderful people this summer. . . and some not so wonderful people. But I have slowly begun to fill my life with people. People who I can have some amazing conversations with. And the awesome thing is . . . is I"m on the verge of opening up a whole new social network to myself. I'm about to embark on a professional circle that I've never been a part of. This is SO exciting.

So back to those goals I created at the beginning of summer. I failed miserably at a few. But maybe those . . . we can still work on. HOWEVER . . . one of the few I thought I wouldn't be that upset if I didn't accomplish . . . will be happening tomorrow. I'm attending a hip hop dance class. You also have NO idea how much this excites me. I'm stepping out of my comfort zone. I'm losing my inhibitions in a way I've never known before. All because I have met wonderful people already at my new job. This is the kind of networking, people sharing, collaborating, I've been missing in my life.

Moving on . . . . literally. After a year and a half. I think I'm ready to let him go. I've tried for so long to make it work. I've tried so hard to be a priority. And after chasing it for so long, I think it's lost it's luster. Maybe that's why I've been bummed in the relationship (like thinking about serious relationship) department, because I've finally realized . . . it would have never worked. I would never have the support I needed, the conversation, the love that I need so badly in a relationship. And it's almost sad that his feelings have grown stronger. It's almost too little, too late. And it really bums me out. Where was he when I wanted this all along? So, I'm sure this will be a damper when I decide that it's time to talk it out, and let him know . . . . that my feelings have changed. I'll miss him a lot, and hopefully we'll remain terrific friends, but I just don't ever think we'll be the same now that my feelings have burned out. While many people would think that this normally would hinder my happiness, I'm COMPLETELY ok with it. I'm ready to focus on me. I'm ready to spend time grabbing my destination of happiness and embracing the steady climb to self-actualization.

Long time no post

So . . . . .

I haven't posted in a while. And while anyone who reads this on a regular basis (no one) will find. . . already knows that things aren't going so well. The things I originally set this blog out to discover now seem irrelevant. But have led me to a fruitful finding. I need to put myself first. I have GOT to stop worrying about the other people in my life and figure out what it is that is going to get me out of this vicious cycle of economy eating and career ending paths. I spent 6 years going to school for something that . . . to be honest . . . no longer seems in the least bit interesting. Maybe it's burnout . . . maybe it's lack of research. Lack of research on my part of something that I could see myself doing the rest of my life. I see people every day that specialized that took a small . . . very small . . . childhood dream of their own and just went with it. They found their niche. While I"m super jealous of this . . . I feel so far behind. I love the fact that the poeple around me are successful, I continuously ask myself . . . where did I go wrong? Did my parents and I not ever have the "follow your dreams" talk? Did I just happen upon something in college that seemed so easy that I just went with it?

It's so interesting to me the shift this blog and my life have taken in the past 5 months. I mean I wish the reason I started this blog could see me now. But I know he's too self-centered and ignorant to even relatively care. Yah he would see a big hot mess of a life . . . but I know that he would know that I for once come first. My life is coming together (I feel like) in so many aspects, but still falling apart at the same time. And it's funny that the part that is falling apart influences the part that is falling apart. Insecurities seep over into my social aspect of my life due to the fact that my career is going no where.

I don't know where to re-begin. One of my friends said to be the other day "It's not about what happened in the past, it's about moving forward. What are YOU going to do to move forward?" Obviously I have to make some changes. Get a schedule for myself. Get back to the things I love. Get back to the gym. Get back to being serious about being successful in life. Obviously I'm not one of those people who is able to free-load off their parents. I love when new people find out about the actuality of my situation. The first question they ask is "Can your parents help?" HA. That's what I say "HA." My mother is my absolute best friend in the world. I talked to her 3-4 times a day since I moved out of my parents home in September of 2002. Do you know how many times I've talked to her in the past month excluding my birthday. . . . . . 3. 3. That's less than one full hand.

It's not even the lack of financial support I'm mad about from my parents. That's not it at all. I'm 25 years old. I should be supporting myself. It's that when push comes to shove with my mother . . . she doesn't know how to take her own worries out of the picture and just allow me to be worried about myself. Maybe that sounds selfish. But just be my best friend for a minute. Let me worry. Let me be concerned about where my life is headed, instead of dragging your own worries into this picture and dragging me right down with you. It tears me up inside to know end to not be able to call her up.

