I don't have time for a full post tonite - hopefully this weekend.  But I heard something tonite I had to share.

"I don't pray that God puts the right person in my path.   I pray that he makes me ready for them when I meet them."



Hmmmmm . . . . . . . learning opportunity.

All you need is Love

I work at an Alzheimers facility.  A 100 bed, skilled, long term care Alzheimers facility.  On any given day we have between 95-100 residents with some form or diagnosis of dementia.  Most of these people, when asked, couldn't tell you their first name.  90% of them, can't tell you the right year . . . . or even guess and get remotely close.  They frequently look at spouses, children and grandchildren with a look of bewilderment and ask the question loved ones hate to hear the most . . . "Who are you?"  It's painful.  It breaks my heart when a family member leaves our building in tears.  Twenty minutes just spent with a loved one should be happy.  But with our residents, sometimes, it just hurts.

I've been there for almost two years now.  And in a place filled with so much pain, I've found hope.  I've found hope in the most unusual places.  And after milling over numbers, case studies, and every day situations with residents, I've come to one conclusion, and one conclusion only.  That at the center of who we are, we as humans want to be loved and feel affection.

We have a several "couples" in our facility.  They did not enter the facility this way.  Some of them, their admit dates are years apart, some only months.  These "couples", even though extremely confused, still manage to gravitate back towards one another every morning.  Frequently searching the crowd for that familiar face, or even just bumping into them and feeling that old comfortable familiar feeling.  Now there are also individuals who tend to keep their options open and roam from woman to woman or from man to man.  But at the end of the day these people are searching for one thing . . . love . . . . and affection.

Alzheimers is an interesting disease.  Some people forget specifics, like names, places, how to perform in a given learned trade.  Other people forget things that come natural to us, involuntary responses, such as swallowing, walking, and talking.  And all of these happen in no particular order.  There is a gentleman that is a resident currently, that is no longer able to walk or talk, but I'm positive if I sat him in front of a broken car in the parking lot, he'd still be able to fix it.  This disease is strange.  It's strange in the way that is robs people of their past.  It robs people of knowing whats happening to them.  And most interestingly, it robs people of all social cueing and learned responses to protect ourselves.

What I find so particularly interesting is one lady.  This woman walks hand in hand with the same gentleman every day.  They kiss, they hug, they go for walks, they even get a little frisky out in public areas at times.   I know this womans daughter quite well.  She frequently tells me how "this would never have been my mom."  She tells me how her mother in her past was guarded, felt frequently betrayed, and never trusted men.   How her mom was an alcoholic, educational type, who loved book clubs.  She was a loner.  She was divorced.  And spent a lot of her time drinking alone.  Her daughter describes her almost as cynical.  And I can't help but assume that this woman was very knowledgeable in defense mechanisms.

I mean, we all do it.  We all get hurt, and we put up walls.  We get into situations where we say "Nope . . . . not again.  Not this time."  And likely sabotage ourselves before we even start.  Our defenses kick in and we retract.  Retreat.  To where we know is safe.  This woman, was the quintessential example of being guarded.  And upon progression of this disease . . . . all those walls were gone.  And at the core of who she was . . . . she still wanted to be loved.

But what continues to interest me even more, is that this transcends just male-female relationships.  There is a resident who screams to be in what seems to be some kind of pain 90% of the day.  She is on a significant amount of synthetic morphine, and though she could not verbalize whether she was or was not in pain, she is positively not in any pain.  The only 10% of the day when she is not screaming . . . . is when someone holds her hand.  When someone, a volunteer, a nurse, a family member, it doesn't matter who, talks to her one on one, holds her hand, she appears calm, relaxed, and at ease.  Why is it when someone holds her hands, gives her attention is she suddenly reassured?  She can't walk, she can't talk, it's likely she doesn't even comprehend what's going on around her, but it's as if she can sense or feel the empathy pouring out of her caregivers.

I've come to the conclusion that that's all we all really want is life.  Is to love and be loved in return.  What greater feeling is there to love someone freely.  And think of all the muddy mess that gets in the way every day on your journey there.  And even on your journey there with one person . . . there are a million other relationships to navigate this with as well.  It's not just with your significant other.  But parents, best friends, siblings.  I think our "learned experience" is valuable.  Obviously Pavlov had something going for him.  But when is social learnedness harmful?  When do our experience begin to turn against us?  When is it that we lose sight of what's in front of us because of our worry of what happened behind us?

I continue to ask myself these questions every day in effort to not carry the past around.  I think of all these little sayings in order to keep me present.  But most of the time . . . . they just remind me of the past.  So how do you be authentically present with someone . . . . utilize what good you've learned . . . . and forget the bad? Obviously my residents with Alzheimers have forgotten both the good and the bad and are happy.  Maybe I should take the lesson from them.  Take what is in front of you.  Take that comfortable feeling you get in your heart.  And let each day be a new day.  And never let an old wall get in your way.

