2011. Wow. What a year. (very cliche way to start off an end of the year blog, I know, but true) If someone had told me January 1st, 2011 that this would be my life a year later, I never would have believed them. The year started off rocky, and of course got a little rockier. But sometimes, as many will say, you have to hit bottom before you can climb back up.
The most amazing part of this year happened in July. On a balcony in Myrtle Beach I discovered how much abounding love God truly has for me. My life has been forever changed by that single moment. It has been the basis for my happiness. Happiness that is not found in someone or something else. The happiness that I have found is truly from within. The peace in which I found in all my troubles have disappeared. It's almost as if there are no more troubles in life that I can't walk through with my head held high. With happiness and faith in God, I know Plan A is right on track, and he has amazing plans for me. I have learned so much through my time spent reading the bible. Phrases, meanings, verses that have continued to renew my faith day in and day out. My explanation and lack of words to describe the transformation my soul has made since that day does not do the experience justice. I've never in my life felt more internal happiness in my life. My life has been filled with laughter, smiles, friendship, grace, and love. My relationship with God has been renewed, but also with my family and some really amazing friends.
I've also had the opportunity to grow in my career. As I embark on 2012, I will be looking to take my independent licensure exam. I will also be looking for new career opportunities, that continue to challenge me both personally and professionally. My career at Columbus Alzheimer's has blessed me with flexibility, insight, and lots of challenges.
And even when things were falling into place and I was smiling from the inside, God gave me a nice layer of icing on my cake. Aron has been a wonderful addition to my life. He reflects all the happiness, smiles, and laughter that is so strongly at the center of who I am. Our relationship continues to embody the balance I wish to have in my life of feeling cared about and maintaining my own independence.
This year wouldn't have been complete without Miss Natalie Edwards, leaving Charlotte and moving back to Columbus. She continues to remain to be the other of me on some days. She has shared many a drink, heart to heart, and gone through many life's lessons with me. Also, Miss Kala Andrews who saw a girl in need and invited me on that fateful trip to Myrtle has continued to be a beacon of light in my life. When I feel myself beginning to lose my light, she quickly reminds me that "Giiirrrrllllll, His plan for you is SO good." I look forward to our continued friendship. Though Mr. Shawn Collier has spent his year very busy, and with his wonderful girlfriend India, he continues to be a mainstay in my social calender, for laughs, and a reality check. His expanded social circle also brought light to one Miss Erin Hackett, who continues to get me into trouble, share a drink, and smell good. While some of my friendships have grown deeper roots, and other new friendships have taken into full bloom, I know God has redeemed any amount of pain I felt in the first months of this year.
I wouldn't trade 2011 for the world. I say again, there are no words to explain the amount of gratitude I feel to be so amazingly blessed by all of you. I will end with a bible verse that keeps me grounded, and not taking things for granted.
Luke 8: 18 - Therefore consider carefully how you listen. Whoever has will be given more; whoever does not have, even what they think they have will be taken from them.
May the Chapter of 2011 forever be closed. And may my 2012 be half as blessed as I am right this very moment. I wish all my friends peace, happiness, and gratitude in the coming year :)
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Sarah
On my drive home from work tonite, after a LONG day at work, I was thinking about all the things to blog about. How it all tied together in this growing dichotomy building inside me. Now time has gotten away from me so this may be rather short and sporadic.
With the holiday season being upon us, I'm trying so hard to stay positive. Yet I constantly struggle with driving home to an empty apartment. Due to my crazy busy work schedule and responsibilities outside of work, my beloved little puggle has gone to stay with Grandma and Grandpa for the winter. It's amazing how much enjoyment my 4 legged little BooBoo's brought me. This growing discontentment was recently magnified by what I feel was letting this job opportunity slip through my hands. It's hard for me to put into words how disappointed I am by this. Disappointment has not been a feeling I've had the unwonderful pleasure of knowing much in my life. I have generally tended to believe that my destiny is in my hands and ultimately control the outcome. I've worked hard for everything I have and in this instance, my experience and ability to convey my aptitude for this position just simply did not overcome that of someone else. I didn't let too many people know that I had this opportunity for this specific reason. I don't think people these days know how to console one another. In this particular instance, I just decided to rededicate myself back to my work, and assure myself that another "perfect" opportunity such as this one, would come along at a much better time.