My dad started a new job. I'm really happy for him. You have no idea the amount of struggle he has been through in his life. I know that his story goes way deeper than I'll ever imagine. And I know that I need to spend more time inquiring about his early life before it's too late. My dad is one of the greatest guys imaginable. Any guy would be lucky to be half the man he is. If only I could find someone as strong and supportive as him.

While we're on the subject of guys . . . a year and a half. Really? Have I really allowed myself to be strung along for someone who reminds me SO greatly of my father for a year and a half? While all my friends have told me that he's the one for me. . . . I'm slowly coming to my own conclusion. I feel like when you meet that one person . . . you just know. Believe me . . . I KNEW when I met him. But a year and a half later . . . our relationship has not changed. It's still superficial and I still can't find a strong emotionally supportive connection with him. I don't need a lot from someone. All I need is a shoulder to cry on and someone to say "Everything will be ok."

In the mean time . . . shits gotta start falling into place. If not . .. you're slowly gonna see this girl drown . . (drown . . drowned . . . drownd . . hmmm). There have been so many mistakes I have made in the past 6 years that I just wish I knew now what I know then. I feel like everyone else was taught these lessons pre high school and these are lessons I'm just now coming to conclusions on because I have had to learn them myself. I feel like maybe the sheletered life of a mercer county girl has had more repercussions many years later than they did my freshman year of college. But again . . . what am I going to do to move forward? What am I going to do to make this situation better? Right now . . . I have ZERO . . . I mean ZERO answers . . . . . and I don't know where I'm going to find them. And that's VERY unsettling for me.

Nostalgia

"Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth."

I also feel as though nostalgia is a form of advice. I've been nostalgic over the past week. A chance encounter that was almost . . . has compelled me into thought. I'm more than grateful for the heartache I've encountered over the past months. Now granted I wasn't too thankful at the time, but we all know things happen for a reason. I mean I have no reason to be sorrowfully nostalgic which I'm not. Just a bit reminiscent.

Moving on . . . . literally about moving on. I always complained when certain significant others in my life would accuse, hold against me, etc. things that past ex'es had done or been burnt on. Yet, turn the tables and one hell of a significant other later, I'm doing the same thing to the new ones I've moved on to. When one would think that I would be excited, elated, thankful that I have found something better, that it would be easier, it's even more difficult. When does the wall come down? When it all actuallity it's only been built higher.

I'm am being very thankful for time with friends. I am beginning to build some great relationships with the girls at B'head. Who I am wonderfully grateful to have found. To find other people in the same situation I am in, and still out there doing it every day, makes me not feel so alone.

I'll go back to this . . . I'm a lucky girl . . . a very very very lucky girl. I may not have it all figured out . . . but life moves on one day at a time. And I"ll figure it out one day at a time. And in the end with all the pieces fall into place, I"ll continue to have those around me who mean the most.

OK. . . I said I would blog tonite . . . so here it goes.

My friends, family, myself, dearest parish members, people of the great republic . . . we are facing hard times. I don't think I have quite yet met a person who is not facing a major fork in the road. All of the people that are dearest to me seem to be on the great search for the conquestial correct answer. I have friends graduating, friends going through rough health situation, friends just dealing with the life. And it seems like every one of my friends is coming to a cross roads. I've been there and I am there. And while I strive to be a pillar of strength I realize I sit in the same diverging boat they sit in.

I feel that the people I wonderfully surround myself with, lately have been dealing with difficult times. While I understand that we are at that magical age that forces decision making, I wonder why we are all encompassed in the same life strategizing position. Decision making does not come easy. And when choosing a path we all encounter a magnitude of potential barriers. While I certainly know that each and everyone of my friends has the strength and determination to overcome these barriers, I wonder where it will lead them. Will it lead them farther or closer to me? I wonder if this is where our friendships really come into play. While we are all diverged in this woods, where our paths once crossed, will our paths continue to matriculate in the same direction, or do they diverge?

I'm concerned about the future of my current status of friendships. I have this GREAT, more than MARVELOUS group of wonderful people that come together from so many walks of life. I often shy away from meeting new people just because "I like my group of friends, and I like them the way they are." These people have become so close to me. That I'm often concerned about where our paths wear out.