Grace

A friend recently told me: 


John 10:27 "My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me." :) All you have to be is HIS and you can be sure that He is talking to you... You can recognize His voice easily because unlike the enemy who is always LOUD, OBNOXIOUS, and trying to drag you down... the voice of Jesus is gentle, loving, encouraging, and kind.


I have been worried that I've been missing God's signs.  I think HE is a funny man.  Now that I am paying more attention to what He speaks to me. . . . I see and hear him in my life more than ever now.  He has given me some wonderful signs recently.  When I have let things go and put them in His hands, He has made things in my life infinitely better.  If I could continue to not worry and leave all things up to Him, I know the plan He has for me will be amazing.  


Sometimes I just get in my own way.  I think lots of people do.  Sometimes we just have to get out of our own way.   I know with me being such a controlling person when it comes to everything in my life, sometimes I just make the situation worse.  Time, patience, and maturity can go a long way.  


I started a new chapter of my life this weekend.  The chapter of transition is closed.  The chapter of new beginnings is starting.  I know God is going to make this chapter of my life the best ever.  There are amazing things coming for me and for all those in my life.  My family, my friends, and even those who are not my friend. . . . good things are about to happen.  I've never been more optimistic before in my life.  I have a wonderful new apartment.  I am surrounded by wonderful friends.  And I have a wonderful loving family.  I can't wait for what's ahead for me.  

Square 1

I have wondered if my backward slide was due to my life being on hold.  Quite frankly, I feel it has nothing to do with it.

I'm back to square 1.

Back to the place where it hurts like hell.  Back to the place where I wake up in the morning, and I instantly start crying, because this is not just a dream.  Back to the place where I can't eat, can't walk, can't think.

I'm unsure if anyone has ever had to go through exactly what I've been through.  Breaking up with someone you see every single day.  Now granted, I know there are people out there who have broken up with people they work with.  But I don't think anyone has ever broke up with JJ.  He certainly is one of a kind.

To have someone look at you, and see right through you.  To pretend like you're not even standing in front of them.  To say "Hi" and get no response.  It's like someone has sliced me in half.

I miss him more than ever this past week.  I miss going places in his truck.  I miss coming home and him telling me "Hey Babe."  I miss getting random texts.  I miss getting a hug in the kitchen.  I miss everything about him.

I know I caused a lot of fights.  I'm OCD, childish, and selfish at times.  None of which lend to being very easy to deal with.  I realize that 90% of everything I was mad at him for.  I should have been mad at myself for.  I was always mad because he never made any time for us.  Well I'm unsure where I was making time for us in between, work, bringing my work bag home, the gym, obsessing over a diet, or worrying about what my friends were out doing.  I would get mad because he wouldn't save his money/spend it on us.  I never had to spend money on us, because I never had any to spend.  It's ridiculous for me to be upset at him for this.  I would be hurt because he never said nice things to me.  When in reality he said nice things to me all the time, I just don't know how to take a compliment, or hear them.  And when was I ever telling him nice things?

And this is the problem.  All of what I realized, was realized too late.  Realizing that I care about someone so much, who won't give me the time of day.  I called and left a voicemail.  With no return call.  I don't suppose he's going to call either.   If he wanted to talk to me, he walks by me every day, knows where my office is at and knows my phone number.

I just wish he would miss me.  I wish he would remember the good times.  I wish he would see ME.  ME standing in front of him.  And not a stranger.  Not a monster.  I wish he would see the kind person who truly cares about him.  Who has fought many times to stay in his life.  Who truly wants to be beside him for the rest of it.  I wish he would remember how much that summer he wanted to be with me.  I wish he would remember the good things.  And call me back.

On Hold

A lot continues to change for me.  My mind remains methaphorical mush.  While I try to navigate the world of what is real, what is imagined, and what is experienced by others.  I find myself drifting off in thought because my small, tiny, little brain, cannot wrap itself around the concepts with which it's trying to grasp.  Lately . . . I feel as though my life is on hold.   On hold for this : 

What is it you say?  It's an obvious mud hole.  It's nothing fantastic.  I can't even tell you that the door facing forward will be mine.  Because it won't.  It will be the second door on the side.  To a tiny one bedroom, upstairs apartment.  But ya know what.  It will be mine.  

This is one conclusion I've come to lately.   That this life.  This life I have right here, right now, is mine.  And I'm not going to let anyone step their toes or get their grubby little paws on my life right now.  I don't want to share my time, my strength, or my energy on . . . . anyone.  I'm going to do things my way, on my terms.  I will share as much or as little of myself as I feel/see fit. 

I went on a date.  Well . . . . I think it was a date.   I'm not real sure.  And I was left with a bitter taste in my mouth.  There is SO much more to myself, or any person, than you can convey in a 20 minute car ride to a movie.  Why do other adults not understand this?  People.  You.  Me.  Everyone.  Has such depth with which to share.  And do we ever truly experience each other's depth.  I don't feel as though we do.  And the few people we do begin to reach some depth of knowing with, are often the ones who hurt us.  

