2011 in closing

2011.  Wow.  What a year.  (very cliche way to start off an end of the year blog, I know, but true)  If someone had told me January 1st, 2011 that this would be my life a year later, I never would have believed them.  The year started off rocky, and of course got a little rockier.  But sometimes, as many will say, you have to hit bottom before you can climb back up.

The most amazing part of this year happened in July.  On a balcony in Myrtle Beach I discovered how much abounding love God truly has for me.  My life has been forever changed by that single moment.  It has been the basis for my happiness.  Happiness that is not found in someone or something else.  The happiness that I have found is truly from within.  The peace in which I found in all my troubles have disappeared.  It's almost as if there are no more troubles in life that I can't walk through with my head held high.  With happiness and faith in God, I know Plan A is right on track, and he has amazing plans for me.  I have learned so much through my time spent reading the bible.  Phrases, meanings, verses that have continued to renew my faith day in and day out.  My explanation and lack of words to describe the transformation my soul has made since that day does not do the experience justice.  I've never in my life felt more internal happiness in my life.  My life has been filled with laughter, smiles, friendship, grace, and love.  My relationship with God has been renewed, but also with my family and some really amazing friends.

I've also had the opportunity to grow in my career.  As I embark on 2012, I will be looking to take my independent licensure exam.  I will also be looking for new career opportunities, that continue to challenge me both personally and professionally.  My career at Columbus Alzheimer's has blessed me with flexibility, insight, and lots of challenges.  

And even when things were falling into place and I was smiling from the inside, God gave me a nice layer of icing on my cake.  Aron has been a wonderful addition to my life.  He reflects all the happiness, smiles, and laughter that is so strongly at the center of who I am.  Our relationship continues to embody the balance I wish to have in my life of feeling cared about and maintaining my own independence.

This year wouldn't have been complete without Miss Natalie Edwards, leaving Charlotte and moving back to Columbus.  She continues to remain to be the other of me on some days.  She has shared many a drink, heart to heart, and gone through many life's lessons with me.   Also, Miss Kala Andrews who saw a girl in need and invited me on that fateful trip to Myrtle has continued to be a beacon of light in my life.  When I feel myself beginning to lose my light, she quickly reminds me that "Giiirrrrllllll, His plan for you is SO good."  I look forward to our continued friendship.  Though Mr. Shawn Collier has spent his year very busy, and with his wonderful girlfriend India, he continues to be a mainstay in my social calender, for laughs, and a reality check. His expanded social circle also brought light to one Miss Erin Hackett, who continues to get me into trouble, share a drink, and smell good.  While some of my friendships have grown deeper roots, and other new friendships have taken into full bloom, I know God has redeemed any amount of pain I felt in the first months of this year.

I wouldn't trade 2011 for the world.  I say again, there are no words to explain the amount of gratitude I feel to be so amazingly blessed by all of you.  I will end with a bible verse that keeps me grounded, and not taking things for granted.

Luke 8: 18 - Therefore consider carefully how you listen.  Whoever has will be given more; whoever does not have, even what they think they have will be taken from them.

May the Chapter of 2011 forever be closed.  And may my 2012 be half as blessed as I am right this very moment.  I wish all my friends peace, happiness, and gratitude in the coming year :)

Sarah

On my drive home from work tonite, after a LONG day at work, I was thinking about all the things to blog about.  How it all tied together in this growing dichotomy building inside me.  Now time has gotten away from me so this may be rather short and sporadic.

With the holiday season being upon us, I'm trying so hard to stay positive.  Yet I constantly struggle with driving home to an empty apartment.  Due to my crazy busy work schedule and responsibilities outside of work, my beloved little puggle has gone to stay with Grandma and Grandpa for the winter.  It's amazing how much enjoyment my 4 legged little  BooBoo's brought me.  This growing discontentment was recently magnified by what I feel was letting this job opportunity slip through my hands.  It's hard for me to put into words how disappointed I am by this.  Disappointment has not been a feeling I've had the unwonderful pleasure of knowing much in my life.  I have generally tended to believe that my destiny is in my hands and ultimately control the outcome.  I've worked hard for everything I have and in this instance, my experience and ability to convey my aptitude for this position just simply did not overcome that of someone else.   I didn't let too many people know that I had this opportunity for this specific reason.  I don't think people these days know how to console one another.   In this particular instance, I just decided to rededicate myself back to my work, and assure myself that another "perfect" opportunity such as this one, would come along at a much better time.

I don't think people these days know how to console one another.  I cried with my first family member today. I have been at my job now for 2 years and have never cried in front of a family member within the confines of CACC.  Or in the parking lot.  But today I did.  One of my favorite family members, is in the process of losing her husband.  This particular resident and I did not have an exceptional relationship, but we had a good relationship none the less.  But I much enjoyed my relationship with his wife on her visits.  Every time I was with this resident, and his wife came to visit, the instant he saw her face, his face lit up like nothing I had ever seen.  He smiled, would hug her, and would immediately take her hand.   He would look at me, smiling, look back at her, and you just knew that they had had a lifetime of love together.  I hope his wife can remember that in the coming days.  Today my heart broke for her.  She's been so strong, caring for him, for a long time. She is about to lose the physical presence of her best friend.  The only comforting words I had for her were, John 14:1 "Do not let your hearts be troubled.  You believe in God.  Believe also in me.  My Fathers house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.  You know the way to the place where I am going."  I hope this gives her some peace.

