Well . . . I was wrong. I've never felt more alone/heartbreak in my entire life. Why is it that I never understand the situation until I'm outside of it. I get so caught up in this devastating emotion inside me. It's always been uncontrollable to me. It literally feels not like someone has ripped my heart from my chest . . . but as though it was never there to begin with. It just feels like this huge empty hole inside of me. It feels like this dark, empty well. I can't control it. I have found no successful recourse in filling that hole, void, emptiness when it creeps along. I don't ALWAYS feel that way. Only at certain times, or in certain situations. But when it is imminent, there is no turning back.
It's not anyone else's responsibility to fill it either. However, there are certain things that a person can do to assist me in not making it last for 12 hours. A hug, asking me if I'm ok, letting me know that they care. SIMPLE things. Simple things will aid me in reeling back. I really don't think it's a lot to ask. Anyone who really did care/love me, would not want me to feel this way. But what if they have no comparison. What if they have nothing to compare this feeling too. Or . . . What if they have something they CAN compare this feeling too and they have personally over come. Which is worse. The person who has no comparison, or the person who does have a comparison and thinks I'm being a baby.
I come from a very loving family. Yes, my sisters and I have our differences, but when it comes to the relationship I have with my Mom and Dad . . . they have set a high standard for others to live up too regarding showing love/affection or support/care. However, I don't feel as though because I have been raised with loving parents, that my expectations need to be lowered. I deserve to have those same expectations met in a significant other.
So I bring myself back to that feeling. That feeling that I consciously thought about before deciding to get into what I knew would be a long-term relationship. Before entering this relationship I thought to myself, if this ends badly, you're going to be broken hearted. I decided to take the risk, thinking that there was no way that I would end up broken hearted. I thought either A. I would be the one breaking the others heart or B. We would whisk off into the sunset. The latter being my primary notion. . . . . Well I don't think I would be writing this blog, had the latter happened.
Love is not a game to me. Love is about this open tunnel of communication and feeling from one heart and mind to another. I imagine it to be like an interstate tunnel of lots of traffic going back and forth. However, in this particular case, it was as though lots of people were going into the tunnel . . . but nothing was coming out of it. I feel as though in love there should be no filter. There should be exception, rule, or regulation on what is acceptable/not acceptable to share. When one person begins holding back, that is when love is lost. This is when games begin to happen. As though, why do I have to pretend not to care, when I do . . . Why do I have to not tell you how much I care about you, in order to wait for you to tell me. It's all completely aggravating to me.
It's the push and pull. The push for vying for what I want. The pull in compromising in areas that I feel are valid. I don't think we ever got to this point. We tried. But it was usually one person pushing and one person pulling at a time. I feel as though in order to solve problems, there needs to be both happening, on both parties, for an argument to be resolved.
So what do I do? I want to pull. Now that I'm without . . . I want to pull more than ever. I feel as though I would compromise on absolutely anything. Provide any concession. But when in the moment, when in the relationship, I can't feel these willingness to concede. My bottom line is that I just want to be cared about. I just want someone to worry about my feelings, provide consideration for them, and empathize. And I'll give any concession. Any.
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