On Hold

A lot continues to change for me.  My mind remains methaphorical mush.  While I try to navigate the world of what is real, what is imagined, and what is experienced by others.  I find myself drifting off in thought because my small, tiny, little brain, cannot wrap itself around the concepts with which it's trying to grasp.  Lately . . . I feel as though my life is on hold.   On hold for this : 

What is it you say?  It's an obvious mud hole.  It's nothing fantastic.  I can't even tell you that the door facing forward will be mine.  Because it won't.  It will be the second door on the side.  To a tiny one bedroom, upstairs apartment.  But ya know what.  It will be mine.  

This is one conclusion I've come to lately.   That this life.  This life I have right here, right now, is mine.  And I'm not going to let anyone step their toes or get their grubby little paws on my life right now.  I don't want to share my time, my strength, or my energy on . . . . anyone.  I'm going to do things my way, on my terms.  I will share as much or as little of myself as I feel/see fit. 

I went on a date.  Well . . . . I think it was a date.   I'm not real sure.  And I was left with a bitter taste in my mouth.  There is SO much more to myself, or any person, than you can convey in a 20 minute car ride to a movie.  Why do other adults not understand this?  People.  You.  Me.  Everyone.  Has such depth with which to share.  And do we ever truly experience each other's depth.  I don't feel as though we do.  And the few people we do begin to reach some depth of knowing with, are often the ones who hurt us.  

I think this little apartment will be another step of moving on.  This will be my first solo apartment since I've had my professional job.  It will be where I come home from work.  It will be a fresh start.  A place for me to figure things out on my own.  As my mind de-mushifies itself, and starts to figure things out.  This will be where I put the pieces back together.  And I can't say that enough.  After the past two months . . . . this . . . is where I will start to put the pieces back together.   I have to.