Grace

Times of change.

I was recently directed to www.therulesofagentleman.com
And this is what I found:

"Your outlook on life defines how you react to those life changing moments."
Please note: Those reactions can define your life

Along with lots of other useful tips for not only those aspiring to be a gentleman, but some of which for those wanting to be well respected, revered, and of good moral character.

I spent a long time thinking about this. We hear a lot about how, it's not about the moments that change your life, but about how you react to them that makes you a better person. But this particular quote pre-empts the situation. It is in fact true, that our outlook on life has already pre-determined how we will react in those tough, grueling situations. Optimist vs. Pessimist - People are inherently good vs. People are inherently bad - Internal vs External locus of control.

In my recent particular situation, I wallowed. Even though I have always felt that I am an optimist, believe that people are inherently good, and have an internal locus of control. I control my destiny. Life doesn't happen TO me, but I effect the life that I make. In all my time or sorrow, pity, and emptiness I don't ever recall saying "Why is this happening to me?" I do remember asking: "What lesson is God trying to teach me?" I was continuially trying to pull the bruised and battered heart out, wipe off the dust, and breathe some semblence of life back into it.

And to be honest, I'm not sure I have even figured out what lesson it was/is that God is trying to teach me. He may be trying to teach me to not be so trusting. To not be so open. To not be so caring. Or maybe he's trying to teach me the opposite. Maybe he is trying to teach me that I am a good person, and that someone out there will appreciate me for my flaws. That I too am ALLOWED to make mistakes and still be accepted. What a concept? That you can be accepted for your flaws, and misgivings. I'm not sure I've ever learned this concept. All my life I have been drug around by other peoples feelings, likes/dislikes, desires/whims. I've morphed myself so many times to that of someone else especially significant other relationships and friends that I have frequently lost sight of who I am as a person. On a topical layer, I have always continued to try to match what the other person was indicating that they wanted/needed in order to increase the amount of acceptance I felt. Little did I know, that was only decreasing the amount of acceptance, because I would always know at the core of my being, I was not being my authentic self.

So who is my authentic self? I am someone who wears my heart on my sleeve. I am someone who has no filter when it comes to love. I am someone who bears my soul in the most open of ways. I don't know how to be guarded. I don't know how to protect myself. I don't know how to stand my ground. I don't know how to stand up for who I am and say "I am a good person. And good people make mistakes sometimes. But my mistakes do not disqualify me from feeling loved."

I'm not a resentful person. Even today, I pray that peace finds those who I feel have rejected me. I know the unrest they must feel. I don't feel I will ever get tired of this quote:

"People are tenacious when it comes to the treasure of their imaginary independence. They hoard and hold their sickness with a firm grip. They find their identity and worth in their brokenness and guard it with every ounce of strength they have. No wonder grace has such little attraction. In that sense you have tried to lock the door of your heart from the inside."

Grace HAS lost such an attraction in today's society. SO many people have the door to their heart locked from the inside so that no one can get in. People become so caught up in defending their pain. But have you ever just sat and felt true pain? And just sat in that feeling. What makes it better? For every Good Friday comes an Easter Sunday. I don't only believe that pain is associated with death. I feel that for every time of mourning comes a new day. "For God made the earth round so we could never see too far down the road." Isak Dineson - Grace does not need to lose such attraction in today's society. Grace is motivation. Grace is in believing that there is a new tomorrow. Grace is in the next smile that crosses your path. Grace is in laughter. Grace is in the simplest of pleasures. And grace is what brought me peace. My horoscope stated today that it was time to start letting go. And my friends . . . . Grace is certainly in letting go.

Hodge Podge

You need to begin a process of letting go now as the Moon moves through your 12th House of Endings. Your work may not flow as easily as you wish and there's no easy way to force yourself through the current creative block. Don't get hung up about something on the job that isn't moving ahead; instead, watch the signs and see what clues you can derive. Once you figure out the message, you will be permitted to proceed to the next step.


Just wanted to recount how true my igoogle horoscope on a regular basis is.

My goal is to revamp this blog. It's new name will be Life, Love and the lack thereof.

Time and time again we need a little break
From the give and take
We make the same mistakes
I know I've never been the one to let my feelings show
And I guess in that regard I'm really not alone
We could all use a push and when it comes to shove
We sing of life and love and a lack thereof
But with a little bit of luck we could never get enough of a good thing - Uncle Kracker


I promise to update soon. About the journey through moving on . . . . moving forward . . . . and finding peace.

