Lucky ones.

I should be sleeping, but I think I'll blog quick before I do so. I am, matter of fact, the luckiest girl alive. I may not have it all . . . money, cars, and a rolex. But who gives a f***. I have some of the best people that roam this earth as my friends. I feel this way EVERY SINGLE TIME I hang out with these people. To be honest, I don't know why I claim other people as my friends, because to be honest, these people make me feel more special and more meaningful than anyone in the world (minus my family . . . small disclaimer sorry). I mean where else can I eat mini-cakes in the middle of a bar and people think it's funny. Where else can we pass the wave from arm to arm and have it end up with two finger under someone's nose (James Conway whoop whoop!) He would have been proud. I know that each and everyone of us that I saw tonite is struggling with something different. And there are times when I feel that my problems are so insignificant and pail in comparison to those of the people I spend my fondest memories with. But I know they appreciate the struggle I am going through. And I think that's what friendship is all about. It's not about who's problems are the worst. Or who supports who the most. It's about knowing that each and every one of us is there for each individual person for their own strife. And I don't think I'd make it through the day not knowing that I have the support I do. Each one of us carries our seperate load and I think that each person I came in contact with tonite, bears a little bit of that load with us. I think back to the days when these people weren't in my life, and I hope that I can only continue to grow to be a part of what they need. I don't think I share my appreciation for them enough. I LOVE making time for this group of people. If we were on a desert island somewhere, I have no qualms that we would create a wonderful socieity of helping, nurturing, LAUGHING people. i go to sleep tonite continuing on my journey to a happier future and knowing that I truly truly am one of the lucky ones.

Chapter 1

Maybe this isn't journey to the center. Maybe it's journey to the outside. To take down all the walls I've built up for so long. To finally really truly let someone in. This isn't about how this got started, why it happened, or the cause . . . life should be more about moving forward. I need to learn from my mistakes and make better choices in the future. What have I learned? That no matter how good you treat someone, no matter how patient, no matter how kind . . . some people really will just use you. Some people are terrible. Not everyone will give you the benefit of the doubt like I will. Not everyone will allow you to make mistakes and be forgiven. I think I was meant to learn that this is a tough tough world, and if you don't watch your back, you'll end up crying and broken. I've got to figure out how to put the pieces back together and find some semblence of who I was before this all fell apart. I mean I think as I've grown older, I've made good use out of learning from my mistakes. But yet I was never taught the "What do I deserve" lesson. I think this was just that. I put good energy out into this world, I deserve better back. I deserve to be appreciated and valued. And right now I don't feel any tiny bit of that, but I guess I'll get there. For a fleeting moment, I felt like the world was crashing down and then I realized what I was losing. I wasn't losing anything. . . other than a shit ton of expensive baggage. Hopefully I can regain my friends who I lost credibility with due to my poor decision making skills of continuing to allow this charade to continue. And maybe even focus on myself. I think it will take me a long time to trust someone else with mess my head and heart have become. And I definitely need some time to figure stuff out on my own. I think time alone is a good thing. But I don't have to be alone. I have great wonderful friends, who really do truly care about me. And for them tonite, I am thankful. For the Shawn's and the Sally's of the world, they overshadow the Arron's. I've been told I'll be better off. I 100% agree. I'm not the loser in this. This didn't happen to me, it's just part of life. And as this chapter finally closes tonite . . . I'll know that God is working his magic. This was not how life was meant to be for me. I deserve something much better.

"whatever"

A couple things . . . .
a. I'm sick and tired of having to defend my character
b. Why do I try to do this to people who don't care at all about me, my feelings, or my life
c. Why do I continue to allow other people's influences to dictate my mood
d. When do some people become old enough to stop playing games

I'm so so so sick and tired to the point of tears of having to defend the extent of the amount of the ends of the earth I have gone, in order to prove my worthiness. How can someone be so blind? So ignorant? So manipulative to put someone in such a place that they feel on trial. We all know by now this person is clear POISON to me and my mentality. I wanna scream at the top of my lungs. I'm so sick of giving everything I have only to be demeaned, insulted, unappreciated. I have GOT to get myself out of this. It's not even remotely fair to me to continue to belong. I've just got to turn and walk away. My feelings are never going to matter. My opinion is never going to be considered. I am never going to feel protected. I am never going to feel beautiful enough, smart enough, good enough. I'm never going to feel special a day in my life. I'm never going to wake up in the morning and say "geesh I really do have it all." I'm always going to feel empty, as long as I continue to spill myself out, all at the response of "whatever" "you don't deserve xyz." Never will I receive a compliment. Never will I feel secure in knowing that I'm in an adult relationship. None of these things will ever happen. I feel fleeting moments of geez, if the games would just stop, things could be so good. But then again, how could I possibly feel anything positive about situation I've never been affirmed in. Just because there is time spent together doesn't mean their is anything more than manipulation going on.