I don't think people these days know how to console one another. I cried with my first family member today. I have been at my job now for 2 years and have never cried in front of a family member within the confines of CACC. Or in the parking lot. But today I did. One of my favorite family members, is in the process of losing her husband. This particular resident and I did not have an exceptional relationship, but we had a good relationship none the less. But I much enjoyed my relationship with his wife on her visits. Every time I was with this resident, and his wife came to visit, the instant he saw her face, his face lit up like nothing I had ever seen. He smiled, would hug her, and would immediately take her hand. He would look at me, smiling, look back at her, and you just knew that they had had a lifetime of love together. I hope his wife can remember that in the coming days. Today my heart broke for her. She's been so strong, caring for him, for a long time. She is about to lose the physical presence of her best friend. The only comforting words I had for her were, John 14:1 "Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God. Believe also in me. My Fathers house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going." I hope this gives her some peace.
On a similarly religious and work affiliated note. Both my favorite resident and I, the past week had been suffering from bad colds. (No wonder I got sick) He has not been in my office, or even out of his room much last week, nor had I had my door open to my office much due to my own germs and tolerance. Today we were both feeling much better. After catching up and talking about his baby sister and how I am as well the youngest. He said to me, "Well I can tell you that your parents did one thing right. They raised you up in the way of the Lord. And let me tell you, I have been watching you, and they have done a fine job." My heart was filled with gladness. Just the night before in the book I am currently reading, I was fixated on this passage:
"What will people remember us for? Are other people's lives better because we lived? Did we make a difference? Did we use to the fullest the gifts and abilities God gave us? Did we give our best effort and did we do it for the right reasons?
God's definition of success is really one of significance - the significant difference our lives can make in the lives of others. The significant doesn't show up in win-loss records, long resumes, or the trophies gathering dust on our mantels. It's found in the hearts and lives of those we've come across who are in some way better because of the way we lived."
As I fell asleep last night, I wondered. How have I been living my life? Have I been doing it for the right reasons? Have I been using my gifts and abilities God gave me to the fullest? Heck . . . . what even ARE the gifts and abilities God gave me? Have I impacted anyone's life? Has anyone been better because I have lived? It truly made me question my motives in my life. I've recently been focused on Peter 3:4 recently. I've been focusing on having a "quiet and gentle spirit." God likens it to the spirit of Sarah, Abraham's wife. At work today, I focused on being very productive catching up on my paperwork, so that in the future, when given the opportunity, I can take the time to truly be use my abilities to the fullest. I think my residents comment to me, was God's encouragement that I have, but there are avenues where I can be better.
Though I've been a little discouraged lately, I'm hoping it's likely due to the fact I've been cold/flu sick. I'm hoping with my increasing health my mood improves as well. This holiday season is filled with such gladness, I don't want to miss out on the opportunity to spend some incredible moments with people I truly care about both old and new.
With the holiday season being upon us, I'm trying so hard to stay positive. Yet I constantly struggle with driving home to an empty apartment. Due to my crazy busy work schedule and responsibilities outside of work, my beloved little puggle has gone to stay with Grandma and Grandpa for the winter. It's amazing how much enjoyment my 4 legged little BooBoo's brought me. This growing discontentment was recently magnified by what I feel was letting this job opportunity slip through my hands. It's hard for me to put into words how disappointed I am by this. Disappointment has not been a feeling I've had the unwonderful pleasure of knowing much in my life. I have generally tended to believe that my destiny is in my hands and ultimately control the outcome. I've worked hard for everything I have and in this instance, my experience and ability to convey my aptitude for this position just simply did not overcome that of someone else. I didn't let too many people know that I had this opportunity for this specific reason. I don't think people these days know how to console one another. In this particular instance, I just decided to rededicate myself back to my work, and assure myself that another "perfect" opportunity such as this one, would come along at a much better time.