I think at some subconscious level holding on to a glimmer of hope eases pain.

What I will learn/ Never do again.

When someone uses the words “I love you.” I will not take it as a formality. Those are heartfelt words, that someone would not use, if they did not mean them. Just like the thought I put into saying, typing those same words . . . so did the other person. No one has to use those words. But when they say them, they mean it. A small inconsideration does not incriminate a person against these words. Life happens. Love is a feeling. An action. An overall generalization you get when looking at the person you feel a heart to heart connection with. Small daily life events are not ammunition against a person to change the way a person feels. Those words truly are meant, and just because someone did not put the seat down does not mean that person does not love you.

Everyone. Absolutely EVERYONE in the world has emotions. Though some people bottle them up and though some people don’t show them, everyone’s wheels turn. Everyone thinks about their life in a complex, processed way. Everyone is fighting their own demons. And though they may not wear them on their sleeve, everyone is thinking . . . feeling . . . building inside. This is not cause to set your own feelings up on center stage. In relationships both individuals feelings need to be side by side, heard and valued. A person with ever present emotions is not suffering any more or any less than a person who keeps them inside. A person who has outward expressive emotions is not in any more pain than a person who is crying on the inside. Sensitivity is learned. It is learned from prior experiences. At some point, when getting into an adult relationship, those sensitivities need to be wiped clean and started fresh with that particular individual. Old hurts, those wounds, need to be closed and healed before entering into a new relationship. Old wounds are the basis for which salt is rubbed creating sensitivity.

A relationship, with anyone, significant other, dog, family member should never be taken for granted. At the most complex or simplest level. It takes work, time, sweat, tears to have a successful relationship with someone. No one is obligated to do that. No one owes you anything. And a person who puts that same work, time, sweat and tears into a relationship must really want to be there to do that. Taking someone for granted is taking advantage of that person, their life story, their journey. It’s saying that who they have become is not worth upkeep. Everyone’s journey is special. Everyone’s journey is innately hard. Everyone has had their struggles. And everyone who walks this earth is deserving of someone who appreciates them as a whole.

I will, in all situations, take three steps back . . . . and breathe. I get entirely (is an understatement) caught up in the present. As a counselor you are taught to be in the here and now. This moment, this one right here. That really only works . . . in a therapeutic sense. Yes, lets not take life’s small pleasures for granted and be gracious. But being in this second, current second, in a relationship, so many times is not the best idea. When in times of arguing, disagreement, frustration, taking a step or two or three back from the situation has never caused more damage than quick gut reacting. Gut reacting is instinct. It’s what is built in us as humans to fight or flight. I am not dealing with another cave man over my families dinner. I’m dealing with someone I care about. I’m dealing with someone who has done good things for me and I have done good things for them. I’m always so ready to fight. Always so ready to jump to the defensive. When I get wrapped up in an argument, I need to understand . . . Am I really being attacked? What is it that I’m trying to prove? Why am I feeling such a urge to jump, lunge, lash at that person. It’s all my own teaching. There is no need for jumping, lunging and lashing. Remaining calm is simply my only thought to fix this for now. Having a longer fuse. Which leads to:

I will not burden my stress on others. Life should be simple. Life doesn’t need to get complicated. Getting caught up in life stress i.e. dieting, exercise, groceries, bills, dividing time will not be the burden of my partner. One can eat healthy, exercise and maintain a household . . . without becoming a monster. These highway times will pass and some day we will be on country roads. This is a temporary state. And while I may get caught up in all these things, they should not hold me back from simply enjoying the best things that are around me in life.

I will keep my relationship as a devotion of love. Love is one of the deepest feelings someone can feel for another. This is one of the only feelings I can think of that creates such extreme highs and disparaging lows. The gut wrench that comes out of broken love is tormentuous. But do we ever spend time living, breathing, relishing in those moments of extreme love. That moment when you look at the person you love and smile, just because they feel something unimagineable for you. Do we hold on to those feelings? Or do we stick them in the back of our file bank as a simple feeling? I will make time for feeling joy from love.

I will not judge the person I’m with. I will trust them. I will know that they’re words, knowledge, expertise comes from a place of experience just like mine. I need to trust that the person I am with will provide me with the most useful information they have at the time. I will never think that my brain or heart is on a continuum higher or lower than theirs. That judgment is not meant for me. And the means by which I judge others, I will someday be held to. That my standards for myself, do not have to be the standards for others. That my goals for myself do not have to be the goals for my partner. And if their goals are different, does not mean they are lesser than mine.

