A superficial update

Well I promised the twitter world I would update this week. Here I am. - Updating. However, it's been so long since I've done so, it almost seems irrelevant. Or maybe it's rather than there is nothing exciting or absolutely disparaging in my life that I have to complain about. I would never want a blog to be about complaining . . . so rather this blog is about stagnation.

Stagnation - defined as staying the same. Not improving. Not deteriorating. Like driving down Route 66 through Kansas . . . . flat, dry land. Forever.

This is possibly how I feel about my life right now. All the blogging for months about job. I finally have one. PRAISE AND THANK THE LORD. I will have been there 1 year on November 30th. I love my job. I love the residents I work with. Are there parts of my job I don't love . . . of course. But I do love my job. And that's good. Becuase I'm going to be there for 4 more years. My work is paying for me to be supervised by an independent counselor in order to count my hours towards my independent license. This further enhances my value to the company and to my long term goals.

Becuase I'm being supervised by someone not in the company, I am given a tremendous opportunity. I have the opportunity to do contract therapy work through my supervisor and get paid at insurance rates. This = bank :)

The debt situation continues to improve with my new budget conscience mind and living on a fixed income. This new contract therapy work should help the situation improve at a much faster rate.

Any rate . . . John and I started dating when I moved back to Columbus. We moved in together fairly quickly, and if there is one thing we can agree on, it is that I never should have moved in. Our relationship is a constant work in progress. I love him to pieces, but we are definitely in the comfortable phase of our relationship where there isn't a lot of maintenance and there isn't a ton of prospect in it either. I'm hoping that changes soon. Without opening my mouth and mind too much, I promised I would update.

The past two weeks have been rough. I have been dealing with inconsiderate doctors as well as the death of my great grandmother. I would be remiss to not speak about her tenacity. My great grandma Alt passed away this past Sunday at the age of 99 years and 8 months. For YEARS my family mowed her yard, went out every morning to get her up out of bed, get her shoes on, get her coffee and cereal ready and set up for the day. Only to return in the evening to get her ready for bed. My mother took wonderful care of my g.grandmother's laundry, shopping needs, and bills. My g.grandma Alt knows her loved her best. While in high school she always asked how my "tooter" (trumpet) was doing. She was supportive, encouraging, and an all around tenacious lady.

While I've been all over Columbus attempting to find a doctor who will help me, I've pretty much been miserable. Most people think as though, due to the fact that my face is not disfigured that it must not be that big of a deal. It is a HUGE deal. I cannot feel the most important part of the left side of my face. (Lower eye lid, nose, lip, teeth) I'm in constant pain, burning, itching of my face. Over the past two and a half weeks I have only become more used to the feeling, it has not improved at all. After days when I've been most active (i.e. Crew game, tailgating for Buckeyes, speaking with lots of people) I'm in excrutiating pain. The more my face moves, the more painful it is the next day. I'm continuing to navigate my way through the health care system. I am currently being referred to a neurologist after $205 in copay's and 5 trips to medical centers. Lets hope this new doctor can help.

Before re-reading all my old blogs I made a vow this week to spend more money on outings with friends, reconnecting. My blogs re-affirmed why I love them so much. They've seen me through the past year. Hopefully the upcoming year will continue to provide new prospects and new opportunities as I eliminate debt from my life :)

Catching up.

It's the ups and the downs. And the courage to pick yourself back up again. Yes, things still are not going as planned back home. I have had no luck in the job market. I have been within grasp of my perfect job and denied because they hired an "internal" candidate. However she said I interviewed well. UMMMMM I do NOT want to hear that I "interviewed well" BUT you chose an internal candidate. I don't have a job lady. . . . So frustrating. So the search is on. I have had an interview and second interview with a place in Indianapolis (not in my professional career) and an interview tomorrow with a job in Columbus (also, not in my professional career), but we have to get back to making money. It's amazing how the world revolves around money. It's one of those things that just makes the world turn, and will never go away. And unfortunately for me, money seems to fall out of my hands quicker than it seems to fall into it.