I don't think people these days know how to console one another. I cried with my first family member today. I have been at my job now for 2 years and have never cried in front of a family member within the confines of CACC. Or in the parking lot. But today I did. One of my favorite family members, is in the process of losing her husband. This particular resident and I did not have an exceptional relationship, but we had a good relationship none the less. But I much enjoyed my relationship with his wife on her visits. Every time I was with this resident, and his wife came to visit, the instant he saw her face, his face lit up like nothing I had ever seen. He smiled, would hug her, and would immediately take her hand. He would look at me, smiling, look back at her, and you just knew that they had had a lifetime of love together. I hope his wife can remember that in the coming days. Today my heart broke for her. She's been so strong, caring for him, for a long time. She is about to lose the physical presence of her best friend. The only comforting words I had for her were, John 14:1 "Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God. Believe also in me. My Fathers house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going." I hope this gives her some peace.
On a similarly religious and work affiliated note. Both my favorite resident and I, the past week had been suffering from bad colds. (No wonder I got sick) He has not been in my office, or even out of his room much last week, nor had I had my door open to my office much due to my own germs and tolerance. Today we were both feeling much better. After catching up and talking about his baby sister and how I am as well the youngest. He said to me, "Well I can tell you that your parents did one thing right. They raised you up in the way of the Lord. And let me tell you, I have been watching you, and they have done a fine job." My heart was filled with gladness. Just the night before in the book I am currently reading, I was fixated on this passage:
"What will people remember us for? Are other people's lives better because we lived? Did we make a difference? Did we use to the fullest the gifts and abilities God gave us? Did we give our best effort and did we do it for the right reasons?
God's definition of success is really one of significance - the significant difference our lives can make in the lives of others. The significant doesn't show up in win-loss records, long resumes, or the trophies gathering dust on our mantels. It's found in the hearts and lives of those we've come across who are in some way better because of the way we lived."
As I fell asleep last night, I wondered. How have I been living my life? Have I been doing it for the right reasons? Have I been using my gifts and abilities God gave me to the fullest? Heck . . . . what even ARE the gifts and abilities God gave me? Have I impacted anyone's life? Has anyone been better because I have lived? It truly made me question my motives in my life. I've recently been focused on Peter 3:4 recently. I've been focusing on having a "quiet and gentle spirit." God likens it to the spirit of Sarah, Abraham's wife. At work today, I focused on being very productive catching up on my paperwork, so that in the future, when given the opportunity, I can take the time to truly be use my abilities to the fullest. I think my residents comment to me, was God's encouragement that I have, but there are avenues where I can be better.
Though I've been a little discouraged lately, I'm hoping it's likely due to the fact I've been cold/flu sick. I'm hoping with my increasing health my mood improves as well. This holiday season is filled with such gladness, I don't want to miss out on the opportunity to spend some incredible moments with people I truly care about both old and new.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Change
There are times in my life when I get the overwhelming feeling that I'm on the verge of big change. I always likened it to if I was standing on the edge of a big cliff. The open, risky feeling you feel just by standing there, and having such confidence in knowing that if you jumped, you just know you'd fly. I remember this same feeling the summer of 2009. It's this sense of knowing that what I have right now, won't ever be again. While, I know that's true of every day life, it's a larger sense of knowing that the comfortable place my life is at, isn't going to be so comfortable in the future. That things are about to change in a big way. I have never liked change, and I think this "sense" or "feeling" is God's way of preparing me. Saying . . . "Get ready, girl."