I think this little apartment will be another step of moving on.  This will be my first solo apartment since I've had my professional job.  It will be where I come home from work.  It will be a fresh start.  A place for me to figure things out on my own.  As my mind de-mushifies itself, and starts to figure things out.  This will be where I put the pieces back together.  And I can't say that enough.  After the past two months . . . . this . . . is where I will start to put the pieces back together.   I have to.

Grace

Times of change.

I was recently directed to www.therulesofagentleman.com
And this is what I found:

"Your outlook on life defines how you react to those life changing moments."
Please note: Those reactions can define your life

Along with lots of other useful tips for not only those aspiring to be a gentleman, but some of which for those wanting to be well respected, revered, and of good moral character.

I spent a long time thinking about this. We hear a lot about how, it's not about the moments that change your life, but about how you react to them that makes you a better person. But this particular quote pre-empts the situation. It is in fact true, that our outlook on life has already pre-determined how we will react in those tough, grueling situations. Optimist vs. Pessimist - People are inherently good vs. People are inherently bad - Internal vs External locus of control.

In my recent particular situation, I wallowed. Even though I have always felt that I am an optimist, believe that people are inherently good, and have an internal locus of control. I control my destiny. Life doesn't happen TO me, but I effect the life that I make. In all my time or sorrow, pity, and emptiness I don't ever recall saying "Why is this happening to me?" I do remember asking: "What lesson is God trying to teach me?" I was continuially trying to pull the bruised and battered heart out, wipe off the dust, and breathe some semblence of life back into it.

And to be honest, I'm not sure I have even figured out what lesson it was/is that God is trying to teach me. He may be trying to teach me to not be so trusting. To not be so open. To not be so caring. Or maybe he's trying to teach me the opposite. Maybe he is trying to teach me that I am a good person, and that someone out there will appreciate me for my flaws. That I too am ALLOWED to make mistakes and still be accepted. What a concept? That you can be accepted for your flaws, and misgivings. I'm not sure I've ever learned this concept. All my life I have been drug around by other peoples feelings, likes/dislikes, desires/whims. I've morphed myself so many times to that of someone else especially significant other relationships and friends that I have frequently lost sight of who I am as a person. On a topical layer, I have always continued to try to match what the other person was indicating that they wanted/needed in order to increase the amount of acceptance I felt. Little did I know, that was only decreasing the amount of acceptance, because I would always know at the core of my being, I was not being my authentic self.

So who is my authentic self? I am someone who wears my heart on my sleeve. I am someone who has no filter when it comes to love. I am someone who bears my soul in the most open of ways. I don't know how to be guarded. I don't know how to protect myself. I don't know how to stand my ground. I don't know how to stand up for who I am and say "I am a good person. And good people make mistakes sometimes. But my mistakes do not disqualify me from feeling loved."

I'm not a resentful person. Even today, I pray that peace finds those who I feel have rejected me. I know the unrest they must feel. I don't feel I will ever get tired of this quote:

"People are tenacious when it comes to the treasure of their imaginary independence. They hoard and hold their sickness with a firm grip. They find their identity and worth in their brokenness and guard it with every ounce of strength they have. No wonder grace has such little attraction. In that sense you have tried to lock the door of your heart from the inside."

Grace HAS lost such an attraction in today's society. SO many people have the door to their heart locked from the inside so that no one can get in. People become so caught up in defending their pain. But have you ever just sat and felt true pain? And just sat in that feeling. What makes it better? For every Good Friday comes an Easter Sunday. I don't only believe that pain is associated with death. I feel that for every time of mourning comes a new day. "For God made the earth round so we could never see too far down the road." Isak Dineson - Grace does not need to lose such attraction in today's society. Grace is motivation. Grace is in believing that there is a new tomorrow. Grace is in the next smile that crosses your path. Grace is in laughter. Grace is in the simplest of pleasures. And grace is what brought me peace. My horoscope stated today that it was time to start letting go. And my friends . . . . Grace is certainly in letting go.

Hodge Podge

You need to begin a process of letting go now as the Moon moves through your 12th House of Endings. Your work may not flow as easily as you wish and there's no easy way to force yourself through the current creative block. Don't get hung up about something on the job that isn't moving ahead; instead, watch the signs and see what clues you can derive. Once you figure out the message, you will be permitted to proceed to the next step.


Just wanted to recount how true my igoogle horoscope on a regular basis is.

My goal is to revamp this blog. It's new name will be Life, Love and the lack thereof.

Time and time again we need a little break
From the give and take
We make the same mistakes
I know I've never been the one to let my feelings show
And I guess in that regard I'm really not alone
We could all use a push and when it comes to shove
We sing of life and love and a lack thereof
But with a little bit of luck we could never get enough of a good thing - Uncle Kracker


I promise to update soon. About the journey through moving on . . . . moving forward . . . . and finding peace.