Sarah

On my drive home from work tonite, after a LONG day at work, I was thinking about all the things to blog about.  How it all tied together in this growing dichotomy building inside me.  Now time has gotten away from me so this may be rather short and sporadic.

With the holiday season being upon us, I'm trying so hard to stay positive.  Yet I constantly struggle with driving home to an empty apartment.  Due to my crazy busy work schedule and responsibilities outside of work, my beloved little puggle has gone to stay with Grandma and Grandpa for the winter.  It's amazing how much enjoyment my 4 legged little  BooBoo's brought me.  This growing discontentment was recently magnified by what I feel was letting this job opportunity slip through my hands.  It's hard for me to put into words how disappointed I am by this.  Disappointment has not been a feeling I've had the unwonderful pleasure of knowing much in my life.  I have generally tended to believe that my destiny is in my hands and ultimately control the outcome.  I've worked hard for everything I have and in this instance, my experience and ability to convey my aptitude for this position just simply did not overcome that of someone else.   I didn't let too many people know that I had this opportunity for this specific reason.  I don't think people these days know how to console one another.   In this particular instance, I just decided to rededicate myself back to my work, and assure myself that another "perfect" opportunity such as this one, would come along at a much better time.

I don't think people these days know how to console one another.  I cried with my first family member today. I have been at my job now for 2 years and have never cried in front of a family member within the confines of CACC.  Or in the parking lot.  But today I did.  One of my favorite family members, is in the process of losing her husband.  This particular resident and I did not have an exceptional relationship, but we had a good relationship none the less.  But I much enjoyed my relationship with his wife on her visits.  Every time I was with this resident, and his wife came to visit, the instant he saw her face, his face lit up like nothing I had ever seen.  He smiled, would hug her, and would immediately take her hand.   He would look at me, smiling, look back at her, and you just knew that they had had a lifetime of love together.  I hope his wife can remember that in the coming days.  Today my heart broke for her.  She's been so strong, caring for him, for a long time. She is about to lose the physical presence of her best friend.  The only comforting words I had for her were, John 14:1 "Do not let your hearts be troubled.  You believe in God.  Believe also in me.  My Fathers house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.  You know the way to the place where I am going."  I hope this gives her some peace.

On a similarly religious and work affiliated note.  Both my favorite resident and I, the past week had been suffering from bad colds.  (No wonder I got sick)  He has not been in my office, or even out of his room much last week, nor had I had my door open to my office much due to my own germs and tolerance.  Today we were both feeling much better.  After catching up and talking about his baby sister and how I am as well the youngest.  He said to me, "Well I can tell you that your parents did one thing right.  They raised you up in the way of the Lord.  And let me tell you, I have been watching you, and they have done a fine job."  My heart was filled with gladness.  Just the night before in the book I am currently reading, I was fixated on this passage:

"What will people remember us for?  Are other people's lives better because we lived?  Did we make a difference?  Did we use to the fullest the gifts and abilities God gave us?  Did we give our best effort and did we do it for the right reasons?
God's definition of success is really one of significance - the significant difference our lives can make in the lives of others.  The significant doesn't show up in win-loss records, long resumes, or the trophies gathering dust on our mantels.  It's found in the hearts and lives of those we've come across who are in some way better because of the way we lived."

As I fell asleep last night, I wondered.  How have I been living my life?  Have I been doing it for the right reasons?  Have I been using my gifts and abilities God gave me to the fullest?  Heck . . . . what even ARE the gifts and abilities God gave me?  Have I impacted anyone's life?   Has anyone been better because I have lived?   It truly made me question my motives in my life.  I've recently been focused on Peter 3:4 recently.  I've been focusing on having a "quiet and gentle spirit."  God likens it to the spirit of Sarah, Abraham's wife.  At work today, I focused on being very productive catching up on my paperwork, so that in the future, when given the opportunity, I can take the time to truly be use my abilities to the fullest.  I think my residents comment to me, was God's encouragement that I have, but there are avenues where I can be better.

Though I've been a little discouraged lately, I'm hoping it's likely due to the fact I've been cold/flu sick.  I'm hoping with my increasing health my mood improves as well.  This holiday season is filled with such gladness, I don't want to miss out on the opportunity to spend some incredible moments with people I truly care about both old and new.