For my friends that have seen me through the stupidest and roughest of situations, I thank you. The past couple months have no been easy for me. (sorry to revert to this) We all know I knew better. My pride, need for perfection, accomplishment of a goal, all the things I want to overcome, stood directly in my way and punished me all at the same time. I thank God every single day that my friends saw me through it. They stuck by listened, talked, bolstered, and eventually even knock, down, drag out, saw me through some what they thought was shitty stuff. But we know that I was meant to see the brighter side of this.

I mean this whole journey to the center blog was for me to see what genuinely in all honesty was at the center of my being. And the more I see . . . it's the people in my life that make me who I am. I blogged for quite a few entries about "why is this happening to me, why do I deserve this." It's all bullshit. Life is a mystery. Life IS NOT about what happens TO YOU. Life just happens. And it's become so apparent as of lately that I've been able to get back to experiencing the breaths, the moments, the hidden gems of life to finally appreciate what it is that is at the center of it all.

It takes complacency and a bit of body checking to understand where you are in this life. Every single one of us has a story to tell. One of us as interesting as the next. I know myself, I have a gamet full of stories to tell. And it has made me who I am today. I would not be the lucky S.O.B. I am today without the stories I've created. And as I return to all of my friends currently going through hard decisions, I hope they understand and utilize the power of words. Whether it's sharing in all of our friendships or as me, when I felt like I had no one, went to the power of my own and wrote. Nothing will ever impact you as much as the people who say the things at the most inopportune times.

As usual, me and my philanthropic quotes I'll end with this: "Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are.” The more I foster hope in this . . . the more I know that each and every individual encounter I fulfill in my life, there is a grander scheme a things casting the picture.

Lucky ones.

I should be sleeping, but I think I'll blog quick before I do so. I am, matter of fact, the luckiest girl alive. I may not have it all . . . money, cars, and a rolex. But who gives a f***. I have some of the best people that roam this earth as my friends. I feel this way EVERY SINGLE TIME I hang out with these people. To be honest, I don't know why I claim other people as my friends, because to be honest, these people make me feel more special and more meaningful than anyone in the world (minus my family . . . small disclaimer sorry). I mean where else can I eat mini-cakes in the middle of a bar and people think it's funny. Where else can we pass the wave from arm to arm and have it end up with two finger under someone's nose (James Conway whoop whoop!) He would have been proud. I know that each and everyone of us that I saw tonite is struggling with something different. And there are times when I feel that my problems are so insignificant and pail in comparison to those of the people I spend my fondest memories with. But I know they appreciate the struggle I am going through. And I think that's what friendship is all about. It's not about who's problems are the worst. Or who supports who the most. It's about knowing that each and every one of us is there for each individual person for their own strife. And I don't think I'd make it through the day not knowing that I have the support I do. Each one of us carries our seperate load and I think that each person I came in contact with tonite, bears a little bit of that load with us. I think back to the days when these people weren't in my life, and I hope that I can only continue to grow to be a part of what they need. I don't think I share my appreciation for them enough. I LOVE making time for this group of people. If we were on a desert island somewhere, I have no qualms that we would create a wonderful socieity of helping, nurturing, LAUGHING people. i go to sleep tonite continuing on my journey to a happier future and knowing that I truly truly am one of the lucky ones.