On a similarly religious and work affiliated note.  Both my favorite resident and I, the past week had been suffering from bad colds.  (No wonder I got sick)  He has not been in my office, or even out of his room much last week, nor had I had my door open to my office much due to my own germs and tolerance.  Today we were both feeling much better.  After catching up and talking about his baby sister and how I am as well the youngest.  He said to me, "Well I can tell you that your parents did one thing right.  They raised you up in the way of the Lord.  And let me tell you, I have been watching you, and they have done a fine job."  My heart was filled with gladness.  Just the night before in the book I am currently reading, I was fixated on this passage:

"What will people remember us for?  Are other people's lives better because we lived?  Did we make a difference?  Did we use to the fullest the gifts and abilities God gave us?  Did we give our best effort and did we do it for the right reasons?
God's definition of success is really one of significance - the significant difference our lives can make in the lives of others.  The significant doesn't show up in win-loss records, long resumes, or the trophies gathering dust on our mantels.  It's found in the hearts and lives of those we've come across who are in some way better because of the way we lived."

As I fell asleep last night, I wondered.  How have I been living my life?  Have I been doing it for the right reasons?  Have I been using my gifts and abilities God gave me to the fullest?  Heck . . . . what even ARE the gifts and abilities God gave me?  Have I impacted anyone's life?   Has anyone been better because I have lived?   It truly made me question my motives in my life.  I've recently been focused on Peter 3:4 recently.  I've been focusing on having a "quiet and gentle spirit."  God likens it to the spirit of Sarah, Abraham's wife.  At work today, I focused on being very productive catching up on my paperwork, so that in the future, when given the opportunity, I can take the time to truly be use my abilities to the fullest.  I think my residents comment to me, was God's encouragement that I have, but there are avenues where I can be better.

Though I've been a little discouraged lately, I'm hoping it's likely due to the fact I've been cold/flu sick.  I'm hoping with my increasing health my mood improves as well.  This holiday season is filled with such gladness, I don't want to miss out on the opportunity to spend some incredible moments with people I truly care about both old and new.

Change

There are times in my life when I get the overwhelming feeling that I'm on the verge of big change.  I always likened it to if I was standing on the edge of a big cliff.  The open, risky feeling you feel just by standing there, and having such confidence in knowing that if you jumped, you just know you'd fly.  I remember this same feeling the summer of 2009.  It's this sense of knowing that what I have right now, won't ever be again.  While, I know that's true of every day life, it's a larger sense of knowing that the comfortable place my life is at, isn't going to be so comfortable in the future.  That things are about to change in a big way.   I have never liked change, and I think this "sense" or "feeling" is God's way of preparing me.  Saying . . . "Get ready, girl."

All of the changes that have happened in my life have been good.  I've never had a single big change that I've regretted, or I haven't come out the other side a better person.  I know that this change will bring the same.  I was on the treadmill today putting in a couple miles and I almost started crying.  I felt someone saying to me that my family needs me.   Ms. Brady told me a while ago about these messages she hears from God, and I wasn't completely sold on it.  I wasn't sure what this voice was, or how I would know it was Him.  But I heard it again.  I remember this summer when I was at home for two months.  It was the most peaceful time in my life.  I was able to take walks with my sisters, have talks with my Mom, and morning coffee with my Dad. I was able to see my nephews soccer games, help my niece remove a years worth of stickers off her art desk, and be around for my newborn little Godson.

While I don't need to get ahead of myself, I'm being faced with the potential of being at home again.  While now more stable and on my feet again, I'm not sure if that's what I want.  But I know I would be missing out.  I know the opportunity that lays before me, if granted to me, is not one I could sensibly pass up.  Do I choose sensibility or do I choose comfortability?   My life here in Columbus is "comfortable."  I go to my job, I go to the gym, I have friends I can meet for dinner or Happy hour.  I have girlfriends and guy friends who are a regular part of my sanity.  I have a wonderful apartment.   BUT . . . . (There is always a BUT when talking about Columbus.  The but, when talking about home is always much smaller).

I never dread driving home.  I always dread the drive back to Columbus.  Someone said to be . . "Well that's because you have to go to work."  After thinking about it, I don't think that's it.   I love the structure the work week brings.  I love my job.  I love my residents.  I love feeling like I've contributed to society.  So why do I dread the drive back to Columbus?  I think it's because those that hold my heart together, are just so far away.

I would hope that if I ever decided to move back home that the people have brought me such great revelation would stay connected with me, to make sure that I don't lose sight of what's important in life.  I don't think God would have presented me with this opportunity, or lined things up so beautifully if he didn't want this for me.  I guess I will just have to wait to find out.  Until then, I will stand with my toes curled over the edge of that big cliff, waiting to see if this is the next big change.