Luckily for me, I have expanded my social circle back home. I have reconnected with a few old high school friends and have gotten out a bit. It's fun to see people and have them say "You look familiar." I never visited home much during my 8-9 years in Columbus, so I really have been gone. It's almost like I'm a newcomer to Mercer County. No one remembers me from high school. I don't know if that means that they just didn't care, that they were too wrapped up in their own lives to look around, or if they don't remember my wonderful presence back in the day. So it's nice to get out, meet people, have a few laughs on the weekends. It's not as planned out as I would like, but I'll take what I can get.

I have mentioned this person before . . . . lets call him . . . Bob. Bob has returned to my life yet again. There are times in my life that I feel as though I'm really over Bob, and there are times in my life where I think that this cannot possibly keep continuing to resurface if it wasn't meant to be given a proper chance. The first time he fucked up, the second time I fucked up. I'll be honest, I wasn't ready to be in a relationship still in June or July after Arron. I guess my heart wasn't ready to be put back into a situation where I would be used again, and taken for granted. But Bob is back. There is definitely a conversation that needs to be had about how serious he is about us not being in one anothers lives. Because eventually that will happen, when one of us moves on. Which is sad to think about.

And as always Mister Why Not (this is such a clever nickname I love it). Mister Why Not continues to play the idiot card. He continues to know that being with me would be the smartest decision he could ever make but continues to choose not to give this a concerted effort. I was informed today that Mister Why Not has put many girls in this position. The words were "I have seen many girls fall into your shoes." And to be honest, I will always maintain that I'm "different." Which we all know is a crock of crap. But, I feel as though this process 2 years in the making has been a little more thought through. But then again, not so thought through. I am starting to develop very angry frustrations within me about the situation that given one too many alcoholic beverages, and a little lack of consideration, if running into him, I'm likely to blow up. Sooooo with all of those things given good probability this weekend . . . we'll see how it goes.

Continue to keep your fingers and toes crossed for me to first and foremost find a job. I would really really appreciate it! :)

Frustrated

Well . . . I'm not having so much as a good night. This whole moving home thing . . . just not what I had planned. I try so hard every day to make the right decisions, to weight the pros and cons, to look objectively at life and make the correct choice. Always to find that I've made the wrong decision. I look around at the people around me and everyone is so happy. And I am lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life with such optimistic attitudes about where their life is headed. Yet when I display this same amount of optimism towards my life, all I end up, is disappointed. It sucks. What am I doing wrong? All I want is to be happy. I don't think that's a lot to ask. Maybe I'm throwing a pity party who knows, but it's so hard to be happy when you have no one to share anything with. I'm not talking about even a male companion, I'm talking about anyone. Mercer county is like putting me in a box without windows. All of my friends who I have grown to know and love and care about are in Columbus. No one is here. And it's not the same having a phone friendship with people. I can't talk to my parents about the same things I talk to my friends about. And my vision of how everything was going to work out is not happening in the least. I think the most frustrating thing is to be alone. And don't get me wrong I love my alone time, and I don't mind being single. It's the aloneness. The feeling of having no one to talk too. The feeling of no one being there when you wanna break down. It's the feeling of when things go wrong and you have no understanding why.

What we all saw coming, but didn't want to happen.

I think it was more like an asteroid heading for my life, we all saw it coming, no one wanted to admit it though. The thought of moving home, back in with my parents at the age of 25, is by far the most credibility devastating thing I could do. However, it was by far the smartest and only option I have. I am in the deepest whole beyond all imagine with debt. It's not even conceivable. It's hard to even understand how I got here, but I look around and I see all the wonderfully nice things I have, and I think about all the memories I've made and I have my answers. However now I'm paying for it, literally. This move back home has more pro's than con's. The move back home has allowed me to recenter myself on work. I really do love counseling. I wouldn't have spent so much time learning, thinking, questioning what it is I believe in, if I didn't love it. I think MST may have jaded me for a while, but if I could find my right niche, I have no doubt in my mind that counseling is what I want to do. I do believe it needs to deal with students/children in some capacity. And hopefully my wonderful internship site remembers how much I loved doing the two programs I did while there and will hopefully hire me for a school-based position. I just hope this happens sooner than later before someone comes to my door and takes me away.