Chapter 1

Maybe this isn't journey to the center. Maybe it's journey to the outside. To take down all the walls I've built up for so long. To finally really truly let someone in. This isn't about how this got started, why it happened, or the cause . . . life should be more about moving forward. I need to learn from my mistakes and make better choices in the future. What have I learned? That no matter how good you treat someone, no matter how patient, no matter how kind . . . some people really will just use you. Some people are terrible. Not everyone will give you the benefit of the doubt like I will. Not everyone will allow you to make mistakes and be forgiven. I think I was meant to learn that this is a tough tough world, and if you don't watch your back, you'll end up crying and broken. I've got to figure out how to put the pieces back together and find some semblence of who I was before this all fell apart. I mean I think as I've grown older, I've made good use out of learning from my mistakes. But yet I was never taught the "What do I deserve" lesson. I think this was just that. I put good energy out into this world, I deserve better back. I deserve to be appreciated and valued. And right now I don't feel any tiny bit of that, but I guess I'll get there. For a fleeting moment, I felt like the world was crashing down and then I realized what I was losing. I wasn't losing anything. . . other than a shit ton of expensive baggage. Hopefully I can regain my friends who I lost credibility with due to my poor decision making skills of continuing to allow this charade to continue. And maybe even focus on myself. I think it will take me a long time to trust someone else with mess my head and heart have become. And I definitely need some time to figure stuff out on my own. I think time alone is a good thing. But I don't have to be alone. I have great wonderful friends, who really do truly care about me. And for them tonite, I am thankful. For the Shawn's and the Sally's of the world, they overshadow the Arron's. I've been told I'll be better off. I 100% agree. I'm not the loser in this. This didn't happen to me, it's just part of life. And as this chapter finally closes tonite . . . I'll know that God is working his magic. This was not how life was meant to be for me. I deserve something much better.

"whatever"

A couple things . . . .
a. I'm sick and tired of having to defend my character
b. Why do I try to do this to people who don't care at all about me, my feelings, or my life
c. Why do I continue to allow other people's influences to dictate my mood
d. When do some people become old enough to stop playing games

I'm so so so sick and tired to the point of tears of having to defend the extent of the amount of the ends of the earth I have gone, in order to prove my worthiness. How can someone be so blind? So ignorant? So manipulative to put someone in such a place that they feel on trial. We all know by now this person is clear POISON to me and my mentality. I wanna scream at the top of my lungs. I'm so sick of giving everything I have only to be demeaned, insulted, unappreciated. I have GOT to get myself out of this. It's not even remotely fair to me to continue to belong. I've just got to turn and walk away. My feelings are never going to matter. My opinion is never going to be considered. I am never going to feel protected. I am never going to feel beautiful enough, smart enough, good enough. I'm never going to feel special a day in my life. I'm never going to wake up in the morning and say "geesh I really do have it all." I'm always going to feel empty, as long as I continue to spill myself out, all at the response of "whatever" "you don't deserve xyz." Never will I receive a compliment. Never will I feel secure in knowing that I'm in an adult relationship. None of these things will ever happen. I feel fleeting moments of geez, if the games would just stop, things could be so good. But then again, how could I possibly feel anything positive about situation I've never been affirmed in. Just because there is time spent together doesn't mean their is anything more than manipulation going on.

Dang it. When am I gonna get mine. Why do situations in my life continue to end up like this? Why am I continued to be walked on? Why can't I just be a bitch and only worry about myself? Instead I spend too much time worrying about everyone else, what they want, what makes them happy, that I end up so depleted. Like just once, just once, I want to know that I'm good enough for someone. I want to know that I'm successful at making someone happy. I just want to be enough for someone. Like it's a terrible feeling to not be able to communicate. Guess I'm back to day 1. I can't even put into words how I feel. I mean I don't feel that dark abyss, but it's just the most frustrating feeling in the world. And I only have myself to blame. I got myself back into this situation, knowing the outcome. I not only have myself to blame, but I have the other side blaming me. It's a double edged sword.

It's funny that I wrote about perception yesterday. I mean I spent weeks milling, mulling, anguishing over a situation, that if I just had a minor detail, would have saved me from it all. It's amazing the things people have on their plates these days. And it's even more amazing to me how locked up some people are. I have my secrets too and there are things I've done I'm not proud of, but I'd like to think in the right situation I would be able to share them with someone. To me it's amazing how things fall into place. I think God may have finally been ready for me to have some closure and provided me with the right opportunities to know what I now know. It has provided clarity and peace for me in my situation. I think I can now focus a little bit more on me. I can work hard to find a job I love, get some things paid off, and maybe even meet someone new. I always have good intentions, but somewhere between intent and action, I usually fall a little short. I have a lot to process of how to gingerly handle the situation now that I am in a new role, but I think it'll turn out just fine.

It continues to amaze me how individuals can have such an affect on my attitude. I mean look at me. Two short weeks later, I'm in a completely different place. I'm not longer in a place of having to prove myself, need for affirmation, or respect. I'm ok with not having it. In fact, I don't even know if I want it. Maybe my lesson through this is to not allow others to dictate my feelings. Only I can allow myself to feel a certain way, and others certainly should not have so much weight on them. I think I'll put that on my to do list as well.