I want someone who loves me like crazy. I want someone who will do anything for me. And more importantly than both of those. . . I will know and acknowledge it when it comes to me. For this is the root of my problem. Having someone who will do anything for me and loving me like crazy. Being caught up in my own life, stress, and judgment blinded me to taking advantage of someone who possessed the quality I desired in a partner more than ever. I had someone who was willing to face their darkest fear on a regular basis just to please me. Just for me to be too complacent to notice. And I’ll never get so comfortable again, that I don’t see what is right in front of me. The only hope I have is to pray that God has given me the gift of knowledge of my mistake and grants that person the gift of forgiveness. So that I may show them too, what a truly special person they are.

I think Chandler had it right.

Chandler: You don't have to stop having fun just because I'm here. Kathy didn't cheat on all of you. (To Joey) Well, except you. (They hug and Chandler goes into the bathroom with the chick and the duck following him.) Monica: Hey, Joey, I don't think you should leave Chandler alone. I mean it's only been two days since he broke up with Kathy. Maybe you can go fishing next week? Joey: Look, there's nothing I can do for him right now, he's still in his sweat pants, that's still Phase One. Y'know? I'll be back for Phase Two, I would never miss Phase Two. Monica: What's Phase Two? Joey: Gettin' drunk and going to a strip club. Rachel: How does going to a strip club help him get better? Ross: Because there are naked ladies there. Joey: Which helps him get to Phase Three, picturing yourself with other women. This weekend. . . . today . . . probably tomorrow . . . I feel like I'm in this episode. I'm definitely Chandler. I spent all weekend in my sweats. Nothing but wallowing in self pity. I remember the last time my long term relationship ended. I spent three months. THREE MONTHS . . . laying in my bed, at home, crying. I unfortunately have grown up since then, and 5 years later I have responsibilities. I can't lay in my bed all day. I can't sit around and cry for the rest of my life. Do I want everything to go back to normal, back to the way it was but with all the puzzle pieces in the right place. . . of course I do. But I don't think that's going to be happening. So I'm left with a decision. I can sit around in Phase One for another week . . . or I can move on to Phase Two. So who's getting drunk and going to the strip club with me? I was also pondering this as I drove back this morning. What is it about getting drunk after a break up that instantly makes everything better. Is it the numbness of alcohol. Is it the fact that it preoccupies your mind that you don't have to pay attention to what you're really thinking about. Or is it the social aspect of reaching out to old/new friends. Whatever it is. . . . this has always been my method of coping during these times. Albeit not healthy, or even remotely productive. I have an album called "The Rebound." A compilation of pictures after my last break up (a short lived, though emotionally draining relationship). Is that what is going to happen this time? Where I lose 50 lbs because I drink and smoke myself into an emotionally numbing coma. Who knows. Right now, I know my only option is to pretend like this situation doesn't exist. To pretend like I'm not living in this nightmare right now. To take a mental break from the exhaustion of heartfelt miserable-ness. And when I come up for air . . . I'll figure out what to do next.

Push and Pull

I thought long and hard December 2009 of this exact feeling. I remember contemplating that feeling of being utterly and simply alone. I remember thinking . . . if I do this . . . you open yourself up to that feeling. That possibility is there. My response at the time was . . . that won't happen.

Well . . . I was wrong. I've never felt more alone/heartbreak in my entire life. Why is it that I never understand the situation until I'm outside of it. I get so caught up in this devastating emotion inside me. It's always been uncontrollable to me. It literally feels not like someone has ripped my heart from my chest . . . but as though it was never there to begin with. It just feels like this huge empty hole inside of me. It feels like this dark, empty well. I can't control it. I have found no successful recourse in filling that hole, void, emptiness when it creeps along. I don't ALWAYS feel that way. Only at certain times, or in certain situations. But when it is imminent, there is no turning back.

It's not anyone else's responsibility to fill it either. However, there are certain things that a person can do to assist me in not making it last for 12 hours. A hug, asking me if I'm ok, letting me know that they care. SIMPLE things. Simple things will aid me in reeling back. I really don't think it's a lot to ask. Anyone who really did care/love me, would not want me to feel this way. But what if they have no comparison. What if they have nothing to compare this feeling too. Or . . . What if they have something they CAN compare this feeling too and they have personally over come. Which is worse. The person who has no comparison, or the person who does have a comparison and thinks I'm being a baby.

