I don't know how I got to this place. To be this monster. To be a person that cannot control my anger. I don't know how I got a point where I can scream as loud as I can and still not be heard. I'm not even sure where this boiling rage is coming from. I've been told the last year has been a mistake. An utter and complete misgiving that never should have happened. That I've ruined another's life.

Excuse me? Come again? I'm not sure how all that is even possible. I've done nothing but been completely giving of my time. Of my mental capacity. Of my heart. I've been put through tortured hell and back. Only to be told "No man will ever be able to put up with you." "I have no sympathy for you when you cry." "I hate you." I get walked all over. Day in and day out. I am so busy in my every day life, and I never get the first ounce of assistance. I'm expected to do everything and at the end of the day put on a bright shining smiling face and be happy about it. I'm told I've "changed in appearance" We all know what that stands for. YOU GOT FAT!!! I would never say those words to someone. I would never make someone feel so insignificant. I would never make anyone feel so worthless. What might be good for me . . . or a healthy dose of normalcy . . . isn't even allowed. I'm left behind in the dust. I'm not even good enough to be taken out. The only thing I'm allowed to do is cry. Because it doesn't hurt anyone else. No one even cares. The amount of animosity could fill up an ocean.

I know I'm not making sense, but right now, nothing does. I've given up everything. My friends, my life long goals, my location. All for what? Nothing! I get nothing in return. I get made fun of, my feelings don't matter, and I'm only kept around for financial reasons. I know that's what it is.

Do you know how it feels to be up against the most selfish person in the world. Someone who only thinks of themself. Of someone who always gets what they want. Of someone who nothing stops them, no matter what from doing what they want. From someone who looks at someone with heartfelt tears in their eyes and says "Why are you crying?"

I think I once wrote a blog similiar to this. And this being the second time I've felt this way. It hurts worse. I'm so dumb to think someone could love me. I'm so dumb to think someone would follow through on what they say. I remember when I used to get flowers left at my door unexpectedly. I remember I would get a note taped to my door because someone was thinking of me. And now . . . I just get told not to cry, because it doesn't matter anyways, as they walk out the door.

I don't know how I got to this place, where I can't leave. Where I began to feel trapped. I used to be capable of anything. I used to control my own destiny. Now I feel like a chess piece in someone else's malicious game. I think that might be it. To this person . . . everything is a game. People don't matter. Things are what matters. And me . . . after a year of trying to prove that I was enough, I still don't matter. I don't think I ever will. I think I'll continue to spend every free day I have from my stressful life . . . . crying. Wondering when I'll get the courage to truly stand up for myself.