I never had to worry about being surprised. I never had to worry about when the flower delivery truck pulled up in our parking lot, whether it was for me. I never had to worry about the way I get real awkward when someone does something nice for me. None of that ever crossed my mind. I woke up this morning thinking it was going to be a tough day, then after venturing to work and it being nice out, I thought I would be ok. And now after some time at the gym, I'm just pissed. I mean why don't I deserve to have shit go my way once in a while. You'd think that as much as I extend myself to everyone I come in contact with that it would be returned. And for the most part, the people who truly do care about me do the best things a girl could ask for, listen, keep me busy, and don't judge when I fuck up. However, those who I extend the most too, often don't think it's enough, and ask for more and more and more until I'm completed depleted. I think that maybe that's part of how I got here, just plain out ran myself in the giving department that I don't have anything left to give to myself. And since when? Since when am I so nice that I'll spend my own hard earned money on someone who can't even treat me remotely close to how I deserve to be treated? Since when am I so forgiving to people who constantly fuck up? Seriously, how could I be so dumb. And needless to say there are countless people reading this that are saying "I told you so." But when you're caught up with someone who is a master manipulator, you see the writing on the wall, but make 1,000 excuses. I thought that eventually I would be good enough, needless to say, nothing I could have done, said, bought, looked like . . . would have EVER been good enough. And I feel so embarrassed to have allowed MYSELF to believe it. And even today, I'm still not quite sure how I get back to being the strong, you have to prove to me, confident person I used to be. I realize I'm going to need a lot of time, just to myself. I think I have to close the doors, retreat, and re-evaluate on my own. I don't think I"m over it today, there are still a few glimmers of hurt left in me. I'm sure I have a few more breakdowns left in me, but for now I'm ok. I know I'm on an uphill journey the next couple of weeks, and it's gonna be hard, but I have to do it, because no one is going to do it for me. At least I'm no longer in an abyssless hole like I have felt the past two weeks. I know I"m not alone, there are a few people who I know won't let me fall while I go through this. But I leave you with this . . . as my recent experience was with just this, and I'm about to do the same, I think it's ironic.


"People are tenacious when it comes to the treasure of their imaginary independence. They hoard and hold their sickness with a firm grip. They find their identity and worth in their brokenness and guard it with every ounce of strength they have. No wonder grace has such little attraction. In that sense you have tried to lock the door of your heart from the inside."