Reflect

I haven't had a clear head lately, nor clarity to blog.  Until I got this umprompted text message from a friend tonite:

"I just want you to know, that it just occurred to me that you're one of the strongest people I know.  I just thought you should know that."

First of all . . . . I have amazing friends.

Second of all . . . It's amazing what an array of views people can have of you.  While one person views you as the strongest person they know, someone else may view you as weak and vulnerable.  And how interesting would it be if that person who viewed you as weak and vulnerable, knew that other people looked to you for a source of strength.  However, it doesn't necessarily work the other way.

I don't think people who view you as strong, would feel as though your armor was tainted if they knew you had weak moments.   I think the people who view you as strong, feel as though you have admirable strength because of your weakest moments.  I don't think I could adequately empathize with others if I wasn't cognizant of the situations I have been through.  If I didn't remember daily, that I personally have overcome whatever obstacle in my place, I wouldn't be able to be that person that some rely on.

I would like to say I've had a lot of help along the way.  I have lots of great friends and a lot of great family.  And they have absolutely been there for me along the way.  But anyone who knows me, knows I'm gonna do things my way.  I've had to take a step back many times and decide what was best for me.  I've recently learned a valuable lesson about advice.  That sometimes other people's advice just doesn't fit within the scope of who I am as a person.  Some people have given me some very callous and rude advice, that just isn't me.  And fortunately for others people in my life, it's easier to be yourself, than it is to be something your not.  So I believe part of being strong is being a good problem solver.  I feel as though when handed a situation that I'm not able to figure out, I feel as though I'm a pretty smart girl and I do my best to work through it with the values and morals that I believe are at the core of who I am.

Being the strongest person someone knows, is definitely the ultimate compliment, I feel.  I think "strong" is a relative term.  Just because I can withstand some pretty crappy situations, I don't think is what makes a person "strong."  I think a lot of it is about remaining true to who I am.  That I'm abundantly loyal.  That I'm optimistic to a fault.  That I never, ever . . . . . ever lose hope.  Being strong isn't about coming out the other side unscathed.  Being strong to me is taking every situation in a stride of grace.  I haven't always been so graceful in strife.  I'd like to think I've come a long way in the past couple of months.  I'm enjoying the ever improving person I'm becoming.  And I wouldn't be that person if it weren't for a lot of change (which we know I didn't like).

In Bible Study I've been learning some tried and true principles.  One being . . . that we all fall short.  That even I, when performing perfectly, fall short.  And even though I am not perfect, I'm perfect to God.  And I don't have to do anything to earn his love.  And other people reflect that love, and the love I have for myself. . . . . . Which is why I got this wonderful text.  :)

I don't have time for a full post tonite - hopefully this weekend.  But I heard something tonite I had to share.

"I don't pray that God puts the right person in my path.   I pray that he makes me ready for them when I meet them."



Hmmmmm . . . . . . . learning opportunity.

All you need is Love

I work at an Alzheimers facility.  A 100 bed, skilled, long term care Alzheimers facility.  On any given day we have between 95-100 residents with some form or diagnosis of dementia.  Most of these people, when asked, couldn't tell you their first name.  90% of them, can't tell you the right year . . . . or even guess and get remotely close.  They frequently look at spouses, children and grandchildren with a look of bewilderment and ask the question loved ones hate to hear the most . . . "Who are you?"  It's painful.  It breaks my heart when a family member leaves our building in tears.  Twenty minutes just spent with a loved one should be happy.  But with our residents, sometimes, it just hurts.

I've been there for almost two years now.  And in a place filled with so much pain, I've found hope.  I've found hope in the most unusual places.  And after milling over numbers, case studies, and every day situations with residents, I've come to one conclusion, and one conclusion only.  That at the center of who we are, we as humans want to be loved and feel affection.

We have a several "couples" in our facility.  They did not enter the facility this way.  Some of them, their admit dates are years apart, some only months.  These "couples", even though extremely confused, still manage to gravitate back towards one another every morning.  Frequently searching the crowd for that familiar face, or even just bumping into them and feeling that old comfortable familiar feeling.  Now there are also individuals who tend to keep their options open and roam from woman to woman or from man to man.  But at the end of the day these people are searching for one thing . . . love . . . . and affection.

Alzheimers is an interesting disease.  Some people forget specifics, like names, places, how to perform in a given learned trade.  Other people forget things that come natural to us, involuntary responses, such as swallowing, walking, and talking.  And all of these happen in no particular order.  There is a gentleman that is a resident currently, that is no longer able to walk or talk, but I'm positive if I sat him in front of a broken car in the parking lot, he'd still be able to fix it.  This disease is strange.  It's strange in the way that is robs people of their past.  It robs people of knowing whats happening to them.  And most interestingly, it robs people of all social cueing and learned responses to protect ourselves.

What I find so particularly interesting is one lady.  This woman walks hand in hand with the same gentleman every day.  They kiss, they hug, they go for walks, they even get a little frisky out in public areas at times.   I know this womans daughter quite well.  She frequently tells me how "this would never have been my mom."  She tells me how her mother in her past was guarded, felt frequently betrayed, and never trusted men.   How her mom was an alcoholic, educational type, who loved book clubs.  She was a loner.  She was divorced.  And spent a lot of her time drinking alone.  Her daughter describes her almost as cynical.  And I can't help but assume that this woman was very knowledgeable in defense mechanisms.