I have also recently became a Mary Kay Beauty Consultant. While there are many product lines out there that I have come to love, Mary Kay is by far the most flexible. While I do not see myself doing this forever, I do see thing launching a fabulous artistic side to me of doing make up for weddings, proms, homecomings, special events. I love helping women look and feel beautiful. When a woman feel's beautiful she exudes a confidence that no dress or clothing item can substitute. If anyone would like to book a party or just get some ideas on make up as far as color I would love to help!

While moving home was a tragic event to my self-esteem, the pain has been eased. While I don't want to speak too much on this subject as I don't want to jinx it, the awkward stage is sometimes fun. However annoying and frustrating at times. I would like to think in this day and age as a 25 year old we no longer play games, but honesty is not something that can be revealed easily. I find it hard to open up to someone I barely know, and I find it harder to get to know someone who doesn't run in the same social circle. It's nice to have my time to do my own thing, however it would be even more nice to have more questions answered.

It has been WONDERFUL to see more of my nephews and niece. I have gotten to see them fight, get ready for bed, help with homework, play soccer, and just play. It has been so nice to see them. I realize more and more through them how dramatically short life is, and how every moment is an opportunity to build a memory with them.

It has also been nice to spend time with the few friends that I do have back home. Taking walks, catching up over lunch (soon). I hope that the friendships from the past will quickly become old hat as I become more of a staple back home.

My post was very sporadic, just updating anyone who reads on what's been going on. Hopefully there will be good news of a new stable job soon! Keep me in your prayers!

Ever evolving

So as this blog set out to serve one purpose, it has become a chameleon of sorts, transforming into whatever it is that I so need it to be. It has changed from a personal outlet, discovery center, and into a platform for my current adventures. My life has been in a mixed up place the past couple of months. As many of you have read and found out, life has been unsettling, volatile, and even at times, a bit scary. But I've made it. I've made it to the other side of the great divide that I was on, and I'm unscathed on dry, flat land. I'm embarking on a new journey. A journey that I never thought would encompass my life as much as it's about too. When I was younger, I believed by the age of 25 that I would have a husband, house, and 2 kids. My oh my, how that is not the truth.

First things first, while I would like to believe that I just haven't found "him" yet, I think it's a combination of my ADD and my unwillingness to settle. While other people have found their mates and quickly settled down, I see the opportunities that they have missed to go out and experience them self. To truly be ALONE. To see what it's like to spend mass quantities of time with YOURSELF. Spending time with myself has become a great solstice for me. I find peace and serenity in rejuvenating my energy. Now don't get me wrong, my eyes are still peeled. But I am in a new found place of allowing it to happen on it's own, rather than searching for it.

So what will I do with my time now that I'm not the male searching version of the crocodile hunter. Career. That's what I'm doing. Re-prioritizing. Following my dreams. My dream truly is to just be successful. I just want to be good at whatever it is that I'm doing. I want to make a difference in the world of course, but I'll have plenty of time for that once I become successful (vague yes I know).

Youth University. . . . wow. What do I have to say about Youth University. First off I will say, my boss took a gamble on me. I have small to no sales experience but am adamantly passionate about the cause. I feel as though kids need something to work for, a carrot in front of their proverbial goat noses if you will. With this opportunity kids can focus, create, and very importantly STAY out of trouble. No more MST kids!!!! I feel as though Dwain and Elijah are probably two of the most brilliant and genius men I will ever meet, and hope to someday learn all there is to know from them. This will however, take a majority of my adult life. But with this being said, I want to work for it. I want to know what it's like to pour my heart into something and watch it flourish. I want it to grow, and I want it to grow bigger and better than anybody else's. In order to do this, I need to continually remind myself. Angie . . . what is it that you want in life? How will you get it? . . . By working hard. Harder than you've ever worked in your life. And while Dwain would say, "Don't work hard, work smart." I need the hard work reminder in order to keep me motivated. That this will not come easy. That this will take my serious dedication.

With all that said, I would say the same of myself. I'm taking a huge risk with this company. Many of you all know my financial situation and it gets more and more stressful every day. I never thought I would ever be to this point. But I am. And I have to remind myself that the only way out of this is through my hard work. Therefore, I must again, work harder, stronger, smarter, faster, than anyone out there, if I'm ever going to achieve stress relief from money. I'm gambling on this. I'm putting myself in a very dangerous position to do this, and I'm praying that all works out as planned.

