Until last week.
All those dreaded feelings that I used to feel came FLOODING back. I was overworked, stressed, short tempered, and over-all an A1 grouch. I'm questioning whether I had a right. I blamed it all on the situation with my Dad. He had an unfortunate accident where he was attempting to fix a tree stand, and fell approximately 20 feet, breaking his leg in 3 places (above and below the knee) and his shoulder. The most traumatic part for me personally, was when his hunting buddies could not get a hold of my mother, they called me. I've never received a phone call like that before. A care flight landed close to where he was in the woods, and brought him to Grant Hospital. So needless to say, I was the first person in the waiting room. What a shocking experience. I've never been in an emergency room waiting room with someone after a critical accident as such. My sisters have been in critical accidents, but I was too young to be involved. Not only was the critical part scary, but it was my Dad. A man who has protected me, taught me what I deserve, challenged me, and shown me what being a good husband and Father is all about. He's an A+ guy in my book. My existential crisis began.
My mind began to race in the waiting room. What would I do without my Dad? Who would be there to guard and protect me? Who would have my back? Who would push me to become a better person? Who would give me away at my wedding? Who would be there to be a Papa for my kids? I had to put an immediate stop to these racing thoughts. Over the next two days, I spent my days at Grant Hospital. To the few friends I told, I complained mostly about the uproot in my schedule. I have some things that are very important to me (getting into shape, not getting behind at work) and those all went out the window. I felt a 50 pound weight descend on my chest. With family in and out of town, a sister staying with me a few nights, no gym time to relax my troubled mind, and evenings spent in a hospital, I resolved that things had to change. Icing on the cake, would end up being, my mother being taken from Grant to Coldwater Emergency room due to a sciatic nerve flare up. My existential crisis continued.
What would I do without my mother? My mother is the rock, the glue that holds us all together. Who would I talk to? Who would I confide in? Who would be there to listen to me cry over something stupid? Who would call me 15 times a day just to say "Who bugs you more than me?" I've thought of the fact of losing my parents before. I've become resolute in the fact that someone will have to dress me, physically carry me, and puppeteer me as I remain in a numbed daze.
As work becomes more stressful, and the realization that my parents need me, I feel Gods strong push to be closer to them. I've known this for a long time. After a perfect weekend with Aron, like they all usually are, after he left, I was sad. Not just because he had left, but because everything that I care so much about . . . is so far away. Work has become troublesome. While I love my job and love the residents, I can not continue to work for a facility that does not value direct caregivers. I can't continue to spew false information about care that is just not happening. My friends are growing older, wiser, married and babying children. I've questioned recently, what is connecting me to my place here?
I've realized that the relationships I have with my parents, is that of irreplaceable importance. I don't know where I will go for the values and morals they supply me, if I ever were to lose them. I am a person who needs reassurance, encouragement, challenges. I need someone to tell me things will be ok, that I'm a valuable person, and that I have a good head on my shoulders. Other than my Mom and Dad, I don't have those kind of people in my life. But does anyone? Do we compliment each other any more? Do we tell people what we appreciate about them? Do we tell people their importance to us on a daily basis? I make a personal effort to let people know they're important to me. I want to be present with the people who are around me. I want to be. there. in that exact moment with them.
So were those flooding feelings stress? Existential crisis? Or realization? My work is cut out for me to tie up many loose ends currently happening in my life. However, I'm not quite sure what the next one is after that. And maybe that in the end is what a worried about, when all arrows point in one direction. A direction, I haven't been reassured about.