I mean, we all do it.  We all get hurt, and we put up walls.  We get into situations where we say "Nope . . . . not again.  Not this time."  And likely sabotage ourselves before we even start.  Our defenses kick in and we retract.  Retreat.  To where we know is safe.  This woman, was the quintessential example of being guarded.  And upon progression of this disease . . . . all those walls were gone.  And at the core of who she was . . . . she still wanted to be loved.

But what continues to interest me even more, is that this transcends just male-female relationships.  There is a resident who screams to be in what seems to be some kind of pain 90% of the day.  She is on a significant amount of synthetic morphine, and though she could not verbalize whether she was or was not in pain, she is positively not in any pain.  The only 10% of the day when she is not screaming . . . . is when someone holds her hand.  When someone, a volunteer, a nurse, a family member, it doesn't matter who, talks to her one on one, holds her hand, she appears calm, relaxed, and at ease.  Why is it when someone holds her hands, gives her attention is she suddenly reassured?  She can't walk, she can't talk, it's likely she doesn't even comprehend what's going on around her, but it's as if she can sense or feel the empathy pouring out of her caregivers.

I've come to the conclusion that that's all we all really want is life.  Is to love and be loved in return.  What greater feeling is there to love someone freely.  And think of all the muddy mess that gets in the way every day on your journey there.  And even on your journey there with one person . . . there are a million other relationships to navigate this with as well.  It's not just with your significant other.  But parents, best friends, siblings.  I think our "learned experience" is valuable.  Obviously Pavlov had something going for him.  But when is social learnedness harmful?  When do our experience begin to turn against us?  When is it that we lose sight of what's in front of us because of our worry of what happened behind us?

I continue to ask myself these questions every day in effort to not carry the past around.  I think of all these little sayings in order to keep me present.  But most of the time . . . . they just remind me of the past.  So how do you be authentically present with someone . . . . utilize what good you've learned . . . . and forget the bad? Obviously my residents with Alzheimers have forgotten both the good and the bad and are happy.  Maybe I should take the lesson from them.  Take what is in front of you.  Take that comfortable feeling you get in your heart.  And let each day be a new day.  And never let an old wall get in your way.

Grace

A friend recently told me: 


John 10:27 "My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me." :) All you have to be is HIS and you can be sure that He is talking to you... You can recognize His voice easily because unlike the enemy who is always LOUD, OBNOXIOUS, and trying to drag you down... the voice of Jesus is gentle, loving, encouraging, and kind.


I have been worried that I've been missing God's signs.  I think HE is a funny man.  Now that I am paying more attention to what He speaks to me. . . . I see and hear him in my life more than ever now.  He has given me some wonderful signs recently.  When I have let things go and put them in His hands, He has made things in my life infinitely better.  If I could continue to not worry and leave all things up to Him, I know the plan He has for me will be amazing.  


Sometimes I just get in my own way.  I think lots of people do.  Sometimes we just have to get out of our own way.   I know with me being such a controlling person when it comes to everything in my life, sometimes I just make the situation worse.  Time, patience, and maturity can go a long way.  


I started a new chapter of my life this weekend.  The chapter of transition is closed.  The chapter of new beginnings is starting.  I know God is going to make this chapter of my life the best ever.  There are amazing things coming for me and for all those in my life.  My family, my friends, and even those who are not my friend. . . . good things are about to happen.  I've never been more optimistic before in my life.  I have a wonderful new apartment.  I am surrounded by wonderful friends.  And I have a wonderful loving family.  I can't wait for what's ahead for me.  

Square 1

I have wondered if my backward slide was due to my life being on hold.  Quite frankly, I feel it has nothing to do with it.

I'm back to square 1.

Back to the place where it hurts like hell.  Back to the place where I wake up in the morning, and I instantly start crying, because this is not just a dream.  Back to the place where I can't eat, can't walk, can't think.

I'm unsure if anyone has ever had to go through exactly what I've been through.  Breaking up with someone you see every single day.  Now granted, I know there are people out there who have broken up with people they work with.  But I don't think anyone has ever broke up with JJ.  He certainly is one of a kind.

To have someone look at you, and see right through you.  To pretend like you're not even standing in front of them.  To say "Hi" and get no response.  It's like someone has sliced me in half.

I miss him more than ever this past week.  I miss going places in his truck.  I miss coming home and him telling me "Hey Babe."  I miss getting random texts.  I miss getting a hug in the kitchen.  I miss everything about him.

I know I caused a lot of fights.  I'm OCD, childish, and selfish at times.  None of which lend to being very easy to deal with.  I realize that 90% of everything I was mad at him for.  I should have been mad at myself for.  I was always mad because he never made any time for us.  Well I'm unsure where I was making time for us in between, work, bringing my work bag home, the gym, obsessing over a diet, or worrying about what my friends were out doing.  I would get mad because he wouldn't save his money/spend it on us.  I never had to spend money on us, because I never had any to spend.  It's ridiculous for me to be upset at him for this.  I would be hurt because he never said nice things to me.  When in reality he said nice things to me all the time, I just don't know how to take a compliment, or hear them.  And when was I ever telling him nice things?