Dang it. When am I gonna get mine. Why do situations in my life continue to end up like this? Why am I continued to be walked on? Why can't I just be a bitch and only worry about myself? Instead I spend too much time worrying about everyone else, what they want, what makes them happy, that I end up so depleted. Like just once, just once, I want to know that I'm good enough for someone. I want to know that I'm successful at making someone happy. I just want to be enough for someone. Like it's a terrible feeling to not be able to communicate. Guess I'm back to day 1. I can't even put into words how I feel. I mean I don't feel that dark abyss, but it's just the most frustrating feeling in the world. And I only have myself to blame. I got myself back into this situation, knowing the outcome. I not only have myself to blame, but I have the other side blaming me. It's a double edged sword.

It's funny that I wrote about perception yesterday. I mean I spent weeks milling, mulling, anguishing over a situation, that if I just had a minor detail, would have saved me from it all. It's amazing the things people have on their plates these days. And it's even more amazing to me how locked up some people are. I have my secrets too and there are things I've done I'm not proud of, but I'd like to think in the right situation I would be able to share them with someone. To me it's amazing how things fall into place. I think God may have finally been ready for me to have some closure and provided me with the right opportunities to know what I now know. It has provided clarity and peace for me in my situation. I think I can now focus a little bit more on me. I can work hard to find a job I love, get some things paid off, and maybe even meet someone new. I always have good intentions, but somewhere between intent and action, I usually fall a little short. I have a lot to process of how to gingerly handle the situation now that I am in a new role, but I think it'll turn out just fine.

It continues to amaze me how individuals can have such an affect on my attitude. I mean look at me. Two short weeks later, I'm in a completely different place. I'm not longer in a place of having to prove myself, need for affirmation, or respect. I'm ok with not having it. In fact, I don't even know if I want it. Maybe my lesson through this is to not allow others to dictate my feelings. Only I can allow myself to feel a certain way, and others certainly should not have so much weight on them. I think I'll put that on my to do list as well.

Life is all about perception. Some people say life is all about ass, getting some, covering it, or being one. But I say it's about perception. It's about how you perceive a situation. About how much or how little information you have about a situation. Others perceptions of your situation can be swayed based on the amount of information they have. It's a tragedy that I started this blog in attempts to vent and discover how I came to this place. Most of this has been about the negativity that is in my life. So I'd like to provide some information on the positive things that I should focus on more.

I feel guilty all the stress and burden I put on my mother. But god bless her soul, that woman would do ANYTHING for me. I got to spend all weekend with my wonderful mother, minus a few work hours. I hope that some day I can be as selfless and giving as her. My entire family puts so much weight on this one singular person, I hope to someday take the weight off of her.

I went shopping. (I know this is against the rules but . . ) And I bought a new pair of jeans. In a size that I haven't worn since high school. This in and of itself . . . is AMAZING!

We'll go with those two for now.

My happiness should not be contingent upon what anyone, other than myself does. My happiness should be about me and where I am in my life. Something I do not do so well at. I enjoy taking care of people and get great fullfillment from being able to make other people happy. Yet at the end of the day, I, as so many others are doing in their life, need to put myself first. I need to do what's best for me. I need to focus and prioritize on what's really important now. It's back to the first blogged I entered. I need to focus on my goals. And primarily find a job that I love so I don't have to wait tables the rest of my life. I just need to take some time to figure these kind of things out, however when you wait tables, it consumes your life. And any spare moment you have outside of that you just want to escape reality. I think focusing on me is best right now.

Only time shall tell

I'm not quite sure how I feel today. There are moments of nostalgia and there are moments of light at the end of the tunnel. They're intermixed and leave me very confused. It's brought me to a conclusion that this is all a game. Life, relationships, happiness, it's all a game. And if you don't play you're cards right, you lose. You lose in the sense you end up unhappy, broken, and torn and in the desperate place I have been to feel something other than those feelings. I know people say that happiness is a choice, not a destination. But sometimes making the choice to be happy can be hampered by numerous situations, people, events. I've had my fair share of situations, people, events encouraging my choice for happiness to be ever more difficult. I guess it's those one little things at a time. I had my first night without crying, but it didn't stop me from looking at my phone. Like I said, the good and the bad are intermixed. My way of coping as we all know is through alcohol, and I plan on confirming all of your suspisions of drinking tequila tonite as true. I don't know if I'll end up a drunk mess and reverting back to my old ways of forgiveness and the one down position (counseling term get your mind out of the gutter). Or if I'll end up in a dumpster somewhere. Like I said . . . I have moments of hope, and moments of complete unraveling, I guess we'll see how it turns out.