Life is all about perception. Some people say life is all about ass, getting some, covering it, or being one. But I say it's about perception. It's about how you perceive a situation. About how much or how little information you have about a situation. Others perceptions of your situation can be swayed based on the amount of information they have. It's a tragedy that I started this blog in attempts to vent and discover how I came to this place. Most of this has been about the negativity that is in my life. So I'd like to provide some information on the positive things that I should focus on more.

I feel guilty all the stress and burden I put on my mother. But god bless her soul, that woman would do ANYTHING for me. I got to spend all weekend with my wonderful mother, minus a few work hours. I hope that some day I can be as selfless and giving as her. My entire family puts so much weight on this one singular person, I hope to someday take the weight off of her.

I went shopping. (I know this is against the rules but . . ) And I bought a new pair of jeans. In a size that I haven't worn since high school. This in and of itself . . . is AMAZING!

We'll go with those two for now.

My happiness should not be contingent upon what anyone, other than myself does. My happiness should be about me and where I am in my life. Something I do not do so well at. I enjoy taking care of people and get great fullfillment from being able to make other people happy. Yet at the end of the day, I, as so many others are doing in their life, need to put myself first. I need to do what's best for me. I need to focus and prioritize on what's really important now. It's back to the first blogged I entered. I need to focus on my goals. And primarily find a job that I love so I don't have to wait tables the rest of my life. I just need to take some time to figure these kind of things out, however when you wait tables, it consumes your life. And any spare moment you have outside of that you just want to escape reality. I think focusing on me is best right now.

Only time shall tell

I'm not quite sure how I feel today. There are moments of nostalgia and there are moments of light at the end of the tunnel. They're intermixed and leave me very confused. It's brought me to a conclusion that this is all a game. Life, relationships, happiness, it's all a game. And if you don't play you're cards right, you lose. You lose in the sense you end up unhappy, broken, and torn and in the desperate place I have been to feel something other than those feelings. I know people say that happiness is a choice, not a destination. But sometimes making the choice to be happy can be hampered by numerous situations, people, events. I've had my fair share of situations, people, events encouraging my choice for happiness to be ever more difficult. I guess it's those one little things at a time. I had my first night without crying, but it didn't stop me from looking at my phone. Like I said, the good and the bad are intermixed. My way of coping as we all know is through alcohol, and I plan on confirming all of your suspisions of drinking tequila tonite as true. I don't know if I'll end up a drunk mess and reverting back to my old ways of forgiveness and the one down position (counseling term get your mind out of the gutter). Or if I'll end up in a dumpster somewhere. Like I said . . . I have moments of hope, and moments of complete unraveling, I guess we'll see how it turns out.

I never had to worry about being surprised. I never had to worry about when the flower delivery truck pulled up in our parking lot, whether it was for me. I never had to worry about the way I get real awkward when someone does something nice for me. None of that ever crossed my mind. I woke up this morning thinking it was going to be a tough day, then after venturing to work and it being nice out, I thought I would be ok. And now after some time at the gym, I'm just pissed. I mean why don't I deserve to have shit go my way once in a while. You'd think that as much as I extend myself to everyone I come in contact with that it would be returned. And for the most part, the people who truly do care about me do the best things a girl could ask for, listen, keep me busy, and don't judge when I fuck up. However, those who I extend the most too, often don't think it's enough, and ask for more and more and more until I'm completed depleted. I think that maybe that's part of how I got here, just plain out ran myself in the giving department that I don't have anything left to give to myself. And since when? Since when am I so nice that I'll spend my own hard earned money on someone who can't even treat me remotely close to how I deserve to be treated? Since when am I so forgiving to people who constantly fuck up? Seriously, how could I be so dumb. And needless to say there are countless people reading this that are saying "I told you so." But when you're caught up with someone who is a master manipulator, you see the writing on the wall, but make 1,000 excuses. I thought that eventually I would be good enough, needless to say, nothing I could have done, said, bought, looked like . . . would have EVER been good enough. And I feel so embarrassed to have allowed MYSELF to believe it. And even today, I'm still not quite sure how I get back to being the strong, you have to prove to me, confident person I used to be. I realize I'm going to need a lot of time, just to myself. I think I have to close the doors, retreat, and re-evaluate on my own. I don't think I"m over it today, there are still a few glimmers of hurt left in me. I'm sure I have a few more breakdowns left in me, but for now I'm ok. I know I'm on an uphill journey the next couple of weeks, and it's gonna be hard, but I have to do it, because no one is going to do it for me. At least I'm no longer in an abyssless hole like I have felt the past two weeks. I know I"m not alone, there are a few people who I know won't let me fall while I go through this. But I leave you with this . . . as my recent experience was with just this, and I'm about to do the same, I think it's ironic.