And this is the problem.  All of what I realized, was realized too late.  Realizing that I care about someone so much, who won't give me the time of day.  I called and left a voicemail.  With no return call.  I don't suppose he's going to call either.   If he wanted to talk to me, he walks by me every day, knows where my office is at and knows my phone number.

I just wish he would miss me.  I wish he would remember the good times.  I wish he would see ME.  ME standing in front of him.  And not a stranger.  Not a monster.  I wish he would see the kind person who truly cares about him.  Who has fought many times to stay in his life.  Who truly wants to be beside him for the rest of it.  I wish he would remember how much that summer he wanted to be with me.  I wish he would remember the good things.  And call me back.

On Hold

A lot continues to change for me.  My mind remains methaphorical mush.  While I try to navigate the world of what is real, what is imagined, and what is experienced by others.  I find myself drifting off in thought because my small, tiny, little brain, cannot wrap itself around the concepts with which it's trying to grasp.  Lately . . . I feel as though my life is on hold.   On hold for this : 

What is it you say?  It's an obvious mud hole.  It's nothing fantastic.  I can't even tell you that the door facing forward will be mine.  Because it won't.  It will be the second door on the side.  To a tiny one bedroom, upstairs apartment.  But ya know what.  It will be mine.  

This is one conclusion I've come to lately.   That this life.  This life I have right here, right now, is mine.  And I'm not going to let anyone step their toes or get their grubby little paws on my life right now.  I don't want to share my time, my strength, or my energy on . . . . anyone.  I'm going to do things my way, on my terms.  I will share as much or as little of myself as I feel/see fit. 

I went on a date.  Well . . . . I think it was a date.   I'm not real sure.  And I was left with a bitter taste in my mouth.  There is SO much more to myself, or any person, than you can convey in a 20 minute car ride to a movie.  Why do other adults not understand this?  People.  You.  Me.  Everyone.  Has such depth with which to share.  And do we ever truly experience each other's depth.  I don't feel as though we do.  And the few people we do begin to reach some depth of knowing with, are often the ones who hurt us.  

I think this little apartment will be another step of moving on.  This will be my first solo apartment since I've had my professional job.  It will be where I come home from work.  It will be a fresh start.  A place for me to figure things out on my own.  As my mind de-mushifies itself, and starts to figure things out.  This will be where I put the pieces back together.  And I can't say that enough.  After the past two months . . . . this . . . is where I will start to put the pieces back together.   I have to.

Grace

Times of change.

I was recently directed to www.therulesofagentleman.com
And this is what I found:

"Your outlook on life defines how you react to those life changing moments."
Please note: Those reactions can define your life

Along with lots of other useful tips for not only those aspiring to be a gentleman, but some of which for those wanting to be well respected, revered, and of good moral character.

I spent a long time thinking about this. We hear a lot about how, it's not about the moments that change your life, but about how you react to them that makes you a better person. But this particular quote pre-empts the situation. It is in fact true, that our outlook on life has already pre-determined how we will react in those tough, grueling situations. Optimist vs. Pessimist - People are inherently good vs. People are inherently bad - Internal vs External locus of control.

In my recent particular situation, I wallowed. Even though I have always felt that I am an optimist, believe that people are inherently good, and have an internal locus of control. I control my destiny. Life doesn't happen TO me, but I effect the life that I make. In all my time or sorrow, pity, and emptiness I don't ever recall saying "Why is this happening to me?" I do remember asking: "What lesson is God trying to teach me?" I was continuially trying to pull the bruised and battered heart out, wipe off the dust, and breathe some semblence of life back into it.

And to be honest, I'm not sure I have even figured out what lesson it was/is that God is trying to teach me. He may be trying to teach me to not be so trusting. To not be so open. To not be so caring. Or maybe he's trying to teach me the opposite. Maybe he is trying to teach me that I am a good person, and that someone out there will appreciate me for my flaws. That I too am ALLOWED to make mistakes and still be accepted. What a concept? That you can be accepted for your flaws, and misgivings. I'm not sure I've ever learned this concept. All my life I have been drug around by other peoples feelings, likes/dislikes, desires/whims. I've morphed myself so many times to that of someone else especially significant other relationships and friends that I have frequently lost sight of who I am as a person. On a topical layer, I have always continued to try to match what the other person was indicating that they wanted/needed in order to increase the amount of acceptance I felt. Little did I know, that was only decreasing the amount of acceptance, because I would always know at the core of my being, I was not being my authentic self.

So who is my authentic self? I am someone who wears my heart on my sleeve. I am someone who has no filter when it comes to love. I am someone who bears my soul in the most open of ways. I don't know how to be guarded. I don't know how to protect myself. I don't know how to stand my ground. I don't know how to stand up for who I am and say "I am a good person. And good people make mistakes sometimes. But my mistakes do not disqualify me from feeling loved."

