28,000 feet

While cruising along up in the air with the benefits of modern technology at my disposal, a little update to preuse.

At 28,000 feet, everything feels a little funny.  However, this time I don't think it's due to the altitude.  I'd like to take some time to talk about hope and expectation versus disappointment and self created plans.

Many of us have chosen to not have expectations, due to the disappointment it brings.  If we don't expect, then we don't have to feel the yucky feelings of this self created plan we made in our head not happening.  Therefore, we should never project, never dream, and never forecast.  Correct?  Welllllll . . . I'm not so good at this.  I'm a dreamer, a planner, a forecaster.  I am the guarder and bearer of my future.

I recently received some news, that I had been forecasted and projecting on.  I should learn to know by now, that whatever the military tells you, you can pretty sure bank on the opposite happening.  Or whatever you don't want to happen, whatever the most inconvenient time is . . . that will be what happens.

I found out last night, that Aron would not be coming home with me Monday.  I knew not to count on it.  But I didn't realize how much I was counting on it until it's not happening.  Something just flashes red in my head about someone else being in control of my future plans.  It would be silly to buy a house near my job, therefore I must continue to drive over an hour to work daily, until he comes home and figures out where everything stands.   I can't project whether we're going to stay together.  How would I know who he is after 8 weeks of being in the military.  I can't project what my life will look like at all.  I feel as though I can't get comfortable in my new job, because when he comes home, I'm going to want to be at home.  So I shouldn't get too used to spending too many long hours at my job.  I now feel like I have nothing to look forward too.  The only thing I now have projected on my schedule is .  . LOTS of long days at work.  And while some happiness is found at work, it's not the sole being to our happiness.

I find my happiness in relationships.  And not just significant other relationships.  My happiness is defined by the relationships I have with friends, family, and significant other.  While Aron brings tremendous happiness to my life, when that is taken away, it also puts great strain on other relationships.  Other people are significantly more depended on, and with that lack of extra happiness your significant other brings gone, everything seems to be a little shrouded in a shade of gray.

I have some events to attend while Aron was gone.  I think some people got the impression that I can't have fun without him.  While this is drastically the opposite from the truth, many people don't know what it's like to be away from the significant other for 8 weeks.  It's weird to hang out with other late 20 year olds, as the "single one."  It brings back flooding memories of high school when I was the dreaded third wheel.  As a 28 year old, success, relatively (on a good day) attractive woman, I never imagined myself having to deal with going to a wedding with no date, buying my own drinks at a bar, or never going on a date for 2 months.  Maybe I'm spoiled.  But I feel completely abandoned.

I think all in all this experience has been good for me.  I'm able to refocus my attention on my job and see how you truly can become successful with long days at work.  But my worry exists when he comes home.  How do you balance?  How do you make up for lost time?  Do you start over?  I feel like I'm embarking on a blind date with someone, but I know what they look like.  The anxiety is taking over and the excitement has completely left the building.  There were days earlier this week, my heart could have exploded with how excited I was to see Aron if only for 10 minutes.  And right now, I can't find that.  I hope that tomorrow morning I get excited, but I"m more worried than anything.  How do I respond to such an entity that is in control of my life, that I don't even really want in it?  How do I not say all the anxiety provoking things that have caused me restless nights over the past two months, just to enjoy the 4 days of time I have with him.

The proudness that I feel for his accomplishments is immense.  But my stomach tells me something bad is on the horizon.  And my stomach isn't usually wrong.

Health Care Disaster

Working in a health care system, you would think that I would be used to the run arounds, insensitivity, and trial and error.  In a world with technology at our disposal, one would think health care would be more streamlined.  I will NOT go into my health issues on this blog.  However I would like to share my experience.

I am never sick.   Never.  If I am, it's tonsillitis, strep throat, something of that nature.  I drastically need to have my tonsils removed.  I had golfball sized looking tonsils covered in white in early July.  Other than that, I'm healthy as a horse.  I've had some persisting health issues that have lingered and worsened since my treatment.  The doctor agrees something is obviously and very seriously wrong after todays appointment.