I come from a very loving family. Yes, my sisters and I have our differences, but when it comes to the relationship I have with my Mom and Dad . . . they have set a high standard for others to live up too regarding showing love/affection or support/care. However, I don't feel as though because I have been raised with loving parents, that my expectations need to be lowered. I deserve to have those same expectations met in a significant other.

So I bring myself back to that feeling. That feeling that I consciously thought about before deciding to get into what I knew would be a long-term relationship. Before entering this relationship I thought to myself, if this ends badly, you're going to be broken hearted. I decided to take the risk, thinking that there was no way that I would end up broken hearted. I thought either A. I would be the one breaking the others heart or B. We would whisk off into the sunset. The latter being my primary notion. . . . . Well I don't think I would be writing this blog, had the latter happened.

Love is not a game to me. Love is about this open tunnel of communication and feeling from one heart and mind to another. I imagine it to be like an interstate tunnel of lots of traffic going back and forth. However, in this particular case, it was as though lots of people were going into the tunnel . . . but nothing was coming out of it. I feel as though in love there should be no filter. There should be exception, rule, or regulation on what is acceptable/not acceptable to share. When one person begins holding back, that is when love is lost. This is when games begin to happen. As though, why do I have to pretend not to care, when I do . . . Why do I have to not tell you how much I care about you, in order to wait for you to tell me. It's all completely aggravating to me.

It's the push and pull. The push for vying for what I want. The pull in compromising in areas that I feel are valid. I don't think we ever got to this point. We tried. But it was usually one person pushing and one person pulling at a time. I feel as though in order to solve problems, there needs to be both happening, on both parties, for an argument to be resolved.

So what do I do? I want to pull. Now that I'm without . . . I want to pull more than ever. I feel as though I would compromise on absolutely anything. Provide any concession. But when in the moment, when in the relationship, I can't feel these willingness to concede. My bottom line is that I just want to be cared about. I just want someone to worry about my feelings, provide consideration for them, and empathize. And I'll give any concession. Any.

I don't know how I got to this place. To be this monster. To be a person that cannot control my anger. I don't know how I got a point where I can scream as loud as I can and still not be heard. I'm not even sure where this boiling rage is coming from. I've been told the last year has been a mistake. An utter and complete misgiving that never should have happened. That I've ruined another's life.

Excuse me? Come again? I'm not sure how all that is even possible. I've done nothing but been completely giving of my time. Of my mental capacity. Of my heart. I've been put through tortured hell and back. Only to be told "No man will ever be able to put up with you." "I have no sympathy for you when you cry." "I hate you." I get walked all over. Day in and day out. I am so busy in my every day life, and I never get the first ounce of assistance. I'm expected to do everything and at the end of the day put on a bright shining smiling face and be happy about it. I'm told I've "changed in appearance" We all know what that stands for. YOU GOT FAT!!! I would never say those words to someone. I would never make someone feel so insignificant. I would never make anyone feel so worthless. What might be good for me . . . or a healthy dose of normalcy . . . isn't even allowed. I'm left behind in the dust. I'm not even good enough to be taken out. The only thing I'm allowed to do is cry. Because it doesn't hurt anyone else. No one even cares. The amount of animosity could fill up an ocean.

I know I'm not making sense, but right now, nothing does. I've given up everything. My friends, my life long goals, my location. All for what? Nothing! I get nothing in return. I get made fun of, my feelings don't matter, and I'm only kept around for financial reasons. I know that's what it is.

Do you know how it feels to be up against the most selfish person in the world. Someone who only thinks of themself. Of someone who always gets what they want. Of someone who nothing stops them, no matter what from doing what they want. From someone who looks at someone with heartfelt tears in their eyes and says "Why are you crying?"

I think I once wrote a blog similiar to this. And this being the second time I've felt this way. It hurts worse. I'm so dumb to think someone could love me. I'm so dumb to think someone would follow through on what they say. I remember when I used to get flowers left at my door unexpectedly. I remember I would get a note taped to my door because someone was thinking of me. And now . . . I just get told not to cry, because it doesn't matter anyways, as they walk out the door.

I don't know how I got to this place, where I can't leave. Where I began to feel trapped. I used to be capable of anything. I used to control my own destiny. Now I feel like a chess piece in someone else's malicious game. I think that might be it. To this person . . . everything is a game. People don't matter. Things are what matters. And me . . . after a year of trying to prove that I was enough, I still don't matter. I don't think I ever will. I think I'll continue to spend every free day I have from my stressful life . . . . crying. Wondering when I'll get the courage to truly stand up for myself.