I'm not a resentful person. Even today, I pray that peace finds those who I feel have rejected me. I know the unrest they must feel. I don't feel I will ever get tired of this quote:

"People are tenacious when it comes to the treasure of their imaginary independence. They hoard and hold their sickness with a firm grip. They find their identity and worth in their brokenness and guard it with every ounce of strength they have. No wonder grace has such little attraction. In that sense you have tried to lock the door of your heart from the inside."

Grace HAS lost such an attraction in today's society. SO many people have the door to their heart locked from the inside so that no one can get in. People become so caught up in defending their pain. But have you ever just sat and felt true pain? And just sat in that feeling. What makes it better? For every Good Friday comes an Easter Sunday. I don't only believe that pain is associated with death. I feel that for every time of mourning comes a new day. "For God made the earth round so we could never see too far down the road." Isak Dineson - Grace does not need to lose such attraction in today's society. Grace is motivation. Grace is in believing that there is a new tomorrow. Grace is in the next smile that crosses your path. Grace is in laughter. Grace is in the simplest of pleasures. And grace is what brought me peace. My horoscope stated today that it was time to start letting go. And my friends . . . . Grace is certainly in letting go.

Hodge Podge

You need to begin a process of letting go now as the Moon moves through your 12th House of Endings. Your work may not flow as easily as you wish and there's no easy way to force yourself through the current creative block. Don't get hung up about something on the job that isn't moving ahead; instead, watch the signs and see what clues you can derive. Once you figure out the message, you will be permitted to proceed to the next step.


Just wanted to recount how true my igoogle horoscope on a regular basis is.

My goal is to revamp this blog. It's new name will be Life, Love and the lack thereof.

Time and time again we need a little break
From the give and take
We make the same mistakes
I know I've never been the one to let my feelings show
And I guess in that regard I'm really not alone
We could all use a push and when it comes to shove
We sing of life and love and a lack thereof
But with a little bit of luck we could never get enough of a good thing - Uncle Kracker


I promise to update soon. About the journey through moving on . . . . moving forward . . . . and finding peace.

I think at some subconscious level holding on to a glimmer of hope eases pain.

What I will learn/ Never do again.

When someone uses the words “I love you.” I will not take it as a formality. Those are heartfelt words, that someone would not use, if they did not mean them. Just like the thought I put into saying, typing those same words . . . so did the other person. No one has to use those words. But when they say them, they mean it. A small inconsideration does not incriminate a person against these words. Life happens. Love is a feeling. An action. An overall generalization you get when looking at the person you feel a heart to heart connection with. Small daily life events are not ammunition against a person to change the way a person feels. Those words truly are meant, and just because someone did not put the seat down does not mean that person does not love you.

Everyone. Absolutely EVERYONE in the world has emotions. Though some people bottle them up and though some people don’t show them, everyone’s wheels turn. Everyone thinks about their life in a complex, processed way. Everyone is fighting their own demons. And though they may not wear them on their sleeve, everyone is thinking . . . feeling . . . building inside. This is not cause to set your own feelings up on center stage. In relationships both individuals feelings need to be side by side, heard and valued. A person with ever present emotions is not suffering any more or any less than a person who keeps them inside. A person who has outward expressive emotions is not in any more pain than a person who is crying on the inside. Sensitivity is learned. It is learned from prior experiences. At some point, when getting into an adult relationship, those sensitivities need to be wiped clean and started fresh with that particular individual. Old hurts, those wounds, need to be closed and healed before entering into a new relationship. Old wounds are the basis for which salt is rubbed creating sensitivity.

A relationship, with anyone, significant other, dog, family member should never be taken for granted. At the most complex or simplest level. It takes work, time, sweat, tears to have a successful relationship with someone. No one is obligated to do that. No one owes you anything. And a person who puts that same work, time, sweat and tears into a relationship must really want to be there to do that. Taking someone for granted is taking advantage of that person, their life story, their journey. It’s saying that who they have become is not worth upkeep. Everyone’s journey is special. Everyone’s journey is innately hard. Everyone has had their struggles. And everyone who walks this earth is deserving of someone who appreciates them as a whole.

I will, in all situations, take three steps back . . . . and breathe. I get entirely (is an understatement) caught up in the present. As a counselor you are taught to be in the here and now. This moment, this one right here. That really only works . . . in a therapeutic sense. Yes, lets not take life’s small pleasures for granted and be gracious. But being in this second, current second, in a relationship, so many times is not the best idea. When in times of arguing, disagreement, frustration, taking a step or two or three back from the situation has never caused more damage than quick gut reacting. Gut reacting is instinct. It’s what is built in us as humans to fight or flight. I am not dealing with another cave man over my families dinner. I’m dealing with someone I care about. I’m dealing with someone who has done good things for me and I have done good things for them. I’m always so ready to fight. Always so ready to jump to the defensive. When I get wrapped up in an argument, I need to understand . . . Am I really being attacked? What is it that I’m trying to prove? Why am I feeling such a urge to jump, lunge, lash at that person. It’s all my own teaching. There is no need for jumping, lunging and lashing. Remaining calm is simply my only thought to fix this for now. Having a longer fuse. Which leads to:

I will not burden my stress on others. Life should be simple. Life doesn’t need to get complicated. Getting caught up in life stress i.e. dieting, exercise, groceries, bills, dividing time will not be the burden of my partner. One can eat healthy, exercise and maintain a household . . . without becoming a monster. These highway times will pass and some day we will be on country roads. This is a temporary state. And while I may get caught up in all these things, they should not hold me back from simply enjoying the best things that are around me in life.

