I think at some subconscious level holding on to a glimmer of hope eases pain.

What I will learn/ Never do again.

When someone uses the words “I love you.” I will not take it as a formality. Those are heartfelt words, that someone would not use, if they did not mean them. Just like the thought I put into saying, typing those same words . . . so did the other person. No one has to use those words. But when they say them, they mean it. A small inconsideration does not incriminate a person against these words. Life happens. Love is a feeling. An action. An overall generalization you get when looking at the person you feel a heart to heart connection with. Small daily life events are not ammunition against a person to change the way a person feels. Those words truly are meant, and just because someone did not put the seat down does not mean that person does not love you.

Everyone. Absolutely EVERYONE in the world has emotions. Though some people bottle them up and though some people don’t show them, everyone’s wheels turn. Everyone thinks about their life in a complex, processed way. Everyone is fighting their own demons. And though they may not wear them on their sleeve, everyone is thinking . . . feeling . . . building inside. This is not cause to set your own feelings up on center stage. In relationships both individuals feelings need to be side by side, heard and valued. A person with ever present emotions is not suffering any more or any less than a person who keeps them inside. A person who has outward expressive emotions is not in any more pain than a person who is crying on the inside. Sensitivity is learned. It is learned from prior experiences. At some point, when getting into an adult relationship, those sensitivities need to be wiped clean and started fresh with that particular individual. Old hurts, those wounds, need to be closed and healed before entering into a new relationship. Old wounds are the basis for which salt is rubbed creating sensitivity.

A relationship, with anyone, significant other, dog, family member should never be taken for granted. At the most complex or simplest level. It takes work, time, sweat, tears to have a successful relationship with someone. No one is obligated to do that. No one owes you anything. And a person who puts that same work, time, sweat and tears into a relationship must really want to be there to do that. Taking someone for granted is taking advantage of that person, their life story, their journey. It’s saying that who they have become is not worth upkeep. Everyone’s journey is special. Everyone’s journey is innately hard. Everyone has had their struggles. And everyone who walks this earth is deserving of someone who appreciates them as a whole.

I will, in all situations, take three steps back . . . . and breathe. I get entirely (is an understatement) caught up in the present. As a counselor you are taught to be in the here and now. This moment, this one right here. That really only works . . . in a therapeutic sense. Yes, lets not take life’s small pleasures for granted and be gracious. But being in this second, current second, in a relationship, so many times is not the best idea. When in times of arguing, disagreement, frustration, taking a step or two or three back from the situation has never caused more damage than quick gut reacting. Gut reacting is instinct. It’s what is built in us as humans to fight or flight. I am not dealing with another cave man over my families dinner. I’m dealing with someone I care about. I’m dealing with someone who has done good things for me and I have done good things for them. I’m always so ready to fight. Always so ready to jump to the defensive. When I get wrapped up in an argument, I need to understand . . . Am I really being attacked? What is it that I’m trying to prove? Why am I feeling such a urge to jump, lunge, lash at that person. It’s all my own teaching. There is no need for jumping, lunging and lashing. Remaining calm is simply my only thought to fix this for now. Having a longer fuse. Which leads to:

I will not burden my stress on others. Life should be simple. Life doesn’t need to get complicated. Getting caught up in life stress i.e. dieting, exercise, groceries, bills, dividing time will not be the burden of my partner. One can eat healthy, exercise and maintain a household . . . without becoming a monster. These highway times will pass and some day we will be on country roads. This is a temporary state. And while I may get caught up in all these things, they should not hold me back from simply enjoying the best things that are around me in life.

I will keep my relationship as a devotion of love. Love is one of the deepest feelings someone can feel for another. This is one of the only feelings I can think of that creates such extreme highs and disparaging lows. The gut wrench that comes out of broken love is tormentuous. But do we ever spend time living, breathing, relishing in those moments of extreme love. That moment when you look at the person you love and smile, just because they feel something unimagineable for you. Do we hold on to those feelings? Or do we stick them in the back of our file bank as a simple feeling? I will make time for feeling joy from love.

I will not judge the person I’m with. I will trust them. I will know that they’re words, knowledge, expertise comes from a place of experience just like mine. I need to trust that the person I am with will provide me with the most useful information they have at the time. I will never think that my brain or heart is on a continuum higher or lower than theirs. That judgment is not meant for me. And the means by which I judge others, I will someday be held to. That my standards for myself, do not have to be the standards for others. That my goals for myself do not have to be the goals for my partner. And if their goals are different, does not mean they are lesser than mine.

I want someone who loves me like crazy. I want someone who will do anything for me. And more importantly than both of those. . . I will know and acknowledge it when it comes to me. For this is the root of my problem. Having someone who will do anything for me and loving me like crazy. Being caught up in my own life, stress, and judgment blinded me to taking advantage of someone who possessed the quality I desired in a partner more than ever. I had someone who was willing to face their darkest fear on a regular basis just to please me. Just for me to be too complacent to notice. And I’ll never get so comfortable again, that I don’t see what is right in front of me. The only hope I have is to pray that God has given me the gift of knowledge of my mistake and grants that person the gift of forgiveness. So that I may show them too, what a truly special person they are.

I think Chandler had it right.

Chandler: You don't have to stop having fun just because I'm here. Kathy didn't cheat on all of you. (To Joey) Well, except you. (They hug and Chandler goes into the bathroom with the chick and the duck following him.) Monica: Hey, Joey, I don't think you should leave Chandler alone. I mean it's only been two days since he broke up with Kathy. Maybe you can go fishing next week? Joey: Look, there's nothing I can do for him right now, he's still in his sweat pants, that's still Phase One. Y'know? I'll be back for Phase Two, I would never miss Phase Two. Monica: What's Phase Two? Joey: Gettin' drunk and going to a strip club. Rachel: How does going to a strip club help him get better? Ross: Because there are naked ladies there. Joey: Which helps him get to Phase Three, picturing yourself with other women. This weekend. . . . today . . . probably tomorrow . . . I feel like I'm in this episode. I'm definitely Chandler. I spent all weekend in my sweats. Nothing but wallowing in self pity. I remember the last time my long term relationship ended. I spent three months. THREE MONTHS . . . laying in my bed, at home, crying. I unfortunately have grown up since then, and 5 years later I have responsibilities. I can't lay in my bed all day. I can't sit around and cry for the rest of my life. Do I want everything to go back to normal, back to the way it was but with all the puzzle pieces in the right place. . . of course I do. But I don't think that's going to be happening. So I'm left with a decision. I can sit around in Phase One for another week . . . or I can move on to Phase Two. So who's getting drunk and going to the strip club with me? I was also pondering this as I drove back this morning. What is it about getting drunk after a break up that instantly makes everything better. Is it the numbness of alcohol. Is it the fact that it preoccupies your mind that you don't have to pay attention to what you're really thinking about. Or is it the social aspect of reaching out to old/new friends. Whatever it is. . . . this has always been my method of coping during these times. Albeit not healthy, or even remotely productive. I have an album called "The Rebound." A compilation of pictures after my last break up (a short lived, though emotionally draining relationship). Is that what is going to happen this time? Where I lose 50 lbs because I drink and smoke myself into an emotionally numbing coma. Who knows. Right now, I know my only option is to pretend like this situation doesn't exist. To pretend like I'm not living in this nightmare right now. To take a mental break from the exhaustion of heartfelt miserable-ness. And when I come up for air . . . I'll figure out what to do next.