All of the changes that have happened in my life have been good. I've never had a single big change that I've regretted, or I haven't come out the other side a better person. I know that this change will bring the same. I was on the treadmill today putting in a couple miles and I almost started crying. I felt someone saying to me that my family needs me. Ms. Brady told me a while ago about these messages she hears from God, and I wasn't completely sold on it. I wasn't sure what this voice was, or how I would know it was Him. But I heard it again. I remember this summer when I was at home for two months. It was the most peaceful time in my life. I was able to take walks with my sisters, have talks with my Mom, and morning coffee with my Dad. I was able to see my nephews soccer games, help my niece remove a years worth of stickers off her art desk, and be around for my newborn little Godson.
While I don't need to get ahead of myself, I'm being faced with the potential of being at home again. While now more stable and on my feet again, I'm not sure if that's what I want. But I know I would be missing out. I know the opportunity that lays before me, if granted to me, is not one I could sensibly pass up. Do I choose sensibility or do I choose comfortability? My life here in Columbus is "comfortable." I go to my job, I go to the gym, I have friends I can meet for dinner or Happy hour. I have girlfriends and guy friends who are a regular part of my sanity. I have a wonderful apartment. BUT . . . . (There is always a BUT when talking about Columbus. The but, when talking about home is always much smaller).
I never dread driving home. I always dread the drive back to Columbus. Someone said to be . . "Well that's because you have to go to work." After thinking about it, I don't think that's it. I love the structure the work week brings. I love my job. I love my residents. I love feeling like I've contributed to society. So why do I dread the drive back to Columbus? I think it's because those that hold my heart together, are just so far away.
I would hope that if I ever decided to move back home that the people have brought me such great revelation would stay connected with me, to make sure that I don't lose sight of what's important in life. I don't think God would have presented me with this opportunity, or lined things up so beautifully if he didn't want this for me. I guess I will just have to wait to find out. Until then, I will stand with my toes curled over the edge of that big cliff, waiting to see if this is the next big change.
All of the changes that have happened in my life have been good. I've never had a single big change that I've regretted, or I haven't come out the other side a better person. I know that this change will bring the same. I was on the treadmill today putting in a couple miles and I almost started crying. I felt someone saying to me that my family needs me. Ms. Brady told me a while ago about these messages she hears from God, and I wasn't completely sold on it. I wasn't sure what this voice was, or how I would know it was Him. But I heard it again. I remember this summer when I was at home for two months. It was the most peaceful time in my life. I was able to take walks with my sisters, have talks with my Mom, and morning coffee with my Dad. I was able to see my nephews soccer games, help my niece remove a years worth of stickers off her art desk, and be around for my newborn little Godson.
While I don't need to get ahead of myself, I'm being faced with the potential of being at home again. While now more stable and on my feet again, I'm not sure if that's what I want. But I know I would be missing out. I know the opportunity that lays before me, if granted to me, is not one I could sensibly pass up. Do I choose sensibility or do I choose comfortability? My life here in Columbus is "comfortable." I go to my job, I go to the gym, I have friends I can meet for dinner or Happy hour. I have girlfriends and guy friends who are a regular part of my sanity. I have a wonderful apartment. BUT . . . . (There is always a BUT when talking about Columbus. The but, when talking about home is always much smaller).
I never dread driving home. I always dread the drive back to Columbus. Someone said to be . . "Well that's because you have to go to work." After thinking about it, I don't think that's it. I love the structure the work week brings. I love my job. I love my residents. I love feeling like I've contributed to society. So why do I dread the drive back to Columbus? I think it's because those that hold my heart together, are just so far away.
I would hope that if I ever decided to move back home that the people have brought me such great revelation would stay connected with me, to make sure that I don't lose sight of what's important in life. I don't think God would have presented me with this opportunity, or lined things up so beautifully if he didn't want this for me. I guess I will just have to wait to find out. Until then, I will stand with my toes curled over the edge of that big cliff, waiting to see if this is the next big change.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Reflect
I haven't had a clear head lately, nor clarity to blog. Until I got this umprompted text message from a friend tonite:
"I just want you to know, that it just occurred to me that you're one of the strongest people I know. I just thought you should know that."
