They say happiness is not a destination, rather a journey. I don't think I quite believe in this. I feel as though happiness is like a real nice vacation. I feel as though we often have to discover what makes us happy, spend a long time traveling to that place, and then just relax there for the rest of our lives. I have spent a LONG . . . . VERY LONG . . . time in the discovery phase. I've spent many years, hours, long talks with good friends attempting to discover where it is that I needed, wanted, destined to be. And I don't know how I traveled to where it is, but I think I've found my island in the sky. I'm in essence arriving at my destination, I'm getting off the place, I'm in the taxi on the way to my beautiful wonderland. It's so close I can touch it. And being so close excites me. I've never been so thoroughly excited about the direction my life is taking than right now. I see my life becoming, evolving into exactly it is that I've wanted for SO long. The ME I dreamed of being, is about to be a reality. I see the whole picture. While, yes, I am waiting for a few more puzzle pieces to fall into place, I can see where the pieces go. I think luck, God, and hard work are going to need to be on my side for these pieces to come together, but I really think that for once in my life, I just might be ok. Better than ok. I think the people who know me the best, would say that I"m cautiously optimistic, in all arenas, especially job and relationships. But I'm OPTIMISTIC. And I'm ready to work hard, harder than I've ever worked in my entire life, to get that taxi to the destination I'm meant to be at. I think God has put me through some tough times as of recently. Lets me honest, we all know the reason I started this blog was rough on me. The 7 months of looking for a job took an excrutiating toll on me, my life, my sanity, my liver. But it all happened for a reason. I knew that the way I treated my life so wrecklessly the past two months was because I knew once something great came along, I had to be ready to focus. I had to be ready to give all else up to pour my heart and soul into whatever it was that came my way. While there are some minor set backs in my life, I'm not worried about those. I'm ready to focus on the positive, focus on the fact that in a few short months, I'm positive that those set backs will not be an issue.
I've met some wonderful people this summer. . . and some not so wonderful people. But I have slowly begun to fill my life with people. People who I can have some amazing conversations with. And the awesome thing is . . . is I"m on the verge of opening up a whole new social network to myself. I'm about to embark on a professional circle that I've never been a part of. This is SO exciting.
So back to those goals I created at the beginning of summer. I failed miserably at a few. But maybe those . . . we can still work on. HOWEVER . . . one of the few I thought I wouldn't be that upset if I didn't accomplish . . . will be happening tomorrow. I'm attending a hip hop dance class. You also have NO idea how much this excites me. I'm stepping out of my comfort zone. I'm losing my inhibitions in a way I've never known before. All because I have met wonderful people already at my new job. This is the kind of networking, people sharing, collaborating, I've been missing in my life.
Moving on . . . . literally. After a year and a half. I think I'm ready to let him go. I've tried for so long to make it work. I've tried so hard to be a priority. And after chasing it for so long, I think it's lost it's luster. Maybe that's why I've been bummed in the relationship (like thinking about serious relationship) department, because I've finally realized . . . it would have never worked. I would never have the support I needed, the conversation, the love that I need so badly in a relationship. And it's almost sad that his feelings have grown stronger. It's almost too little, too late. And it really bums me out. Where was he when I wanted this all along? So, I'm sure this will be a damper when I decide that it's time to talk it out, and let him know . . . . that my feelings have changed. I'll miss him a lot, and hopefully we'll remain terrific friends, but I just don't ever think we'll be the same now that my feelings have burned out. While many people would think that this normally would hinder my happiness, I'm COMPLETELY ok with it. I'm ready to focus on me. I'm ready to spend time grabbing my destination of happiness and embracing the steady climb to self-actualization.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Long time no post
So . . . . .