Issues:  I started a new job on August 22nd.  When does my insurance start? October 1st.  The last day at my old job was August 16th.  Full monthly paid premium.  However insurance terms on last day of employment.  How does that work?  So you mean I paid for a full month of premium for insurance, but if I want coverage, I have to buy a cobra policy that is . . . . hold on to your seats $427.00 for 30 days.  Uhhhhh thanks, but no thanks.  I decided in mid August not to go to the doctor under my old insurance due to them saying I would likely have to have many tests ran that would not able to be scheduled prior to my last insurance date.  So I waited until things got worse and decided I better get to the doctor.

In a world where people who do not work have free health care, or go to appointments and just do not pay bills (an issue that I for the most part don't pay much attention too, knowing full well that I should), I am now responsible for these medical bills non-billable to any insurance.  This is beyond frustrating but at the expense of my health, it's important to take care of these issues.  Mostly so I can feel well again prior to going to Texas.

Issue 2: Insensitivity.  Confidentiality.  After initially meeting with the nurse (who I might add was orienting another new nurse that made this appointment last twice as long when they already knew I was new at my job, and did not ask permission for two nurses to be in the room) and meeting with the doctor, I then met with another nurse to discuss some tests.  She left the door open.  Open.  With direct sight and ear shot to the waiting room.  Another issue arose of things she asked me to take to the hospital.  I had approximately 5 things I needed to take.  I asked her for a bag.  She said "Uhhhhh I don't think we have anything."  She then proceeded to hand me a plastic STAPLES bag that someone had brought their lunch in with to carry these things through the waiting room.  Sigh.

Without getting into much detail, these issues have drastically taken a toll on my energy level, self esteem, and every single aspect of my life.  I am hoping to have this behind me as I started a medication regiment today.   With of course strict directions to NOT drink alcoholic beverages.   Doc used the words "antibuse like reaction . . . you'll be sicker than a dog."   Oh well.  Not the worst thing to give up.  Will be a great start to healthy, clean living life that I'm slowly attempting to get underway.   Anyways, this whole experience today upset me to the point of tears.  How did we get so insensitive in our culture that at a doctors office we can't provide compassion and sensitivity to those who are ailing.  I believe in the direct reflection of events in our life in order to be able to learn and make ourselves better.  I'll be reminded when dealing with ANY issue with any resident at my current job.  One thing I really love about my current place of employment is the amount of OVER-sensitivy they place on confidentiality, compassion, and kind gestures.  I couldn't be more happy to work for a culture that embraces this.

Diary of a Newly Anointed Military Girlfriend

If you think this post is going to be about me blabbing about how sad it is or how much I cry. . . . You're wrong.  However, I can't say some of that won't be sprinkled in between.

When Aron signed up for the National Guard, I thought he would race around the world raising American Flags at national disaster sites.  I didn't know there was chance of active deployment, combat training, and longs leaves.  Aron was actually a lot smarter than I gave him credit for by not informing me of everything they have to do at basic training.  He knew if he told me that I would have stood in front of that airport door and not let him go.  Lucky for him, I found out after he got on the plane.  For example: Week 4, which is next week.  They get fitted for their gas mask.  Then they get filed into a room ten at a time that is pumped full of gas, and have to take off their gas mask, give their reporting statement, and walk out of the room.  . . . . . . Uhhhhhh excuse me??? Did you just say my boyfriend will be taking his what off???? In a room full of huh?  Yah.

I made some promises I haven't been very good at keeping to him before he left.  Like the promise that if he was going to be working hard, pushing his limits, so was I.  Man I really, really, really lack self discipline.  If there is one character flaw I wish I could gain more than anything, it would be self discipline.  I give into myself, obstacles, not meeting goals, entirely too easily.  Aron is busting his tail.  And I have ran, a handful of times.  Since moving back home, I've attempted to refocus myself.  In order for Aron and I to get to spend Sunday off base at his graduation after his parents leave, he has to earn honors status.  Which is a long list of things, that I will not be disappointed or any less proud if he does not accomplish.  One requirement is he has to run his mile and a half in under 9 minutes.  9. Minutes.  That's a 6 minute mile.  So I told him if he was going to work towards that, that I would work towards the girls honor status.  Which is a mile and a half in 12 minutes.  Right now I'm at 15:04.  So I better keep working.  We are not quite halfway through my being able to see him, so I better work a little harder.