I am looking forward to the new adventures I'm about to embark on, I'm looking forward to the new challenges I will see, I'm also looking forward to the many new people I've already begun to meet. I think it's been very healthy for me to purge myself of some toxic people in my life. I think it will be very necessary to return to those people who have always been there for me. I think the summer is always a time to find many new friends who will only be around for a while. So it will be good as the summer begins to wind down to see who pulls through in the end, who I can put stock into, and who will be here when the snow rolls in.

Happiness

They say happiness is not a destination, rather a journey. I don't think I quite believe in this. I feel as though happiness is like a real nice vacation. I feel as though we often have to discover what makes us happy, spend a long time traveling to that place, and then just relax there for the rest of our lives. I have spent a LONG . . . . VERY LONG . . . time in the discovery phase. I've spent many years, hours, long talks with good friends attempting to discover where it is that I needed, wanted, destined to be. And I don't know how I traveled to where it is, but I think I've found my island in the sky. I'm in essence arriving at my destination, I'm getting off the place, I'm in the taxi on the way to my beautiful wonderland. It's so close I can touch it. And being so close excites me. I've never been so thoroughly excited about the direction my life is taking than right now. I see my life becoming, evolving into exactly it is that I've wanted for SO long. The ME I dreamed of being, is about to be a reality. I see the whole picture. While, yes, I am waiting for a few more puzzle pieces to fall into place, I can see where the pieces go. I think luck, God, and hard work are going to need to be on my side for these pieces to come together, but I really think that for once in my life, I just might be ok. Better than ok. I think the people who know me the best, would say that I"m cautiously optimistic, in all arenas, especially job and relationships. But I'm OPTIMISTIC. And I'm ready to work hard, harder than I've ever worked in my entire life, to get that taxi to the destination I'm meant to be at. I think God has put me through some tough times as of recently. Lets me honest, we all know the reason I started this blog was rough on me. The 7 months of looking for a job took an excrutiating toll on me, my life, my sanity, my liver. But it all happened for a reason. I knew that the way I treated my life so wrecklessly the past two months was because I knew once something great came along, I had to be ready to focus. I had to be ready to give all else up to pour my heart and soul into whatever it was that came my way. While there are some minor set backs in my life, I'm not worried about those. I'm ready to focus on the positive, focus on the fact that in a few short months, I'm positive that those set backs will not be an issue.

I've met some wonderful people this summer. . . and some not so wonderful people. But I have slowly begun to fill my life with people. People who I can have some amazing conversations with. And the awesome thing is . . . is I"m on the verge of opening up a whole new social network to myself. I'm about to embark on a professional circle that I've never been a part of. This is SO exciting.

So back to those goals I created at the beginning of summer. I failed miserably at a few. But maybe those . . . we can still work on. HOWEVER . . . one of the few I thought I wouldn't be that upset if I didn't accomplish . . . will be happening tomorrow. I'm attending a hip hop dance class. You also have NO idea how much this excites me. I'm stepping out of my comfort zone. I'm losing my inhibitions in a way I've never known before. All because I have met wonderful people already at my new job. This is the kind of networking, people sharing, collaborating, I've been missing in my life.

Moving on . . . . literally. After a year and a half. I think I'm ready to let him go. I've tried for so long to make it work. I've tried so hard to be a priority. And after chasing it for so long, I think it's lost it's luster. Maybe that's why I've been bummed in the relationship (like thinking about serious relationship) department, because I've finally realized . . . it would have never worked. I would never have the support I needed, the conversation, the love that I need so badly in a relationship. And it's almost sad that his feelings have grown stronger. It's almost too little, too late. And it really bums me out. Where was he when I wanted this all along? So, I'm sure this will be a damper when I decide that it's time to talk it out, and let him know . . . . that my feelings have changed. I'll miss him a lot, and hopefully we'll remain terrific friends, but I just don't ever think we'll be the same now that my feelings have burned out. While many people would think that this normally would hinder my happiness, I'm COMPLETELY ok with it. I'm ready to focus on me. I'm ready to spend time grabbing my destination of happiness and embracing the steady climb to self-actualization.