First of all . . . . I have amazing friends.
Second of all . . . It's amazing what an array of views people can have of you. While one person views you as the strongest person they know, someone else may view you as weak and vulnerable. And how interesting would it be if that person who viewed you as weak and vulnerable, knew that other people looked to you for a source of strength. However, it doesn't necessarily work the other way.
I don't think people who view you as strong, would feel as though your armor was tainted if they knew you had weak moments. I think the people who view you as strong, feel as though you have admirable strength because of your weakest moments. I don't think I could adequately empathize with others if I wasn't cognizant of the situations I have been through. If I didn't remember daily, that I personally have overcome whatever obstacle in my place, I wouldn't be able to be that person that some rely on.
I would like to say I've had a lot of help along the way. I have lots of great friends and a lot of great family. And they have absolutely been there for me along the way. But anyone who knows me, knows I'm gonna do things my way. I've had to take a step back many times and decide what was best for me. I've recently learned a valuable lesson about advice. That sometimes other people's advice just doesn't fit within the scope of who I am as a person. Some people have given me some very callous and rude advice, that just isn't me. And fortunately for others people in my life, it's easier to be yourself, than it is to be something your not. So I believe part of being strong is being a good problem solver. I feel as though when handed a situation that I'm not able to figure out, I feel as though I'm a pretty smart girl and I do my best to work through it with the values and morals that I believe are at the core of who I am.
Being the strongest person someone knows, is definitely the ultimate compliment, I feel. I think "strong" is a relative term. Just because I can withstand some pretty crappy situations, I don't think is what makes a person "strong." I think a lot of it is about remaining true to who I am. That I'm abundantly loyal. That I'm optimistic to a fault. That I never, ever . . . . . ever lose hope. Being strong isn't about coming out the other side unscathed. Being strong to me is taking every situation in a stride of grace. I haven't always been so graceful in strife. I'd like to think I've come a long way in the past couple of months. I'm enjoying the ever improving person I'm becoming. And I wouldn't be that person if it weren't for a lot of change (which we know I didn't like).
In Bible Study I've been learning some tried and true principles. One being . . . that we all fall short. That even I, when performing perfectly, fall short. And even though I am not perfect, I'm perfect to God. And I don't have to do anything to earn his love. And other people reflect that love, and the love I have for myself. . . . . . Which is why I got this wonderful text. :)
"I just want you to know, that it just occurred to me that you're one of the strongest people I know. I just thought you should know that."
First of all . . . . I have amazing friends.
Second of all . . . It's amazing what an array of views people can have of you. While one person views you as the strongest person they know, someone else may view you as weak and vulnerable. And how interesting would it be if that person who viewed you as weak and vulnerable, knew that other people looked to you for a source of strength. However, it doesn't necessarily work the other way.
I don't think people who view you as strong, would feel as though your armor was tainted if they knew you had weak moments. I think the people who view you as strong, feel as though you have admirable strength because of your weakest moments. I don't think I could adequately empathize with others if I wasn't cognizant of the situations I have been through. If I didn't remember daily, that I personally have overcome whatever obstacle in my place, I wouldn't be able to be that person that some rely on.
I would like to say I've had a lot of help along the way. I have lots of great friends and a lot of great family. And they have absolutely been there for me along the way. But anyone who knows me, knows I'm gonna do things my way. I've had to take a step back many times and decide what was best for me. I've recently learned a valuable lesson about advice. That sometimes other people's advice just doesn't fit within the scope of who I am as a person. Some people have given me some very callous and rude advice, that just isn't me. And fortunately for others people in my life, it's easier to be yourself, than it is to be something your not. So I believe part of being strong is being a good problem solver. I feel as though when handed a situation that I'm not able to figure out, I feel as though I'm a pretty smart girl and I do my best to work through it with the values and morals that I believe are at the core of who I am.