However . . . to the main point.  It's so strange to talk to Aron on the phone.  We've never been much of a phone talking relationship type people.  Now, that's all I get.  Approximately once a week.  A fifteen minute phone call.   In my most recent phone call last night, he already sounds like a different person.  He speaks more maturely, sounds so responsible, and is very task oriented.  My fear, that I'm not longer good enough.  I'm not sure when or where this crazy idea crept into my head, but it came storming to the forefront last night.  He is so driven, being held so accountable, and here I am on day two of giving up pop, drinking a diet mt. dew.  What is wrong with me?  I have severely gotten off track with desire and drive to attain goals.  Somewhere along the way, I just stopped caring about achieving pretty much anything other than academic or occupational success.

Aron walking onto his plane.  

Aron and I goofing around after some peanut butter milkshakes two days before he left.  Yes he has on my necklace and he had recently made me laugh.  This is right before he attempted to lick my face.  

When I see Aron for the first time in 8 weeks, many websites, research say that after basic training, he will look different.  Much different.  And I don't want the opportunity to slip through my hands to provide him with the same experience.  I've been attempting to lose weight for almost well . . . all my life.  However, this is the one and only chance I will ever get to make a second first impression.  And I really don't want to mess this up for us.  I know Aron loves me and cares about me with all his heart and he doesn't care about what I look like after 8 weeks.  But I just want him to be as proud of me as I am of him.

Why Hello Again.

After a hiatus due to my computer having a virus and the lack of internet at my apartment, I'm back.  With both a new computer and internet at my housing location (more on that later).  Today will hopefully be a double post.  Some of you could care less . . . Others of you (like Mike Saad) will be tremendously overjoyed that my blogging is back.  Get excited people.  My first post will be a quick update.  My second post, will be attempts at something a little more philosophical that's been going on in my life lately.

Where to begin.  The long and short of it.  Since January (until now) I had been searching for a job relatively close to my field near my hometown.  In attempts to be closer to family, future life goals, and relationships, it was just the right thing to do.  In July I was offered a full time position as the Director of a 30 bed memory care assisted living approximately an hour from my home.  After last years excursion of driving two hours one way, to and from work each day, I figured an hour would be cake.  The decision on whether I will look for a home halfway between work and home (where my family and friends are) is still up in the air.  Mostly this will be a joint decision between me and whoever the lucky fella I decide to spend my life with is.  This job is exciting, carries more responsibility, and room for growth.  It is with a company I feel values it's employees and utilizes (and has) the resources necessary to provide adequate and compassionate care to the elderly.  I am beyond excited to get started.

Therefore I have moved back home.  In with my parents.  Which has it's positives and negatives.  Lets just go with the positives for now.  Paying off bills and saving money.  There are two things in the world that worry me.  Weight and money.  The opportunity to pay off things I have wanted to pay off for sometime is thrilling.  It's like a weight lifted off my shoulders.  Many people do not know the weight or worry of not being able to pay bills and for those of you who don't, just take my word for it.  For those of you who do, you know what I'm talking about.

On July 31st, I dropped Aron off at the airport to head to Lackland Air Force Base in San Antonio, TX for 8 weeks of basic military training.  Our one year anniversary of the day we met was August 6th.  This has been a trying experience thus far, 3 weeks in, but slowly day by day time passes and we get closer and closer to seeing each other.  After these 8 weeks he will be in Keesler, Mississippi for 3 months of AIT training, however the contact and communication restrictions are much less.  More of this process in a later post.  However, it has none the less been a major part of my life the past couple of weeks.

My father continues to deal with multiple surgeries, doctors, and appointments, in order to get himself put back together.  He is making progress, despite his beliefs.  He has been appropriately renamed "Humpty Dumpty."