Long time no post

So . . . . .

I haven't posted in a while. And while anyone who reads this on a regular basis (no one) will find. . . already knows that things aren't going so well. The things I originally set this blog out to discover now seem irrelevant. But have led me to a fruitful finding. I need to put myself first. I have GOT to stop worrying about the other people in my life and figure out what it is that is going to get me out of this vicious cycle of economy eating and career ending paths. I spent 6 years going to school for something that . . . to be honest . . . no longer seems in the least bit interesting. Maybe it's burnout . . . maybe it's lack of research. Lack of research on my part of something that I could see myself doing the rest of my life. I see people every day that specialized that took a small . . . very small . . . childhood dream of their own and just went with it. They found their niche. While I"m super jealous of this . . . I feel so far behind. I love the fact that the poeple around me are successful, I continuously ask myself . . . where did I go wrong? Did my parents and I not ever have the "follow your dreams" talk? Did I just happen upon something in college that seemed so easy that I just went with it?

It's so interesting to me the shift this blog and my life have taken in the past 5 months. I mean I wish the reason I started this blog could see me now. But I know he's too self-centered and ignorant to even relatively care. Yah he would see a big hot mess of a life . . . but I know that he would know that I for once come first. My life is coming together (I feel like) in so many aspects, but still falling apart at the same time. And it's funny that the part that is falling apart influences the part that is falling apart. Insecurities seep over into my social aspect of my life due to the fact that my career is going no where.

I don't know where to re-begin. One of my friends said to be the other day "It's not about what happened in the past, it's about moving forward. What are YOU going to do to move forward?" Obviously I have to make some changes. Get a schedule for myself. Get back to the things I love. Get back to the gym. Get back to being serious about being successful in life. Obviously I'm not one of those people who is able to free-load off their parents. I love when new people find out about the actuality of my situation. The first question they ask is "Can your parents help?" HA. That's what I say "HA." My mother is my absolute best friend in the world. I talked to her 3-4 times a day since I moved out of my parents home in September of 2002. Do you know how many times I've talked to her in the past month excluding my birthday. . . . . . 3. 3. That's less than one full hand.

It's not even the lack of financial support I'm mad about from my parents. That's not it at all. I'm 25 years old. I should be supporting myself. It's that when push comes to shove with my mother . . . she doesn't know how to take her own worries out of the picture and just allow me to be worried about myself. Maybe that sounds selfish. But just be my best friend for a minute. Let me worry. Let me be concerned about where my life is headed, instead of dragging your own worries into this picture and dragging me right down with you. It tears me up inside to know end to not be able to call her up.

My dad started a new job. I'm really happy for him. You have no idea the amount of struggle he has been through in his life. I know that his story goes way deeper than I'll ever imagine. And I know that I need to spend more time inquiring about his early life before it's too late. My dad is one of the greatest guys imaginable. Any guy would be lucky to be half the man he is. If only I could find someone as strong and supportive as him.

While we're on the subject of guys . . . a year and a half. Really? Have I really allowed myself to be strung along for someone who reminds me SO greatly of my father for a year and a half? While all my friends have told me that he's the one for me. . . . I'm slowly coming to my own conclusion. I feel like when you meet that one person . . . you just know. Believe me . . . I KNEW when I met him. But a year and a half later . . . our relationship has not changed. It's still superficial and I still can't find a strong emotionally supportive connection with him. I don't need a lot from someone. All I need is a shoulder to cry on and someone to say "Everything will be ok."

In the mean time . . . shits gotta start falling into place. If not . .. you're slowly gonna see this girl drown . . (drown . . drowned . . . drownd . . hmmm). There have been so many mistakes I have made in the past 6 years that I just wish I knew now what I know then. I feel like everyone else was taught these lessons pre high school and these are lessons I'm just now coming to conclusions on because I have had to learn them myself. I feel like maybe the sheletered life of a mercer county girl has had more repercussions many years later than they did my freshman year of college. But again . . . what am I going to do to move forward? What am I going to do to make this situation better? Right now . . . I have ZERO . . . I mean ZERO answers . . . . . and I don't know where I'm going to find them. And that's VERY unsettling for me.