Being the strongest person someone knows, is definitely the ultimate compliment, I feel. I think "strong" is a relative term. Just because I can withstand some pretty crappy situations, I don't think is what makes a person "strong." I think a lot of it is about remaining true to who I am. That I'm abundantly loyal. That I'm optimistic to a fault. That I never, ever . . . . . ever lose hope. Being strong isn't about coming out the other side unscathed. Being strong to me is taking every situation in a stride of grace. I haven't always been so graceful in strife. I'd like to think I've come a long way in the past couple of months. I'm enjoying the ever improving person I'm becoming. And I wouldn't be that person if it weren't for a lot of change (which we know I didn't like).
In Bible Study I've been learning some tried and true principles. One being . . . that we all fall short. That even I, when performing perfectly, fall short. And even though I am not perfect, I'm perfect to God. And I don't have to do anything to earn his love. And other people reflect that love, and the love I have for myself. . . . . . Which is why I got this wonderful text. :)
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Sunday, August 28, 2011
All you need is Love
I work at an Alzheimers facility. A 100 bed, skilled, long term care Alzheimers facility. On any given day we have between 95-100 residents with some form or diagnosis of dementia. Most of these people, when asked, couldn't tell you their first name. 90% of them, can't tell you the right year . . . . or even guess and get remotely close. They frequently look at spouses, children and grandchildren with a look of bewilderment and ask the question loved ones hate to hear the most . . . "Who are you?" It's painful. It breaks my heart when a family member leaves our building in tears. Twenty minutes just spent with a loved one should be happy. But with our residents, sometimes, it just hurts.
I've been there for almost two years now. And in a place filled with so much pain, I've found hope. I've found hope in the most unusual places. And after milling over numbers, case studies, and every day situations with residents, I've come to one conclusion, and one conclusion only. That at the center of who we are, we as humans want to be loved and feel affection.
We have a several "couples" in our facility. They did not enter the facility this way. Some of them, their admit dates are years apart, some only months. These "couples", even though extremely confused, still manage to gravitate back towards one another every morning. Frequently searching the crowd for that familiar face, or even just bumping into them and feeling that old comfortable familiar feeling. Now there are also individuals who tend to keep their options open and roam from woman to woman or from man to man. But at the end of the day these people are searching for one thing . . . love . . . . and affection.
Alzheimers is an interesting disease. Some people forget specifics, like names, places, how to perform in a given learned trade. Other people forget things that come natural to us, involuntary responses, such as swallowing, walking, and talking. And all of these happen in no particular order. There is a gentleman that is a resident currently, that is no longer able to walk or talk, but I'm positive if I sat him in front of a broken car in the parking lot, he'd still be able to fix it. This disease is strange. It's strange in the way that is robs people of their past. It robs people of knowing whats happening to them. And most interestingly, it robs people of all social cueing and learned responses to protect ourselves.
What I find so particularly interesting is one lady. This woman walks hand in hand with the same gentleman every day. They kiss, they hug, they go for walks, they even get a little frisky out in public areas at times. I know this womans daughter quite well. She frequently tells me how "this would never have been my mom." She tells me how her mother in her past was guarded, felt frequently betrayed, and never trusted men. How her mom was an alcoholic, educational type, who loved book clubs. She was a loner. She was divorced. And spent a lot of her time drinking alone. Her daughter describes her almost as cynical. And I can't help but assume that this woman was very knowledgeable in defense mechanisms.
I mean, we all do it. We all get hurt, and we put up walls. We get into situations where we say "Nope . . . . not again. Not this time." And likely sabotage ourselves before we even start. Our defenses kick in and we retract. Retreat. To where we know is safe. This woman, was the quintessential example of being guarded. And upon progression of this disease . . . . all those walls were gone. And at the core of who she was . . . . she still wanted to be loved.