With all the change that has gone on in my life, one thing is for sure.  I continue to feel like the most blessed and luckiest girl in the whole world.  It's amazing how perspective changes most everything in your life.

Whoa . . . Stop the stress train I want off.

I have been the wonderful beneficiary of new found happiness and grace since that fateful day in July.  My life has been filled with wonderful gifts of smiles, good feelings, and a carefree mind.  

Until last week. 

All those dreaded feelings that I used to feel came FLOODING back.  I was overworked, stressed, short tempered, and over-all an A1 grouch.  I'm questioning whether I had a right.  I blamed it all on the situation with my Dad.  He had an unfortunate accident where he was attempting to fix a tree stand, and fell approximately 20 feet, breaking his leg in 3 places (above and below the knee) and his shoulder.  The most traumatic part for me personally, was when his hunting buddies could not get a hold of my mother, they called me.  I've never received a phone call like that before.  A care flight landed close to where he was in the woods, and brought him to Grant Hospital.  So needless to say, I was the first person in the waiting room.  What a shocking experience.  I've never been in an emergency room waiting room with someone after a critical accident as such.  My sisters have been in critical accidents, but I was too young to be involved.  Not only was the critical part scary, but it was my Dad.  A man who has protected me, taught me what I deserve, challenged me, and shown me what being a good husband and Father is all about.  He's an A+ guy in my book.  My existential crisis began.  

My mind began to race in the waiting room.  What would I do without my Dad?  Who would be there to guard and protect me?  Who would have my back?  Who would push me to become a better person?  Who would give me away at my wedding?  Who would be there to be a Papa for my kids?  I had to put an immediate stop to these racing thoughts.  Over the next two days, I spent my days at Grant Hospital.   To the few friends I told, I complained mostly about the uproot in my schedule.  I have some things that are very important to me (getting into shape, not getting behind at work) and those all went out the window.  I felt a 50 pound weight descend on my chest.  With family in and out of town, a sister staying with me a few nights, no gym time to relax my troubled mind, and evenings spent in a hospital, I resolved that things had to change.  Icing on the cake, would end up being, my mother being taken from Grant to Coldwater Emergency room due to a sciatic nerve flare up.  My existential crisis continued. 

What would I do without my mother?  My mother is the rock, the glue that holds us all together.  Who would I talk to?  Who would I confide in?  Who would be there to listen to me cry over something stupid?  Who would call me 15 times a day just to say "Who bugs you more than me?"  I've thought of the fact of losing my parents before.  I've become resolute in the fact that someone will have to dress me, physically carry me, and puppeteer me as I remain in a numbed daze.  

As work becomes more stressful, and the realization that my parents need me, I feel Gods strong push to be closer to them.  I've known this for a long time.  After a perfect weekend with Aron, like they all usually are, after he left, I was sad.  Not just because he had left, but because everything that I care so much about . . . is so far away.  Work has become troublesome.  While I love my job and love the residents, I can not continue to work for a facility that does not value direct caregivers.  I can't continue to spew false information about care that is just not happening.  My friends are growing older, wiser, married and babying children.  I've questioned recently, what is connecting me to my place here?  

I've realized that the relationships I have with my parents, is that of irreplaceable importance.  I don't know where I will go for the values and morals they supply me, if I ever were to lose them.  I am a person who needs reassurance, encouragement, challenges.  I need someone to tell me things will be ok, that I'm a valuable person, and that I have a good head on my shoulders.  Other than my Mom and Dad, I don't have those kind of people in my life.  But does anyone?  Do we compliment each other any more?  Do we tell people what we appreciate about them?  Do we tell people their importance to us on a daily basis?  I make a personal effort to let people know they're important to me.  I want to be present with the people who are around me.  I want to be. there. in that exact moment with them.  

So were those flooding feelings stress?  Existential crisis?  Or realization?  My work is cut out for me to tie up many loose ends currently happening in my life.  However, I'm not quite sure what the next one is after that.  And maybe that in the end is what a worried about, when all arrows point in one direction.  A direction, I haven't been reassured about.