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Well . . . day 2. Unraveling has continued. I don't think I've been in such an unhappy place in my life. Its like the sand has been trickling out of the timer and just one day it ran out. It's so hard for me to even write this, that I can't put the words on the place that I've been in the past month. The past two weeks have been a tailspin. The only way I cope is to cry. I haven't cried in a long time, and it's all I've done the past two weeks. This isn't a pity party. Believe me, I'm over that. It's a how the hell do you get out of this hole you've created. How do you not make people hate you when you stand up for yourself? How do you get on a path to have life being something better? It's so hard to continue to treat someone with respect and adoration when in return is greed, jealousy, disrespect. When the writing is on the wall, I don't even know how to stand up for myself. I don't know how to put myself first. I don't know how to say, even I don't deserve this. People who manipulate behoove me. I don't know how someone could be so wreckless with someone elses life. Baz Luhrman says: "Don't be wreckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are wreckless with yours." If only I knew how to do the second part. I think back to myself when I used to be happy. What was it that I had? What did I believe in that I don't believe now? You'd like to think that a person can only take so much but I swear I'm a glutton for punishment. All for what? Nothing. Only to end up back in the same hurt, broken spot again. Don't get me wrong this isn't about a singular person in my life right now. It's about a repetitive theme. However the situation has only exacerbated my depth of heartache in life. I don't know how I'm going to get out of this situation. I think that this particular situation that we all know I'm in, is at the center of this current tail spin but not the center of problem. I'm miserable in it, I'm miserable out of it. I don't know if that is the choice I'm choosing, if I'm not as strong as I used to be, or if all of the compounding factors in my life right now have left me with so few choices.