Push and Pull

I thought long and hard December 2009 of this exact feeling. I remember contemplating that feeling of being utterly and simply alone. I remember thinking . . . if I do this . . . you open yourself up to that feeling. That possibility is there. My response at the time was . . . that won't happen.

Well . . . I was wrong. I've never felt more alone/heartbreak in my entire life. Why is it that I never understand the situation until I'm outside of it. I get so caught up in this devastating emotion inside me. It's always been uncontrollable to me. It literally feels not like someone has ripped my heart from my chest . . . but as though it was never there to begin with. It just feels like this huge empty hole inside of me. It feels like this dark, empty well. I can't control it. I have found no successful recourse in filling that hole, void, emptiness when it creeps along. I don't ALWAYS feel that way. Only at certain times, or in certain situations. But when it is imminent, there is no turning back.

It's not anyone else's responsibility to fill it either. However, there are certain things that a person can do to assist me in not making it last for 12 hours. A hug, asking me if I'm ok, letting me know that they care. SIMPLE things. Simple things will aid me in reeling back. I really don't think it's a lot to ask. Anyone who really did care/love me, would not want me to feel this way. But what if they have no comparison. What if they have nothing to compare this feeling too. Or . . . What if they have something they CAN compare this feeling too and they have personally over come. Which is worse. The person who has no comparison, or the person who does have a comparison and thinks I'm being a baby.

I come from a very loving family. Yes, my sisters and I have our differences, but when it comes to the relationship I have with my Mom and Dad . . . they have set a high standard for others to live up too regarding showing love/affection or support/care. However, I don't feel as though because I have been raised with loving parents, that my expectations need to be lowered. I deserve to have those same expectations met in a significant other.

So I bring myself back to that feeling. That feeling that I consciously thought about before deciding to get into what I knew would be a long-term relationship. Before entering this relationship I thought to myself, if this ends badly, you're going to be broken hearted. I decided to take the risk, thinking that there was no way that I would end up broken hearted. I thought either A. I would be the one breaking the others heart or B. We would whisk off into the sunset. The latter being my primary notion. . . . . Well I don't think I would be writing this blog, had the latter happened.

Love is not a game to me. Love is about this open tunnel of communication and feeling from one heart and mind to another. I imagine it to be like an interstate tunnel of lots of traffic going back and forth. However, in this particular case, it was as though lots of people were going into the tunnel . . . but nothing was coming out of it. I feel as though in love there should be no filter. There should be exception, rule, or regulation on what is acceptable/not acceptable to share. When one person begins holding back, that is when love is lost. This is when games begin to happen. As though, why do I have to pretend not to care, when I do . . . Why do I have to not tell you how much I care about you, in order to wait for you to tell me. It's all completely aggravating to me.

It's the push and pull. The push for vying for what I want. The pull in compromising in areas that I feel are valid. I don't think we ever got to this point. We tried. But it was usually one person pushing and one person pulling at a time. I feel as though in order to solve problems, there needs to be both happening, on both parties, for an argument to be resolved.

So what do I do? I want to pull. Now that I'm without . . . I want to pull more than ever. I feel as though I would compromise on absolutely anything. Provide any concession. But when in the moment, when in the relationship, I can't feel these willingness to concede. My bottom line is that I just want to be cared about. I just want someone to worry about my feelings, provide consideration for them, and empathize. And I'll give any concession. Any.

I don't know how I got to this place. To be this monster. To be a person that cannot control my anger. I don't know how I got a point where I can scream as loud as I can and still not be heard. I'm not even sure where this boiling rage is coming from. I've been told the last year has been a mistake. An utter and complete misgiving that never should have happened. That I've ruined another's life.

Excuse me? Come again? I'm not sure how all that is even possible. I've done nothing but been completely giving of my time. Of my mental capacity. Of my heart. I've been put through tortured hell and back. Only to be told "No man will ever be able to put up with you." "I have no sympathy for you when you cry." "I hate you." I get walked all over. Day in and day out. I am so busy in my every day life, and I never get the first ounce of assistance. I'm expected to do everything and at the end of the day put on a bright shining smiling face and be happy about it. I'm told I've "changed in appearance" We all know what that stands for. YOU GOT FAT!!! I would never say those words to someone. I would never make someone feel so insignificant. I would never make anyone feel so worthless. What might be good for me . . . or a healthy dose of normalcy . . . isn't even allowed. I'm left behind in the dust. I'm not even good enough to be taken out. The only thing I'm allowed to do is cry. Because it doesn't hurt anyone else. No one even cares. The amount of animosity could fill up an ocean.

I know I'm not making sense, but right now, nothing does. I've given up everything. My friends, my life long goals, my location. All for what? Nothing! I get nothing in return. I get made fun of, my feelings don't matter, and I'm only kept around for financial reasons. I know that's what it is.

Do you know how it feels to be up against the most selfish person in the world. Someone who only thinks of themself. Of someone who always gets what they want. Of someone who nothing stops them, no matter what from doing what they want. From someone who looks at someone with heartfelt tears in their eyes and says "Why are you crying?"

I think I once wrote a blog similiar to this. And this being the second time I've felt this way. It hurts worse. I'm so dumb to think someone could love me. I'm so dumb to think someone would follow through on what they say. I remember when I used to get flowers left at my door unexpectedly. I remember I would get a note taped to my door because someone was thinking of me. And now . . . I just get told not to cry, because it doesn't matter anyways, as they walk out the door.

I don't know how I got to this place, where I can't leave. Where I began to feel trapped. I used to be capable of anything. I used to control my own destiny. Now I feel like a chess piece in someone else's malicious game. I think that might be it. To this person . . . everything is a game. People don't matter. Things are what matters. And me . . . after a year of trying to prove that I was enough, I still don't matter. I don't think I ever will. I think I'll continue to spend every free day I have from my stressful life . . . . crying. Wondering when I'll get the courage to truly stand up for myself.