I haven't posted in a while. And while anyone who reads this on a regular basis (no one) will find. . . already knows that things aren't going so well. The things I originally set this blog out to discover now seem irrelevant. But have led me to a fruitful finding. I need to put myself first. I have GOT to stop worrying about the other people in my life and figure out what it is that is going to get me out of this vicious cycle of economy eating and career ending paths. I spent 6 years going to school for something that . . . to be honest . . . no longer seems in the least bit interesting. Maybe it's burnout . . . maybe it's lack of research. Lack of research on my part of something that I could see myself doing the rest of my life. I see people every day that specialized that took a small . . . very small . . . childhood dream of their own and just went with it. They found their niche. While I"m super jealous of this . . . I feel so far behind. I love the fact that the poeple around me are successful, I continuously ask myself . . . where did I go wrong? Did my parents and I not ever have the "follow your dreams" talk? Did I just happen upon something in college that seemed so easy that I just went with it?
It's so interesting to me the shift this blog and my life have taken in the past 5 months. I mean I wish the reason I started this blog could see me now. But I know he's too self-centered and ignorant to even relatively care. Yah he would see a big hot mess of a life . . . but I know that he would know that I for once come first. My life is coming together (I feel like) in so many aspects, but still falling apart at the same time. And it's funny that the part that is falling apart influences the part that is falling apart. Insecurities seep over into my social aspect of my life due to the fact that my career is going no where.
I don't know where to re-begin. One of my friends said to be the other day "It's not about what happened in the past, it's about moving forward. What are YOU going to do to move forward?" Obviously I have to make some changes. Get a schedule for myself. Get back to the things I love. Get back to the gym. Get back to being serious about being successful in life. Obviously I'm not one of those people who is able to free-load off their parents. I love when new people find out about the actuality of my situation. The first question they ask is "Can your parents help?" HA. That's what I say "HA." My mother is my absolute best friend in the world. I talked to her 3-4 times a day since I moved out of my parents home in September of 2002. Do you know how many times I've talked to her in the past month excluding my birthday. . . . . . 3. 3. That's less than one full hand.
It's not even the lack of financial support I'm mad about from my parents. That's not it at all. I'm 25 years old. I should be supporting myself. It's that when push comes to shove with my mother . . . she doesn't know how to take her own worries out of the picture and just allow me to be worried about myself. Maybe that sounds selfish. But just be my best friend for a minute. Let me worry. Let me be concerned about where my life is headed, instead of dragging your own worries into this picture and dragging me right down with you. It tears me up inside to know end to not be able to call her up.
My dad started a new job. I'm really happy for him. You have no idea the amount of struggle he has been through in his life. I know that his story goes way deeper than I'll ever imagine. And I know that I need to spend more time inquiring about his early life before it's too late. My dad is one of the greatest guys imaginable. Any guy would be lucky to be half the man he is. If only I could find someone as strong and supportive as him.
While we're on the subject of guys . . . a year and a half. Really? Have I really allowed myself to be strung along for someone who reminds me SO greatly of my father for a year and a half? While all my friends have told me that he's the one for me. . . . I'm slowly coming to my own conclusion. I feel like when you meet that one person . . . you just know. Believe me . . . I KNEW when I met him. But a year and a half later . . . our relationship has not changed. It's still superficial and I still can't find a strong emotionally supportive connection with him. I don't need a lot from someone. All I need is a shoulder to cry on and someone to say "Everything will be ok."
In the mean time . . . shits gotta start falling into place. If not . .. you're slowly gonna see this girl drown . . (drown . . drowned . . . drownd . . hmmm). There have been so many mistakes I have made in the past 6 years that I just wish I knew now what I know then. I feel like everyone else was taught these lessons pre high school and these are lessons I'm just now coming to conclusions on because I have had to learn them myself. I feel like maybe the sheletered life of a mercer county girl has had more repercussions many years later than they did my freshman year of college. But again . . . what am I going to do to move forward? What am I going to do to make this situation better? Right now . . . I have ZERO . . . I mean ZERO answers . . . . . and I don't know where I'm going to find them. And that's VERY unsettling for me.
