Square 1

I have wondered if my backward slide was due to my life being on hold.  Quite frankly, I feel it has nothing to do with it.

I'm back to square 1.

Back to the place where it hurts like hell.  Back to the place where I wake up in the morning, and I instantly start crying, because this is not just a dream.  Back to the place where I can't eat, can't walk, can't think.

I'm unsure if anyone has ever had to go through exactly what I've been through.  Breaking up with someone you see every single day.  Now granted, I know there are people out there who have broken up with people they work with.  But I don't think anyone has ever broke up with JJ.  He certainly is one of a kind.

To have someone look at you, and see right through you.  To pretend like you're not even standing in front of them.  To say "Hi" and get no response.  It's like someone has sliced me in half.

I miss him more than ever this past week.  I miss going places in his truck.  I miss coming home and him telling me "Hey Babe."  I miss getting random texts.  I miss getting a hug in the kitchen.  I miss everything about him.

I know I caused a lot of fights.  I'm OCD, childish, and selfish at times.  None of which lend to being very easy to deal with.  I realize that 90% of everything I was mad at him for.  I should have been mad at myself for.  I was always mad because he never made any time for us.  Well I'm unsure where I was making time for us in between, work, bringing my work bag home, the gym, obsessing over a diet, or worrying about what my friends were out doing.  I would get mad because he wouldn't save his money/spend it on us.  I never had to spend money on us, because I never had any to spend.  It's ridiculous for me to be upset at him for this.  I would be hurt because he never said nice things to me.  When in reality he said nice things to me all the time, I just don't know how to take a compliment, or hear them.  And when was I ever telling him nice things?

And this is the problem.  All of what I realized, was realized too late.  Realizing that I care about someone so much, who won't give me the time of day.  I called and left a voicemail.  With no return call.  I don't suppose he's going to call either.   If he wanted to talk to me, he walks by me every day, knows where my office is at and knows my phone number.

I just wish he would miss me.  I wish he would remember the good times.  I wish he would see ME.  ME standing in front of him.  And not a stranger.  Not a monster.  I wish he would see the kind person who truly cares about him.  Who has fought many times to stay in his life.  Who truly wants to be beside him for the rest of it.  I wish he would remember how much that summer he wanted to be with me.  I wish he would remember the good things.  And call me back.

On Hold

A lot continues to change for me.  My mind remains methaphorical mush.  While I try to navigate the world of what is real, what is imagined, and what is experienced by others.  I find myself drifting off in thought because my small, tiny, little brain, cannot wrap itself around the concepts with which it's trying to grasp.  Lately . . . I feel as though my life is on hold.   On hold for this : 

What is it you say?  It's an obvious mud hole.  It's nothing fantastic.  I can't even tell you that the door facing forward will be mine.  Because it won't.  It will be the second door on the side.  To a tiny one bedroom, upstairs apartment.  But ya know what.  It will be mine.  

This is one conclusion I've come to lately.   That this life.  This life I have right here, right now, is mine.  And I'm not going to let anyone step their toes or get their grubby little paws on my life right now.  I don't want to share my time, my strength, or my energy on . . . . anyone.  I'm going to do things my way, on my terms.  I will share as much or as little of myself as I feel/see fit. 

I went on a date.  Well . . . . I think it was a date.   I'm not real sure.  And I was left with a bitter taste in my mouth.  There is SO much more to myself, or any person, than you can convey in a 20 minute car ride to a movie.  Why do other adults not understand this?  People.  You.  Me.  Everyone.  Has such depth with which to share.  And do we ever truly experience each other's depth.  I don't feel as though we do.  And the few people we do begin to reach some depth of knowing with, are often the ones who hurt us.  

I think this little apartment will be another step of moving on.  This will be my first solo apartment since I've had my professional job.  It will be where I come home from work.  It will be a fresh start.  A place for me to figure things out on my own.  As my mind de-mushifies itself, and starts to figure things out.  This will be where I put the pieces back together.  And I can't say that enough.  After the past two months . . . . this . . . is where I will start to put the pieces back together.   I have to.