But what continues to interest me even more, is that this transcends just male-female relationships. There is a resident who screams to be in what seems to be some kind of pain 90% of the day. She is on a significant amount of synthetic morphine, and though she could not verbalize whether she was or was not in pain, she is positively not in any pain. The only 10% of the day when she is not screaming . . . . is when someone holds her hand. When someone, a volunteer, a nurse, a family member, it doesn't matter who, talks to her one on one, holds her hand, she appears calm, relaxed, and at ease. Why is it when someone holds her hands, gives her attention is she suddenly reassured? She can't walk, she can't talk, it's likely she doesn't even comprehend what's going on around her, but it's as if she can sense or feel the empathy pouring out of her caregivers.
I've come to the conclusion that that's all we all really want is life. Is to love and be loved in return. What greater feeling is there to love someone freely. And think of all the muddy mess that gets in the way every day on your journey there. And even on your journey there with one person . . . there are a million other relationships to navigate this with as well. It's not just with your significant other. But parents, best friends, siblings. I think our "learned experience" is valuable. Obviously Pavlov had something going for him. But when is social learnedness harmful? When do our experience begin to turn against us? When is it that we lose sight of what's in front of us because of our worry of what happened behind us?
I continue to ask myself these questions every day in effort to not carry the past around. I think of all these little sayings in order to keep me present. But most of the time . . . . they just remind me of the past. So how do you be authentically present with someone . . . . utilize what good you've learned . . . . and forget the bad? Obviously my residents with Alzheimers have forgotten both the good and the bad and are happy. Maybe I should take the lesson from them. Take what is in front of you. Take that comfortable feeling you get in your heart. And let each day be a new day. And never let an old wall get in your way.
I've been there for almost two years now. And in a place filled with so much pain, I've found hope. I've found hope in the most unusual places. And after milling over numbers, case studies, and every day situations with residents, I've come to one conclusion, and one conclusion only. That at the center of who we are, we as humans want to be loved and feel affection.
We have a several "couples" in our facility. They did not enter the facility this way. Some of them, their admit dates are years apart, some only months. These "couples", even though extremely confused, still manage to gravitate back towards one another every morning. Frequently searching the crowd for that familiar face, or even just bumping into them and feeling that old comfortable familiar feeling. Now there are also individuals who tend to keep their options open and roam from woman to woman or from man to man. But at the end of the day these people are searching for one thing . . . love . . . . and affection.
Alzheimers is an interesting disease. Some people forget specifics, like names, places, how to perform in a given learned trade. Other people forget things that come natural to us, involuntary responses, such as swallowing, walking, and talking. And all of these happen in no particular order. There is a gentleman that is a resident currently, that is no longer able to walk or talk, but I'm positive if I sat him in front of a broken car in the parking lot, he'd still be able to fix it. This disease is strange. It's strange in the way that is robs people of their past. It robs people of knowing whats happening to them. And most interestingly, it robs people of all social cueing and learned responses to protect ourselves.
What I find so particularly interesting is one lady. This woman walks hand in hand with the same gentleman every day. They kiss, they hug, they go for walks, they even get a little frisky out in public areas at times. I know this womans daughter quite well. She frequently tells me how "this would never have been my mom." She tells me how her mother in her past was guarded, felt frequently betrayed, and never trusted men. How her mom was an alcoholic, educational type, who loved book clubs. She was a loner. She was divorced. And spent a lot of her time drinking alone. Her daughter describes her almost as cynical. And I can't help but assume that this woman was very knowledgeable in defense mechanisms.
I mean, we all do it. We all get hurt, and we put up walls. We get into situations where we say "Nope . . . . not again. Not this time." And likely sabotage ourselves before we even start. Our defenses kick in and we retract. Retreat. To where we know is safe. This woman, was the quintessential example of being guarded. And upon progression of this disease . . . . all those walls were gone. And at the core of who she was . . . . she still wanted to be loved.