"People are tenacious when it comes to the treasure of their imaginary independence. They hoard and hold their sickness with a firm grip. They find their identity and worth in their brokenness and guard it with every ounce of strength they have. No wonder grace has such little attraction. In that sense you have tried to lock the door of your heart from the inside."

. . . .

Well . . . day 2. Unraveling has continued. I don't think I've been in such an unhappy place in my life. Its like the sand has been trickling out of the timer and just one day it ran out. It's so hard for me to even write this, that I can't put the words on the place that I've been in the past month. The past two weeks have been a tailspin. The only way I cope is to cry. I haven't cried in a long time, and it's all I've done the past two weeks. This isn't a pity party. Believe me, I'm over that. It's a how the hell do you get out of this hole you've created. How do you not make people hate you when you stand up for yourself? How do you get on a path to have life being something better? It's so hard to continue to treat someone with respect and adoration when in return is greed, jealousy, disrespect. When the writing is on the wall, I don't even know how to stand up for myself. I don't know how to put myself first. I don't know how to say, even I don't deserve this. People who manipulate behoove me. I don't know how someone could be so wreckless with someone elses life. Baz Luhrman says: "Don't be wreckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are wreckless with yours." If only I knew how to do the second part. I think back to myself when I used to be happy. What was it that I had? What did I believe in that I don't believe now? You'd like to think that a person can only take so much but I swear I'm a glutton for punishment. All for what? Nothing. Only to end up back in the same hurt, broken spot again. Don't get me wrong this isn't about a singular person in my life right now. It's about a repetitive theme. However the situation has only exacerbated my depth of heartache in life. I don't know how I'm going to get out of this situation. I think that this particular situation that we all know I'm in, is at the center of this current tail spin but not the center of problem. I'm miserable in it, I'm miserable out of it. I don't know if that is the choice I'm choosing, if I'm not as strong as I used to be, or if all of the compounding factors in my life right now have left me with so few choices.

The Beginning

The Beginning. I'm not quite sure how I got to this place of pitiful desperation for my life to turn around, and I'm sure lots of you are wondering how my wonderful outwardly looking life could possibly have any flaws, but on the inside I'm quickly unraveling. I share this with the twittering world, because there is a list of my followers. Most of whom, I would dearly trust with my life. I don't feel comfortable sharing this with everyone (i.e. facebook/myspace) I share it with those who I know have my best interest at heart. I don't know if this is about a level of sharing how it came to be, or more about a level of accountability I've never had in my life. I've set many goals for myself in my life. Some of which I have acheived far and beyond. I mean those of you who knew me through grad school . . . who ever thought I'd make it out of THAT alive. On the other side of the coin, there is a long list of goals I have set for myself that I have failed miserably at, and quietly swept them under the rug and chalked them up as failures, only to attribute to my floundering self-esteem. There are a few things this summer I want to accomplish and I'm hoping those of you who do read this, will check in on my progress, and hold me accountable when I am slacking. I do realize I may again, fail miserably at some of these things, but I want to put a good hearty effort into them before giving up too easily. A. Take, develop, and display more photography B. Take an R&B dance class (please no laughs, I'm dead serious, The Rise and Fall of Danity Kane has further progressed my desire to learn to dance) C. I'd like to lose 20-25 more pounds by my 25th Birthday D. I'd like to pay some shit off and have at least some money in savings E. Run the Columbus Marathon All minor goals, but things I would like to accomplish none the less. So if those of you who do read this could check in, see how I'm doing, provide motivation on where I'm at with each of these, I would gladly appreciate it :)