I will keep my relationship as a devotion of love. Love is one of the deepest feelings someone can feel for another. This is one of the only feelings I can think of that creates such extreme highs and disparaging lows. The gut wrench that comes out of broken love is tormentuous. But do we ever spend time living, breathing, relishing in those moments of extreme love. That moment when you look at the person you love and smile, just because they feel something unimagineable for you. Do we hold on to those feelings? Or do we stick them in the back of our file bank as a simple feeling? I will make time for feeling joy from love.

I will not judge the person I’m with. I will trust them. I will know that they’re words, knowledge, expertise comes from a place of experience just like mine. I need to trust that the person I am with will provide me with the most useful information they have at the time. I will never think that my brain or heart is on a continuum higher or lower than theirs. That judgment is not meant for me. And the means by which I judge others, I will someday be held to. That my standards for myself, do not have to be the standards for others. That my goals for myself do not have to be the goals for my partner. And if their goals are different, does not mean they are lesser than mine.

I want someone who loves me like crazy. I want someone who will do anything for me. And more importantly than both of those. . . I will know and acknowledge it when it comes to me. For this is the root of my problem. Having someone who will do anything for me and loving me like crazy. Being caught up in my own life, stress, and judgment blinded me to taking advantage of someone who possessed the quality I desired in a partner more than ever. I had someone who was willing to face their darkest fear on a regular basis just to please me. Just for me to be too complacent to notice. And I’ll never get so comfortable again, that I don’t see what is right in front of me. The only hope I have is to pray that God has given me the gift of knowledge of my mistake and grants that person the gift of forgiveness. So that I may show them too, what a truly special person they are.

I think Chandler had it right.

Chandler: You don't have to stop having fun just because I'm here. Kathy didn't cheat on all of you. (To Joey) Well, except you. (They hug and Chandler goes into the bathroom with the chick and the duck following him.) Monica: Hey, Joey, I don't think you should leave Chandler alone. I mean it's only been two days since he broke up with Kathy. Maybe you can go fishing next week? Joey: Look, there's nothing I can do for him right now, he's still in his sweat pants, that's still Phase One. Y'know? I'll be back for Phase Two, I would never miss Phase Two. Monica: What's Phase Two? Joey: Gettin' drunk and going to a strip club. Rachel: How does going to a strip club help him get better? Ross: Because there are naked ladies there. Joey: Which helps him get to Phase Three, picturing yourself with other women. This weekend. . . . today . . . probably tomorrow . . . I feel like I'm in this episode. I'm definitely Chandler. I spent all weekend in my sweats. Nothing but wallowing in self pity. I remember the last time my long term relationship ended. I spent three months. THREE MONTHS . . . laying in my bed, at home, crying. I unfortunately have grown up since then, and 5 years later I have responsibilities. I can't lay in my bed all day. I can't sit around and cry for the rest of my life. Do I want everything to go back to normal, back to the way it was but with all the puzzle pieces in the right place. . . of course I do. But I don't think that's going to be happening. So I'm left with a decision. I can sit around in Phase One for another week . . . or I can move on to Phase Two. So who's getting drunk and going to the strip club with me? I was also pondering this as I drove back this morning. What is it about getting drunk after a break up that instantly makes everything better. Is it the numbness of alcohol. Is it the fact that it preoccupies your mind that you don't have to pay attention to what you're really thinking about. Or is it the social aspect of reaching out to old/new friends. Whatever it is. . . . this has always been my method of coping during these times. Albeit not healthy, or even remotely productive. I have an album called "The Rebound." A compilation of pictures after my last break up (a short lived, though emotionally draining relationship). Is that what is going to happen this time? Where I lose 50 lbs because I drink and smoke myself into an emotionally numbing coma. Who knows. Right now, I know my only option is to pretend like this situation doesn't exist. To pretend like I'm not living in this nightmare right now. To take a mental break from the exhaustion of heartfelt miserable-ness. And when I come up for air . . . I'll figure out what to do next.

Push and Pull

I thought long and hard December 2009 of this exact feeling. I remember contemplating that feeling of being utterly and simply alone. I remember thinking . . . if I do this . . . you open yourself up to that feeling. That possibility is there. My response at the time was . . . that won't happen.

Well . . . I was wrong. I've never felt more alone/heartbreak in my entire life. Why is it that I never understand the situation until I'm outside of it. I get so caught up in this devastating emotion inside me. It's always been uncontrollable to me. It literally feels not like someone has ripped my heart from my chest . . . but as though it was never there to begin with. It just feels like this huge empty hole inside of me. It feels like this dark, empty well. I can't control it. I have found no successful recourse in filling that hole, void, emptiness when it creeps along. I don't ALWAYS feel that way. Only at certain times, or in certain situations. But when it is imminent, there is no turning back.

