"whatever"

A couple things . . . .
a. I'm sick and tired of having to defend my character
b. Why do I try to do this to people who don't care at all about me, my feelings, or my life
c. Why do I continue to allow other people's influences to dictate my mood
d. When do some people become old enough to stop playing games

I'm so so so sick and tired to the point of tears of having to defend the extent of the amount of the ends of the earth I have gone, in order to prove my worthiness. How can someone be so blind? So ignorant? So manipulative to put someone in such a place that they feel on trial. We all know by now this person is clear POISON to me and my mentality. I wanna scream at the top of my lungs. I'm so sick of giving everything I have only to be demeaned, insulted, unappreciated. I have GOT to get myself out of this. It's not even remotely fair to me to continue to belong. I've just got to turn and walk away. My feelings are never going to matter. My opinion is never going to be considered. I am never going to feel protected. I am never going to feel beautiful enough, smart enough, good enough. I'm never going to feel special a day in my life. I'm never going to wake up in the morning and say "geesh I really do have it all." I'm always going to feel empty, as long as I continue to spill myself out, all at the response of "whatever" "you don't deserve xyz." Never will I receive a compliment. Never will I feel secure in knowing that I'm in an adult relationship. None of these things will ever happen. I feel fleeting moments of geez, if the games would just stop, things could be so good. But then again, how could I possibly feel anything positive about situation I've never been affirmed in. Just because there is time spent together doesn't mean their is anything more than manipulation going on.

Dang it. When am I gonna get mine. Why do situations in my life continue to end up like this? Why am I continued to be walked on? Why can't I just be a bitch and only worry about myself? Instead I spend too much time worrying about everyone else, what they want, what makes them happy, that I end up so depleted. Like just once, just once, I want to know that I'm good enough for someone. I want to know that I'm successful at making someone happy. I just want to be enough for someone. Like it's a terrible feeling to not be able to communicate. Guess I'm back to day 1. I can't even put into words how I feel. I mean I don't feel that dark abyss, but it's just the most frustrating feeling in the world. And I only have myself to blame. I got myself back into this situation, knowing the outcome. I not only have myself to blame, but I have the other side blaming me. It's a double edged sword.