So . . . . .
I haven't posted in a while. And while anyone who reads this on a regular basis (no one) will find. . . already knows that things aren't going so well. The things I originally set this blog out to discover now seem irrelevant. But have led me to a fruitful finding. I need to put myself first. I have GOT to stop worrying about the other people in my life and figure out what it is that is going to get me out of this vicious cycle of economy eating and career ending paths. I spent 6 years going to school for something that . . . to be honest . . . no longer seems in the least bit interesting. Maybe it's burnout . . . maybe it's lack of research. Lack of research on my part of something that I could see myself doing the rest of my life. I see people every day that specialized that took a small . . . very small . . . childhood dream of their own and just went with it. They found their niche. While I"m super jealous of this . . . I feel so far behind. I love the fact that the poeple around me are successful, I continuously ask myself . . . where did I go wrong? Did my parents and I not ever have the "follow your dreams" talk? Did I just happen upon something in college that seemed so easy that I just went with it?
It's so interesting to me the shift this blog and my life have taken in the past 5 months. I mean I wish the reason I started this blog could see me now. But I know he's too self-centered and ignorant to even relatively care. Yah he would see a big hot mess of a life . . . but I know that he would know that I for once come first. My life is coming together (I feel like) in so many aspects, but still falling apart at the same time. And it's funny that the part that is falling apart influences the part that is falling apart. Insecurities seep over into my social aspect of my life due to the fact that my career is going no where.
I don't know where to re-begin. One of my friends said to be the other day "It's not about what happened in the past, it's about moving forward. What are YOU going to do to move forward?" Obviously I have to make some changes. Get a schedule for myself. Get back to the things I love. Get back to the gym. Get back to being serious about being successful in life. Obviously I'm not one of those people who is able to free-load off their parents. I love when new people find out about the actuality of my situation. The first question they ask is "Can your parents help?" HA. That's what I say "HA." My mother is my absolute best friend in the world. I talked to her 3-4 times a day since I moved out of my parents home in September of 2002. Do you know how many times I've talked to her in the past month excluding my birthday. . . . . . 3. 3. That's less than one full hand.
It's not even the lack of financial support I'm mad about from my parents. That's not it at all. I'm 25 years old. I should be supporting myself. It's that when push comes to shove with my mother . . . she doesn't know how to take her own worries out of the picture and just allow me to be worried about myself. Maybe that sounds selfish. But just be my best friend for a minute. Let me worry. Let me be concerned about where my life is headed, instead of dragging your own worries into this picture and dragging me right down with you. It tears me up inside to know end to not be able to call her up.
My dad started a new job. I'm really happy for him. You have no idea the amount of struggle he has been through in his life. I know that his story goes way deeper than I'll ever imagine. And I know that I need to spend more time inquiring about his early life before it's too late. My dad is one of the greatest guys imaginable. Any guy would be lucky to be half the man he is. If only I could find someone as strong and supportive as him.
While we're on the subject of guys . . . a year and a half. Really? Have I really allowed myself to be strung along for someone who reminds me SO greatly of my father for a year and a half? While all my friends have told me that he's the one for me. . . . I'm slowly coming to my own conclusion. I feel like when you meet that one person . . . you just know. Believe me . . . I KNEW when I met him. But a year and a half later . . . our relationship has not changed. It's still superficial and I still can't find a strong emotionally supportive connection with him. I don't need a lot from someone. All I need is a shoulder to cry on and someone to say "Everything will be ok."
In the mean time . . . shits gotta start falling into place. If not . .. you're slowly gonna see this girl drown . . (drown . . drowned . . . drownd . . hmmm). There have been so many mistakes I have made in the past 6 years that I just wish I knew now what I know then. I feel like everyone else was taught these lessons pre high school and these are lessons I'm just now coming to conclusions on because I have had to learn them myself. I feel like maybe the sheletered life of a mercer county girl has had more repercussions many years later than they did my freshman year of college. But again . . . what am I going to do to move forward? What am I going to do to make this situation better? Right now . . . I have ZERO . . . I mean ZERO answers . . . . . and I don't know where I'm going to find them. And that's VERY unsettling for me.
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