But what continues to interest me even more, is that this transcends just male-female relationships. There is a resident who screams to be in what seems to be some kind of pain 90% of the day. She is on a significant amount of synthetic morphine, and though she could not verbalize whether she was or was not in pain, she is positively not in any pain. The only 10% of the day when she is not screaming . . . . is when someone holds her hand. When someone, a volunteer, a nurse, a family member, it doesn't matter who, talks to her one on one, holds her hand, she appears calm, relaxed, and at ease. Why is it when someone holds her hands, gives her attention is she suddenly reassured? She can't walk, she can't talk, it's likely she doesn't even comprehend what's going on around her, but it's as if she can sense or feel the empathy pouring out of her caregivers.
I've come to the conclusion that that's all we all really want is life. Is to love and be loved in return. What greater feeling is there to love someone freely. And think of all the muddy mess that gets in the way every day on your journey there. And even on your journey there with one person . . . there are a million other relationships to navigate this with as well. It's not just with your significant other. But parents, best friends, siblings. I think our "learned experience" is valuable. Obviously Pavlov had something going for him. But when is social learnedness harmful? When do our experience begin to turn against us? When is it that we lose sight of what's in front of us because of our worry of what happened behind us?
I continue to ask myself these questions every day in effort to not carry the past around. I think of all these little sayings in order to keep me present. But most of the time . . . . they just remind me of the past. So how do you be authentically present with someone . . . . utilize what good you've learned . . . . and forget the bad? Obviously my residents with Alzheimers have forgotten both the good and the bad and are happy. Maybe I should take the lesson from them. Take what is in front of you. Take that comfortable feeling you get in your heart. And let each day be a new day. And never let an old wall get in your way.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Grace
A friend recently told me:
John 10:27 "My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me." :) All you have to be is HIS and you can be sure that He is talking to you... You can recognize His voice easily because unlike the enemy who is always LOUD, OBNOXIOUS, and trying to drag you down... the voice of Jesus is gentle, loving, encouraging, and kind.
I have been worried that I've been missing God's signs. I think HE is a funny man. Now that I am paying more attention to what He speaks to me. . . . I see and hear him in my life more than ever now. He has given me some wonderful signs recently. When I have let things go and put them in His hands, He has made things in my life infinitely better. If I could continue to not worry and leave all things up to Him, I know the plan He has for me will be amazing.
Sometimes I just get in my own way. I think lots of people do. Sometimes we just have to get out of our own way. I know with me being such a controlling person when it comes to everything in my life, sometimes I just make the situation worse. Time, patience, and maturity can go a long way.
I started a new chapter of my life this weekend. The chapter of transition is closed. The chapter of new beginnings is starting. I know God is going to make this chapter of my life the best ever. There are amazing things coming for me and for all those in my life. My family, my friends, and even those who are not my friend. . . . good things are about to happen. I've never been more optimistic before in my life. I have a wonderful new apartment. I am surrounded by wonderful friends. And I have a wonderful loving family. I can't wait for what's ahead for me.
John 10:27 "My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me." :) All you have to be is HIS and you can be sure that He is talking to you... You can recognize His voice easily because unlike the enemy who is always LOUD, OBNOXIOUS, and trying to drag you down... the voice of Jesus is gentle, loving, encouraging, and kind.
I have been worried that I've been missing God's signs. I think HE is a funny man. Now that I am paying more attention to what He speaks to me. . . . I see and hear him in my life more than ever now. He has given me some wonderful signs recently. When I have let things go and put them in His hands, He has made things in my life infinitely better. If I could continue to not worry and leave all things up to Him, I know the plan He has for me will be amazing.
Sometimes I just get in my own way. I think lots of people do. Sometimes we just have to get out of our own way. I know with me being such a controlling person when it comes to everything in my life, sometimes I just make the situation worse. Time, patience, and maturity can go a long way.
I started a new chapter of my life this weekend. The chapter of transition is closed. The chapter of new beginnings is starting. I know God is going to make this chapter of my life the best ever. There are amazing things coming for me and for all those in my life. My family, my friends, and even those who are not my friend. . . . good things are about to happen. I've never been more optimistic before in my life. I have a wonderful new apartment. I am surrounded by wonderful friends. And I have a wonderful loving family. I can't wait for what's ahead for me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)