I never had to worry about being surprised. I never had to worry about when the flower delivery truck pulled up in our parking lot, whether it was for me. I never had to worry about the way I get real awkward when someone does something nice for me. None of that ever crossed my mind. I woke up this morning thinking it was going to be a tough day, then after venturing to work and it being nice out, I thought I would be ok. And now after some time at the gym, I'm just pissed. I mean why don't I deserve to have shit go my way once in a while. You'd think that as much as I extend myself to everyone I come in contact with that it would be returned. And for the most part, the people who truly do care about me do the best things a girl could ask for, listen, keep me busy, and don't judge when I fuck up. However, those who I extend the most too, often don't think it's enough, and ask for more and more and more until I'm completed depleted. I think that maybe that's part of how I got here, just plain out ran myself in the giving department that I don't have anything left to give to myself. And since when? Since when am I so nice that I'll spend my own hard earned money on someone who can't even treat me remotely close to how I deserve to be treated? Since when am I so forgiving to people who constantly fuck up? Seriously, how could I be so dumb. And needless to say there are countless people reading this that are saying "I told you so." But when you're caught up with someone who is a master manipulator, you see the writing on the wall, but make 1,000 excuses. I thought that eventually I would be good enough, needless to say, nothing I could have done, said, bought, looked like . . . would have EVER been good enough. And I feel so embarrassed to have allowed MYSELF to believe it. And even today, I'm still not quite sure how I get back to being the strong, you have to prove to me, confident person I used to be. I realize I'm going to need a lot of time, just to myself. I think I have to close the doors, retreat, and re-evaluate on my own. I don't think I"m over it today, there are still a few glimmers of hurt left in me. I'm sure I have a few more breakdowns left in me, but for now I'm ok. I know I'm on an uphill journey the next couple of weeks, and it's gonna be hard, but I have to do it, because no one is going to do it for me. At least I'm no longer in an abyssless hole like I have felt the past two weeks. I know I"m not alone, there are a few people who I know won't let me fall while I go through this. But I leave you with this . . . as my recent experience was with just this, and I'm about to do the same, I think it's ironic.


"People are tenacious when it comes to the treasure of their imaginary independence. They hoard and hold their sickness with a firm grip. They find their identity and worth in their brokenness and guard it with every ounce of strength they have. No wonder grace has such little attraction. In that sense you have tried to lock the door of your heart from the inside."

. . . .

Well . . . day 2. Unraveling has continued. I don't think I've been in such an unhappy place in my life. Its like the sand has been trickling out of the timer and just one day it ran out. It's so hard for me to even write this, that I can't put the words on the place that I've been in the past month. The past two weeks have been a tailspin. The only way I cope is to cry. I haven't cried in a long time, and it's all I've done the past two weeks. This isn't a pity party. Believe me, I'm over that. It's a how the hell do you get out of this hole you've created. How do you not make people hate you when you stand up for yourself? How do you get on a path to have life being something better? It's so hard to continue to treat someone with respect and adoration when in return is greed, jealousy, disrespect. When the writing is on the wall, I don't even know how to stand up for myself. I don't know how to put myself first. I don't know how to say, even I don't deserve this. People who manipulate behoove me. I don't know how someone could be so wreckless with someone elses life. Baz Luhrman says: "Don't be wreckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are wreckless with yours." If only I knew how to do the second part. I think back to myself when I used to be happy. What was it that I had? What did I believe in that I don't believe now? You'd like to think that a person can only take so much but I swear I'm a glutton for punishment. All for what? Nothing. Only to end up back in the same hurt, broken spot again. Don't get me wrong this isn't about a singular person in my life right now. It's about a repetitive theme. However the situation has only exacerbated my depth of heartache in life. I don't know how I'm going to get out of this situation. I think that this particular situation that we all know I'm in, is at the center of this current tail spin but not the center of problem. I'm miserable in it, I'm miserable out of it. I don't know if that is the choice I'm choosing, if I'm not as strong as I used to be, or if all of the compounding factors in my life right now have left me with so few choices.

The Beginning

The Beginning. I'm not quite sure how I got to this place of pitiful desperation for my life to turn around, and I'm sure lots of you are wondering how my wonderful outwardly looking life could possibly have any flaws, but on the inside I'm quickly unraveling. I share this with the twittering world, because there is a list of my followers. Most of whom, I would dearly trust with my life. I don't feel comfortable sharing this with everyone (i.e. facebook/myspace) I share it with those who I know have my best interest at heart. I don't know if this is about a level of sharing how it came to be, or more about a level of accountability I've never had in my life. I've set many goals for myself in my life. Some of which I have acheived far and beyond. I mean those of you who knew me through grad school . . . who ever thought I'd make it out of THAT alive. On the other side of the coin, there is a long list of goals I have set for myself that I have failed miserably at, and quietly swept them under the rug and chalked them up as failures, only to attribute to my floundering self-esteem. There are a few things this summer I want to accomplish and I'm hoping those of you who do read this, will check in on my progress, and hold me accountable when I am slacking. I do realize I may again, fail miserably at some of these things, but I want to put a good hearty effort into them before giving up too easily. A. Take, develop, and display more photography B. Take an R&B dance class (please no laughs, I'm dead serious, The Rise and Fall of Danity Kane has further progressed my desire to learn to dance) C. I'd like to lose 20-25 more pounds by my 25th Birthday D. I'd like to pay some shit off and have at least some money in savings E. Run the Columbus Marathon All minor goals, but things I would like to accomplish none the less. So if those of you who do read this could check in, see how I'm doing, provide motivation on where I'm at with each of these, I would gladly appreciate it :)