Chapter 1

Maybe this isn't journey to the center. Maybe it's journey to the outside. To take down all the walls I've built up for so long. To finally really truly let someone in. This isn't about how this got started, why it happened, or the cause . . . life should be more about moving forward. I need to learn from my mistakes and make better choices in the future. What have I learned? That no matter how good you treat someone, no matter how patient, no matter how kind . . . some people really will just use you. Some people are terrible. Not everyone will give you the benefit of the doubt like I will. Not everyone will allow you to make mistakes and be forgiven. I think I was meant to learn that this is a tough tough world, and if you don't watch your back, you'll end up crying and broken. I've got to figure out how to put the pieces back together and find some semblence of who I was before this all fell apart. I mean I think as I've grown older, I've made good use out of learning from my mistakes. But yet I was never taught the "What do I deserve" lesson. I think this was just that. I put good energy out into this world, I deserve better back. I deserve to be appreciated and valued. And right now I don't feel any tiny bit of that, but I guess I'll get there. For a fleeting moment, I felt like the world was crashing down and then I realized what I was losing. I wasn't losing anything. . . other than a shit ton of expensive baggage. Hopefully I can regain my friends who I lost credibility with due to my poor decision making skills of continuing to allow this charade to continue. And maybe even focus on myself. I think it will take me a long time to trust someone else with mess my head and heart have become. And I definitely need some time to figure stuff out on my own. I think time alone is a good thing. But I don't have to be alone. I have great wonderful friends, who really do truly care about me. And for them tonite, I am thankful. For the Shawn's and the Sally's of the world, they overshadow the Arron's. I've been told I'll be better off. I 100% agree. I'm not the loser in this. This didn't happen to me, it's just part of life. And as this chapter finally closes tonite . . . I'll know that God is working his magic. This was not how life was meant to be for me. I deserve something much better.