It's not anyone else's responsibility to fill it either. However, there are certain things that a person can do to assist me in not making it last for 12 hours. A hug, asking me if I'm ok, letting me know that they care. SIMPLE things. Simple things will aid me in reeling back. I really don't think it's a lot to ask. Anyone who really did care/love me, would not want me to feel this way. But what if they have no comparison. What if they have nothing to compare this feeling too. Or . . . What if they have something they CAN compare this feeling too and they have personally over come. Which is worse. The person who has no comparison, or the person who does have a comparison and thinks I'm being a baby.

I come from a very loving family. Yes, my sisters and I have our differences, but when it comes to the relationship I have with my Mom and Dad . . . they have set a high standard for others to live up too regarding showing love/affection or support/care. However, I don't feel as though because I have been raised with loving parents, that my expectations need to be lowered. I deserve to have those same expectations met in a significant other.

So I bring myself back to that feeling. That feeling that I consciously thought about before deciding to get into what I knew would be a long-term relationship. Before entering this relationship I thought to myself, if this ends badly, you're going to be broken hearted. I decided to take the risk, thinking that there was no way that I would end up broken hearted. I thought either A. I would be the one breaking the others heart or B. We would whisk off into the sunset. The latter being my primary notion. . . . . Well I don't think I would be writing this blog, had the latter happened.

Love is not a game to me. Love is about this open tunnel of communication and feeling from one heart and mind to another. I imagine it to be like an interstate tunnel of lots of traffic going back and forth. However, in this particular case, it was as though lots of people were going into the tunnel . . . but nothing was coming out of it. I feel as though in love there should be no filter. There should be exception, rule, or regulation on what is acceptable/not acceptable to share. When one person begins holding back, that is when love is lost. This is when games begin to happen. As though, why do I have to pretend not to care, when I do . . . Why do I have to not tell you how much I care about you, in order to wait for you to tell me. It's all completely aggravating to me.

It's the push and pull. The push for vying for what I want. The pull in compromising in areas that I feel are valid. I don't think we ever got to this point. We tried. But it was usually one person pushing and one person pulling at a time. I feel as though in order to solve problems, there needs to be both happening, on both parties, for an argument to be resolved.

So what do I do? I want to pull. Now that I'm without . . . I want to pull more than ever. I feel as though I would compromise on absolutely anything. Provide any concession. But when in the moment, when in the relationship, I can't feel these willingness to concede. My bottom line is that I just want to be cared about. I just want someone to worry about my feelings, provide consideration for them, and empathize. And I'll give any concession. Any.

I don't know how I got to this place. To be this monster. To be a person that cannot control my anger. I don't know how I got a point where I can scream as loud as I can and still not be heard. I'm not even sure where this boiling rage is coming from. I've been told the last year has been a mistake. An utter and complete misgiving that never should have happened. That I've ruined another's life.

Excuse me? Come again? I'm not sure how all that is even possible. I've done nothing but been completely giving of my time. Of my mental capacity. Of my heart. I've been put through tortured hell and back. Only to be told "No man will ever be able to put up with you." "I have no sympathy for you when you cry." "I hate you." I get walked all over. Day in and day out. I am so busy in my every day life, and I never get the first ounce of assistance. I'm expected to do everything and at the end of the day put on a bright shining smiling face and be happy about it. I'm told I've "changed in appearance" We all know what that stands for. YOU GOT FAT!!! I would never say those words to someone. I would never make someone feel so insignificant. I would never make anyone feel so worthless. What might be good for me . . . or a healthy dose of normalcy . . . isn't even allowed. I'm left behind in the dust. I'm not even good enough to be taken out. The only thing I'm allowed to do is cry. Because it doesn't hurt anyone else. No one even cares. The amount of animosity could fill up an ocean.

I know I'm not making sense, but right now, nothing does. I've given up everything. My friends, my life long goals, my location. All for what? Nothing! I get nothing in return. I get made fun of, my feelings don't matter, and I'm only kept around for financial reasons. I know that's what it is.

Do you know how it feels to be up against the most selfish person in the world. Someone who only thinks of themself. Of someone who always gets what they want. Of someone who nothing stops them, no matter what from doing what they want. From someone who looks at someone with heartfelt tears in their eyes and says "Why are you crying?"

I think I once wrote a blog similiar to this. And this being the second time I've felt this way. It hurts worse. I'm so dumb to think someone could love me. I'm so dumb to think someone would follow through on what they say. I remember when I used to get flowers left at my door unexpectedly. I remember I would get a note taped to my door because someone was thinking of me. And now . . . I just get told not to cry, because it doesn't matter anyways, as they walk out the door.

I don't know how I got to this place, where I can't leave. Where I began to feel trapped. I used to be capable of anything. I used to control my own destiny. Now I feel like a chess piece in someone else's malicious game. I think that might be it. To this person . . . everything is a game. People don't matter. Things are what matters. And me . . . after a year of trying to prove that I was enough, I still don't matter. I don't think I ever will. I think I'll continue to spend every free day I have from my stressful life . . . . crying. Wondering when I'll get the courage to truly stand up for myself.