While cruising along up in the air with the benefits of modern technology at my disposal, a little update to preuse.
At 28,000 feet, everything feels a little funny. However, this time I don't think it's due to the altitude. I'd like to take some time to talk about hope and expectation versus disappointment and self created plans.
Many of us have chosen to not have expectations, due to the disappointment it brings. If we don't expect, then we don't have to feel the yucky feelings of this self created plan we made in our head not happening. Therefore, we should never project, never dream, and never forecast. Correct? Welllllll . . . I'm not so good at this. I'm a dreamer, a planner, a forecaster. I am the guarder and bearer of my future.
I recently received some news, that I had been forecasted and projecting on. I should learn to know by now, that whatever the military tells you, you can pretty sure bank on the opposite happening. Or whatever you don't want to happen, whatever the most inconvenient time is . . . that will be what happens.
I found out last night, that Aron would not be coming home with me Monday. I knew not to count on it. But I didn't realize how much I was counting on it until it's not happening. Something just flashes red in my head about someone else being in control of my future plans. It would be silly to buy a house near my job, therefore I must continue to drive over an hour to work daily, until he comes home and figures out where everything stands. I can't project whether we're going to stay together. How would I know who he is after 8 weeks of being in the military. I can't project what my life will look like at all. I feel as though I can't get comfortable in my new job, because when he comes home, I'm going to want to be at home. So I shouldn't get too used to spending too many long hours at my job. I now feel like I have nothing to look forward too. The only thing I now have projected on my schedule is . . LOTS of long days at work. And while some happiness is found at work, it's not the sole being to our happiness.
I find my happiness in relationships. And not just significant other relationships. My happiness is defined by the relationships I have with friends, family, and significant other. While Aron brings tremendous happiness to my life, when that is taken away, it also puts great strain on other relationships. Other people are significantly more depended on, and with that lack of extra happiness your significant other brings gone, everything seems to be a little shrouded in a shade of gray.
I have some events to attend while Aron was gone. I think some people got the impression that I can't have fun without him. While this is drastically the opposite from the truth, many people don't know what it's like to be away from the significant other for 8 weeks. It's weird to hang out with other late 20 year olds, as the "single one." It brings back flooding memories of high school when I was the dreaded third wheel. As a 28 year old, success, relatively (on a good day) attractive woman, I never imagined myself having to deal with going to a wedding with no date, buying my own drinks at a bar, or never going on a date for 2 months. Maybe I'm spoiled. But I feel completely abandoned.
I think all in all this experience has been good for me. I'm able to refocus my attention on my job and see how you truly can become successful with long days at work. But my worry exists when he comes home. How do you balance? How do you make up for lost time? Do you start over? I feel like I'm embarking on a blind date with someone, but I know what they look like. The anxiety is taking over and the excitement has completely left the building. There were days earlier this week, my heart could have exploded with how excited I was to see Aron if only for 10 minutes. And right now, I can't find that. I hope that tomorrow morning I get excited, but I"m more worried than anything. How do I respond to such an entity that is in control of my life, that I don't even really want in it? How do I not say all the anxiety provoking things that have caused me restless nights over the past two months, just to enjoy the 4 days of time I have with him.
The proudness that I feel for his accomplishments is immense. But my stomach tells me something bad is on the horizon. And my stomach isn't usually wrong.