I haven't posted in a while. And while anyone who reads this on a regular basis (no one) will find. . . already knows that things aren't going so well. The things I originally set this blog out to discover now seem irrelevant. But have led me to a fruitful finding. I need to put myself first. I have GOT to stop worrying about the other people in my life and figure out what it is that is going to get me out of this vicious cycle of economy eating and career ending paths. I spent 6 years going to school for something that . . . to be honest . . . no longer seems in the least bit interesting. Maybe it's burnout . . . maybe it's lack of research. Lack of research on my part of something that I could see myself doing the rest of my life. I see people every day that specialized that took a small . . . very small . . . childhood dream of their own and just went with it. They found their niche. While I"m super jealous of this . . . I feel so far behind. I love the fact that the poeple around me are successful, I continuously ask myself . . . where did I go wrong? Did my parents and I not ever have the "follow your dreams" talk? Did I just happen upon something in college that seemed so easy that I just went with it?
It's so interesting to me the shift this blog and my life have taken in the past 5 months. I mean I wish the reason I started this blog could see me now. But I know he's too self-centered and ignorant to even relatively care. Yah he would see a big hot mess of a life . . . but I know that he would know that I for once come first. My life is coming together (I feel like) in so many aspects, but still falling apart at the same time. And it's funny that the part that is falling apart influences the part that is falling apart. Insecurities seep over into my social aspect of my life due to the fact that my career is going no where.
I don't know where to re-begin. One of my friends said to be the other day "It's not about what happened in the past, it's about moving forward. What are YOU going to do to move forward?" Obviously I have to make some changes. Get a schedule for myself. Get back to the things I love. Get back to the gym. Get back to being serious about being successful in life. Obviously I'm not one of those people who is able to free-load off their parents. I love when new people find out about the actuality of my situation. The first question they ask is "Can your parents help?" HA. That's what I say "HA." My mother is my absolute best friend in the world. I talked to her 3-4 times a day since I moved out of my parents home in September of 2002. Do you know how many times I've talked to her in the past month excluding my birthday. . . . . . 3. 3. That's less than one full hand.
It's not even the lack of financial support I'm mad about from my parents. That's not it at all. I'm 25 years old. I should be supporting myself. It's that when push comes to shove with my mother . . . she doesn't know how to take her own worries out of the picture and just allow me to be worried about myself. Maybe that sounds selfish. But just be my best friend for a minute. Let me worry. Let me be concerned about where my life is headed, instead of dragging your own worries into this picture and dragging me right down with you. It tears me up inside to know end to not be able to call her up.
My dad started a new job. I'm really happy for him. You have no idea the amount of struggle he has been through in his life. I know that his story goes way deeper than I'll ever imagine. And I know that I need to spend more time inquiring about his early life before it's too late. My dad is one of the greatest guys imaginable. Any guy would be lucky to be half the man he is. If only I could find someone as strong and supportive as him.
While we're on the subject of guys . . . a year and a half. Really? Have I really allowed myself to be strung along for someone who reminds me SO greatly of my father for a year and a half? While all my friends have told me that he's the one for me. . . . I'm slowly coming to my own conclusion. I feel like when you meet that one person . . . you just know. Believe me . . . I KNEW when I met him. But a year and a half later . . . our relationship has not changed. It's still superficial and I still can't find a strong emotionally supportive connection with him. I don't need a lot from someone. All I need is a shoulder to cry on and someone to say "Everything will be ok."
In the mean time . . . shits gotta start falling into place. If not . .. you're slowly gonna see this girl drown . . (drown . . drowned . . . drownd . . hmmm). There have been so many mistakes I have made in the past 6 years that I just wish I knew now what I know then. I feel like everyone else was taught these lessons pre high school and these are lessons I'm just now coming to conclusions on because I have had to learn them myself. I feel like maybe the sheletered life of a mercer county girl has had more repercussions many years later than they did my freshman year of college. But again . . . what am I going to do to move forward? What am I going to do to make this situation better? Right now . . . I have ZERO . . . I mean ZERO answers . . . . . and I don't know where I'm going to find them. And that's VERY unsettling for me.
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