Frustrated

Well . . . I'm not having so much as a good night. This whole moving home thing . . . just not what I had planned. I try so hard every day to make the right decisions, to weight the pros and cons, to look objectively at life and make the correct choice. Always to find that I've made the wrong decision. I look around at the people around me and everyone is so happy. And I am lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life with such optimistic attitudes about where their life is headed. Yet when I display this same amount of optimism towards my life, all I end up, is disappointed. It sucks. What am I doing wrong? All I want is to be happy. I don't think that's a lot to ask. Maybe I'm throwing a pity party who knows, but it's so hard to be happy when you have no one to share anything with. I'm not talking about even a male companion, I'm talking about anyone. Mercer county is like putting me in a box without windows. All of my friends who I have grown to know and love and care about are in Columbus. No one is here. And it's not the same having a phone friendship with people. I can't talk to my parents about the same things I talk to my friends about. And my vision of how everything was going to work out is not happening in the least. I think the most frustrating thing is to be alone. And don't get me wrong I love my alone time, and I don't mind being single. It's the aloneness. The feeling of having no one to talk too. The feeling of no one being there when you wanna break down. It's the feeling of when things go wrong and you have no understanding why.

What we all saw coming, but didn't want to happen.

I think it was more like an asteroid heading for my life, we all saw it coming, no one wanted to admit it though. The thought of moving home, back in with my parents at the age of 25, is by far the most credibility devastating thing I could do. However, it was by far the smartest and only option I have. I am in the deepest whole beyond all imagine with debt. It's not even conceivable. It's hard to even understand how I got here, but I look around and I see all the wonderfully nice things I have, and I think about all the memories I've made and I have my answers. However now I'm paying for it, literally. This move back home has more pro's than con's. The move back home has allowed me to recenter myself on work. I really do love counseling. I wouldn't have spent so much time learning, thinking, questioning what it is I believe in, if I didn't love it. I think MST may have jaded me for a while, but if I could find my right niche, I have no doubt in my mind that counseling is what I want to do. I do believe it needs to deal with students/children in some capacity. And hopefully my wonderful internship site remembers how much I loved doing the two programs I did while there and will hopefully hire me for a school-based position. I just hope this happens sooner than later before someone comes to my door and takes me away.

I have also recently became a Mary Kay Beauty Consultant. While there are many product lines out there that I have come to love, Mary Kay is by far the most flexible. While I do not see myself doing this forever, I do see thing launching a fabulous artistic side to me of doing make up for weddings, proms, homecomings, special events. I love helping women look and feel beautiful. When a woman feel's beautiful she exudes a confidence that no dress or clothing item can substitute. If anyone would like to book a party or just get some ideas on make up as far as color I would love to help!

While moving home was a tragic event to my self-esteem, the pain has been eased. While I don't want to speak too much on this subject as I don't want to jinx it, the awkward stage is sometimes fun. However annoying and frustrating at times. I would like to think in this day and age as a 25 year old we no longer play games, but honesty is not something that can be revealed easily. I find it hard to open up to someone I barely know, and I find it harder to get to know someone who doesn't run in the same social circle. It's nice to have my time to do my own thing, however it would be even more nice to have more questions answered.

It has been WONDERFUL to see more of my nephews and niece. I have gotten to see them fight, get ready for bed, help with homework, play soccer, and just play. It has been so nice to see them. I realize more and more through them how dramatically short life is, and how every moment is an opportunity to build a memory with them.

It has also been nice to spend time with the few friends that I do have back home. Taking walks, catching up over lunch (soon). I hope that the friendships from the past will quickly become old hat as I become more of a staple back home.

My post was very sporadic, just updating anyone who reads on what's been going on. Hopefully there will be good news of a new stable job soon! Keep me in your prayers!